… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,
The Best Team In Football is doing what they are supposed to do – win football games. With the victory in the Thanksgiving Day game against the Dolphins, the Dallas Cowboys have now won four in a row and are solidly in first place in the NFC East; right where they should be. Tony Romo is now 5-0 on Thanksgiving, and an amazing 19-2 in the month of November. Now he has to keep it going through the month of December and into the playoffs. I know that we should never look ahead and count our chickens just yet, but the Cowboys will have to beat some pretty good teams in the playoffs to get to the Super Bowl. I think they can beat San Francisco again, and I’m predicting here and now that the Saints will beat the Packers in the playoffs, so Dallas will have to beat New Orleans to get to the title game. Are we pumped up for the stretch run yet? Four down, nine to go. But we all know that you can only play one game at a time, so now it’s off to the desert to play the Cardinals and keep this winning streak alive.

The Cowboys pulled out another nail-biter on turkey day this year, beating the fish 20-19 on a last second field goal by rookie kicker Dan Bailey. I told you the game would be close, but who knew it would be a one-point game? I’ll tell you this, though… the kid is money! The Cowboys haven’t had a reliable kicker in a very long time, and I think they have found one in Bailey. God I love all-star undrafted free agent signings. (see Romo, Austin, Bailey) Tony Romo had two early interceptions that, thankfully, the defense limited to giving up only three points off of in the first half. He underthrew both of them. In the second half, Romo took care of the ball and escaped heavy pressure on multiple occasions and led his team to the game-winning field goal with three seconds left on the clock.
With two minutes left in the third quarter, Romo was almost sacked twice on consecutive plays, each time getting rid of the ball just in time and making the completions that extended the drive for the go ahead touchdown early in the fourth quarter. It was vintage Romo, using his feet, eyes, and arm to make a crucial play in a tight ballgame to help his team. The Romoboner was fully tumescent. On the day, Tony went 22 of 34 for 226 yards, 2 TD’s, and 2 picks. DeMarco Murray rushed for 87 hard fought yards on 22 carries, and Laurent Robinson added 79 yards on 7 receptions with 2 TD’s. The Cowboys are now 7-4 heading into December, with three of their last five games against divisional opponents. Stay focused, and kill Joe!

News around the NFL: Ndamukong Suh got pissed off against the Packers and stomped some big white guy Offensive Lineman, getting himself ejected, fined, and suspended. You’d think there was an award in his future. But no. Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver Stevie “Why So Serious” Johnson caught a touchdown pass against the Jets, and then proceeded to do his little touchdown dance that this time included shooting himself in the leg with his finger-gun, mocking Jets WR Plaxico (which is Nigerian for “daddy don’t wear no condom”) Burress, and then flying with outstretched wingspan into the ground like a crashing jet, garnering a 15 yard penalty for going to the ground in celebration without praying to Jesus. Let’s just say that making fun of crashing jets in New York City is not a popular stance to take. Then later in the game, on the potential game-winning drive, Johnson dropped a would-be touchdown pass that hit him right between the numbers, and the Bills lost. Stevie Johnson is our DFN of the Week Award recipient. Let’s all give him a round of applause. I believe he is actually a two-time winner of the award.
E-girls QB Michael “Bulldog” Vick has now missed two games in a row with broken ribs WITHOUT a punctured lung. Pussy!

Eli Update: She-li Womanning and his Gay-ants got their asses handed to them in New Orleans by the Saints, and are now in the midst of a three game losing streak. The Saints were gaining yards and scoring points at will against the Vagiants. Poor Eli. He looks so sad moping on the field as his ass is getting kicked. He needs a little cheese to go with his whine. Eli gets to play the Packers next, and then their losing streak will be extended. Remember: you can’t spell disemboweling without Eli. By the time Eli plays the Cowboys, his team will be beaten to shit and on a four game losing streak; completely demoralized by starting 6-2 and limping into Dallas at 6-6.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is a trip to Arizona to play the Cardinals. They will probably get Kevin “Corn on the” Kolb back at QB this week, but it won’t really matter. The Cowboys are going to win another one and extend their lead in the division. Lots of Cowboys fans there in Arizona. Just as long as Mat McBriar doesn’t punt the ball to Patrick Peterson, all those fans of the ‘Boys should be happy at the end of the day.

Prediction: Cowboys 28 – Cardinals 17
A good double digit road win is just what the doctor ordered for the Cowboys this week. Limit the mistakes and it’s a win. Dallas had far too many penalties on Thanksgiving, on both sides of the ball. Drive killing offensive penalties, and drive extending defensive penalties are tough to overcome. Garrett needs his team to play disciplined football this week to get ready for the stretch run to the playoffs.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
This one was never in doubt. Even though the score, 27-24, and the fact that the Cowboys won it in overtime on the road, may seem otherwise, it was still never in doubt that the Cowboys would win this game against the ever-so-hated Redskins. I’ll list the reasons for your viewing pleasure.
First, Train Rex Grossman was the QB for the Redskins. When it comes to crunch time, he always comes through by throwing a crucial interception; this one in the fourth quarter caught by Orlando Scandrick.
Second, the Cowboys have DeMarcus Ware. Granted, he had only one sack in the game, but it was a critical play, also in the fourth quarter. Ware commanded double teams all day. But you can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him.
Third, the Redskins have DeAngelo Hall covering Dez Bryant. At the end of the game, when the Cowboys need a big play to get into a position to win the game, Tony Romo knows where to go with the ball, and that is to Dez Bryant who can juke his way into the open leaving Hall to spin around aimlessly wondering what the hell just happened while his guy just made a game-winning catch. See third and 15 from the 48 yard line in OT.
Fourth, Jason Garrett actually committed to the run, even though it was not paying off big time in this game. He stuck with DeMarco Murray, who gained less than 100 yards, and made the Redskins stay in the box to defend the run instead of abandoning it early in the game and making the Cowboys one dimensional. Tough, hard-nosed football won this game.
Fifth, the Cowboys won the turnover battle 2-0 in this game. Taking that kind of good care of the football produces a win greater than 85% of the time.
Sixth, rookie kicker Dan Bailey is money. The kid from Oklahoma State has not missed since week two against the 49ers; which was the simplest of chip shots that should have been made. My take is that he got his head straight after that miss, and he won’t ever do it again.
And finally, the Dallas Cowboys have Tony Romo as their quarterback. Cool under fire, able to slide away from pressure, accurate on both the short pass and down the field, Romo led his team to another dramatic overtime road win that had the Redskins writhing in pain that they let their most bitter rival win another one. You can tell I’m all broken up about it. Tony went 23 of 37 for 292 yards, 3 TD’s and no interceptions. He was sacked four times, but never gave the ball away. His ribs are healed, and he’s playing at a level that can win a championship right now. Let’s do this!

The Cowboys are now in first place in the NFC East, sharing the record of 6-4 with the New Jersey Vagiants, but owning a better divisional record to put them on top. As I had mentioned before in this very space, the Cowboys have games against very beatable opponents in the next two weeks, whereas the Giants have to play the Saints and Packers, two division leaders. After that, they get to play our very own Dallas Cowboys in Texas, so that they can complete their 1-5 journey through the middle of their schedule, leaving them at 6-7 with three games to play.

Eli Update: In the fourth quarter, driving his team down the field for the tying touchdown, She-li gets sacked by Jason Babin of the Philadelphia E-girls, fumbling, dashing the hopes of all the fans in the New Jersey Swamplands as the E-girls recovered the fumble, sending She-li off the field to watch the ensuing kneel-downs, sealing victory for Philadelphia. Remember: you can’t spell sidelines without Eli.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is the annual Thanksgiving game hosted by The Best Team In Football. This is an annual tradition, held by many to be a sacred ritual: eat the turkey and watch the Cowboys win. This year’s victim is the Miami Dolphins. Both teams come into this contest with a three game winning streak. However, only the Cowboys will go into next week with a four game winning streak. The Dolphins have recently gotten it together, finding a way to beat teams that are beatable (Redskins, Bills, Chiefs), but they still have a quarterback who is a back-up at best in Matt Moore. The Cowboys know this because Moore was on the Cowboys roster before he was cut, as the Cowboys tried to slide him onto the practice squad a few years ago but Miami claimed him off waivers. That’s one disadvantage of having Miami’s head coach, Tony Sparano, being a former Cowboys assistant. Oh well. The Cowboys have the advantage (Romo over Moore) and will win this game.
The keys to victory will be rushing the ball consistently with DeMarco Murray, Tony continuing to not throw interceptions, and the Cowboys defense putting heavy pressure on Moore, who is still greener than baby poop. The Dolphins actually have a really good run defense, not allowing a 100 yard rusher all year. Even if Murray doesn’t eclipse the 100 yard mark, Garrett still needs to run him all day. Make them respect the run, and then Tony can pick apart their secondary.

Prediction: Cowboys 26 – Fish 21
This will be a closer game than most people think. The Dolphins are gaining confidence and could have won a few games at the beginning of the year instead of starting out 0-7. The Cowboys have to be careful and not get overconfident, or else they will be in danger of letting this one go. Take care of business, and beat down an inferior opponent. That’s job one. Kill Joe!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in Cowboys Nation!
Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
This one was never in doubt. Even though the score, 27-24, and the fact that the Cowboys won it in overtime on the road, may seem otherwise, it was still never in doubt that the Cowboys would win this game against the ever-so-hated Redskins. I’ll list the reasons for your viewing pleasure.
First, Train Rex Grossman was the QB for the Redskins. When it comes to crunch time, he always comes through by throwing a crucial interception; this one in the fourth quarter caught by Orlando Scandrick.
Second, the Cowboys have DeMarcus Ware. Granted, he had only one sack in the game, but it was a critical play, also in the fourth quarter. Ware commanded double teams all day. But you can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him.
Third, the Redskins have DeAngelo Hall covering Dez Bryant. At the end of the game, when the Cowboys need a big play to get into a position to win the game, Tony Romo knows where to go with the ball, and that is to Dez Bryant who can juke his way into the open leaving Hall to spin around aimlessly wondering what the hell just happened while his guy just made a game-winning catch. See third and 15 from the 48 yard line in OT.
Fourth, Jason Garrett actually committed to the run, even though it was not paying off big time in this game. He stuck with DeMarco Murray, who gained less than 100 yards, and made the Redskins stay in the box to defend the run instead of abandoning it early in the game and making the Cowboys one dimensional. Tough, hard-nosed football won this game.
Fifth, the Cowboys won the turnover battle 2-0 in this game. Taking that kind of good care of the football produces a win greater than 85% of the time.
Sixth, rookie kicker Dan Bailey is money. The kid from Oklahoma State has not missed since week two against the 49ers; which was the simplest of chip shots that should have been made. My take is that he got his head straight after that miss, and he won’t ever do it again.
And finally, the Dallas Cowboys have Tony Romo as their quarterback. Cool under fire, able to slide away from pressure, accurate on both the short pass and down the field, Romo led his team to another dramatic overtime road win that had the Redskins writhing in pain that they let their most bitter rival win another one. You can tell I’m all broken up about it. Tony went 23 of 37 for 292 yards, 3 TD’s and no interceptions. He was sacked four times, but never gave the ball away. His ribs are healed, and he’s playing at a level that can win a championship right now. Let’s do this!

The Cowboys are now in first place in the NFC East, sharing the record of 6-4 with the New Jersey Vagiants, but owning a better divisional record to put them on top. As I had mentioned before in this very space, the Cowboys have games against very beatable opponents in the next two weeks, whereas the Giants have to play the Saints and Packers, two division leaders. After that, they get to play our very own Dallas Cowboys in Texas, so that they can complete their 1-5 journey through the middle of their schedule, leaving them at 6-7 with three games to play.

Eli Update: In the fourth quarter, driving his team down the field for the tying touchdown, She-li gets sacked by Jason Babin of the Philadelphia E-girls, fumbling, dashing the hopes of all the fans in the New Jersey Swamplands as the E-girls recovered the fumble, sending She-li off the field to watch the ensuing kneel-downs, sealing victory for Philadelphia. Remember: you can’t spell sidelines without Eli.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is the annual Thanksgiving game hosted by The Best Team In Football. This is an annual tradition, held by many to be a sacred ritual: eat the turkey and watch the Cowboys win. This year’s victim is the Miami Dolphins. Both teams come into this contest with a three game winning streak. However, only the Cowboys will go into next week with a four game winning streak. The Dolphins have recently gotten it together, finding a way to beat teams that are beatable (Redskins, Bills, Chiefs), but they still have a quarterback who is a back-up at best in Matt Moore. The Cowboys know this because Moore was on the Cowboys roster before he was cut, as the Cowboys tried to slide him onto the practice squad a few years ago but Miami claimed him off waivers. That’s one disadvantage of having Miami’s head coach, Tony Sparano, being a former Cowboys assistant. Oh well. The Cowboys have the advantage (Romo over Moore) and will win this game.
The keys to victory will be rushing the ball consistently with DeMarco Murray, Tony continuing to not throw interceptions, and the Cowboys defense putting heavy pressure on Moore, who is still greener than baby poop. The Dolphins actually have a really good run defense, not allowing a 100 yard rusher all year. Even if Murray doesn’t eclipse the 100 yard mark, Garrett still needs to run him all day. Make them respect the run, and then Tony can pick apart their secondary.

Prediction: Cowboys 26 – Fish 21
This will be a closer game than most people think. The Dolphins are gaining confidence and could have won a few games at the beginning of the year instead of starting out 0-7. The Cowboys have to be careful and not get overconfident, or else they will be in danger of letting this one go. Take care of business, and beat down an inferior opponent. That’s job one. Kill Joe!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in Cowboys Nation!
Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
After the thorough trouncing of the Buffalo Bills last Sunday at Cowboys Stadium 44-7, nobody seems to be talking about the Cowboys as one of the teams to watch out for in the NFC. Good. Flying under the radar instead of in the spotlight suits this team well. The Cowboys were the only team in the NFC East to win last week. The E-girls inexplicably lost to the Cardinals in Philly, the Foreskins lost to Miami, who has now beaten two other bad teams in consecutive weeks, and the Vagiants lost (as predicted) to the 49ers. That puts the Cowboys in second place, just one game behind New Jersey. The Cowboys play Washington on Sunday in Maryland. The Midgets host the E-girls. Dallas can take care of the faltering Foreskins. It just depends on which Eagles team shows up to play against She-li and his merry band. If it’s the same team that showed up against Dallas a few Sunday nights ago, then Philly wins this game. If it’s the same team that played Arizona last Sunday, then New Jersey wins. Stay tuned, sports fans.

Tony Romo had a career day against Buffalo. Not in terms of yards and touchdowns, but in QB efficiency. Romo started the game 13 for 13, and finished the first half 18 of 19 for 237 yards with three touchdowns. He ended the day 23 of 26 for 270 yards, 3TD’s, no interceptions, and a QB rating of 148.4. Not too shabby. I’ll take that every game. DeMarco Murray rushed for 135 yards on 20 carries with one touchdown. DeMarcus Ware had a sack on the first defensive play of the game. The Cowboys defense had three interceptions, two by Terrence Newman, one of which was returned for a TD. Overall, the defense held Fitzpatrick to a mere 146 yards passing. The Cowboys offense scored on its first four possessions of the game; something that in the history of the Dallas Cowboys had never been done before. Never. That’s Meredith, Staubach, and Aikman we’re talkin’ about here. It’s almost as though Jason Garrett is starting to get it. I mean, half of the “experts” on TV picked Buffalo to win this game. They obviously don’t read these updates!

Eli update: After the Vagiants lost to the 49ers in San Francisco, She-li Womanning spent the whole cross country plane trip home crying on the shoulder of Brandon Jacobs. Not because he threw a fourth quarter interception that sealed the loss, but because Ahmad Bradshaw wouldn’t let him blow him in the lavatory. She-li felt so bad about blowing the game, he thought it might help to blow something else on the way home. Remember: you can’t spell unraveling without Eli.

News around the NFL: For some reason, the media just loves to pick on Tony Romo. He has a few interceptions and the Cowboys lose, you never hear the end of it. He has a great game, and he’s the forgotten one; like it was no big deal and he was supposed to do that anyway. No other NFL QB gets this much media scrutiny. He was an undrafted free agent, remember? Not some high-profile college star with “franchise quarterback” written all over him. There are plenty of those around that you never hear about when they lose a game. Oh, but that’s right… Romo plays for the Cowboys! He plays for the team the media loves to hate. But does anyone else get this kind of abuse? Take Phillip Rivers, (please). Here’s a first round draft choice that was predicted by many to be in “breakout mode” at the beginning of the season who now can’t complete a pass to any receivers wearing his same jersey color. He can no longer use the excuse that his receivers are all injured; he just can’t find them. He’s a head case and has a lousy arm. Have you seen his throwing motion? He’s proof that girls can play QB in the NFL. Rivers has more than twice as many interceptions than Tony Romo so far this year, with 15 to Romo’s seven. In fact, only one QB whose team has a winning record and is not injured for the year, and is not named Aaron Rodgers, has thrown less interceptions than Romo: Jay Cutler. Yeah, no shit. Who knew? But no one seems to attack Rivers with the same kind of fervor reserved for Tony Romo. I’m just glad that Norv Turner, with his “incomplete on first down, run between the tackles for no gain on second down, that puts us in third and long” offense, isn’t the head coach of the Cowboys. It’s starting to look like Jason Garrett is moving away from his Norv Turner roots. ‘Bout time.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is the aforementioned trip to Maryland to play those smegma-encrusted Foreskins. This is the Cowboys most bitter rivalry, no matter what the Giants and Eagles say. The best thing about 1989’s 1-15 season was that the one win was over Washington. The wheels are coming off the wagon in Redskins territory, as they haven’t won a game since their bye in early October. This is no time to let them off the hook. This is another must win for the Cowboys, and a good pounding is just what the doctor ordered for this game. Who knows how long Mike Shanahan is going to last in D.C.?

Prediction: Cowboys 41 – Deadskins 16
I’m looking for Tony to have another good day out there, protecting the football and throwing three more touchdown passes. DeMarco Murray gets another 100+ yard performance on his resume, and the defense will create at least four turnovers, as Washington continues its downward spiral, out of control, on its way to the NFC East basement once again. Aww. I’m all broken up about it. Kill Joe!
Prediction: E-girls 24 – Vagiants 23
She-li breaks down in the fourth quarter and starts crying, whining to the officials that the Eagles aren’t playing fair, and that he wants to take his ball and go home ‘cause his daddy, Archie, said he could!
Prediction: Jets 19 – Donkeys 16
The Tebow gets released and it is pounded into submission by a force greater than itself. A higher power, if you will. Praise Jesus…look at my muscle. So it shall be written. So it shall be done.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
The Dallas Cowboys took care of business at home against the Seahawks, as expected. They are still struggling to score touchdowns in the red zone, though, and this is the primary concern for this team moving forward. Too many short field goals. This does, I admit, score an easy three points, and the short field goals give the rookie kicker loads of confidence to hit longer, more pressure-filled field goals later. But the fact of the matter is that Jason Garrett’s 2011 Dallas Cowboys just can’t put anybody away and coast to a victory. The games are always closer than they should be and filled with unnecessary drama. Then, with the pressure of the end of a close game at its peak, somebody on the Cowboys (usually Romo) does something stupid to lose the game. I realize that didn’t happen against Seattle, (final score 23-13) but this team should be 7-1, not 4-4. If the Tuna really is right, then the Cowboys are a mediocre team at .500. “You are what your record says you are.”

QB Tony Romo went 19 for 31 with 279 yards passing, two touchdowns, and no interceptions. That was a good game. I’ll take that week in and week out. Tony has the fifth highest QB rating in the league at the halfway point of the season. DeMarco Murray rushed for 139 yards on 22 carries, for a 6.3 yard/ carry average. I’ll take that, too. But the failures in the red zone in the first half of the game kept it somewhat close. The halftime score should have been 21-3. Garrett has no creativity in first and goal situations. Pounding it in between the tackles ain’t workin’ for this offensive line. The fade route pass to the corner rarely works for the Cowboys. Only when Romo had 6 seconds to stand back in the pocket on his own five yard line was he able to find an open Laurent Robinson in the back of the end zone for a red zone TD. That kinda shit doesn’t happen against a good team. Garrett should know that.

Last week only four home teams in the NFL won their games; Dallas being one of them. The Cowboys seem to be relying on others to do their dirty work for them as well. The Bears beat the E-girls, San Francisco beat the Foreskins (as they so love to do in the Bay Area), and the Vagiants beat Sunshine Brady; something Garrett failed to do. This puts Dallas firmly into second place in the division, two games behind New Jersey… for now. The Vagiants have on their schedule in the next five games, in order: San Francisco, Philadelphia, New Orleans, Green Bay, and Dallas. They could easily lose all five, giving the Cowboys the edge to win the East.

Eli Update: After She-li Womanning and his merry band of Vagiants left New England with a victory last Sunday, he celebrated at the New Jersey safe house with Ahhhmad Bradshaw and a busload of Play 60 kids. There was lots of under-age drinking and frolicking in the showers, with hot, steamy, man-boy action as She-li led the way celebrating in typical Giants style. Remember, you can’t spell pedophILE without a messed up Eli. Gee, and he didn’t even go to Penn State.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is another home game, this time hosting the Buffalo Bills. Buffalo started out hot, and has cooled off somewhat lately, beating Philly and New England, and losing to the two New Jersey teams, so we’re not exactly sure which team is going to show up in Dallas on Sunday. The Cowboys need to keep running the ball effectively, and be able to control the line of scrimmage so Tony can throw without too much pressure. Don’t turn over the ball, and this is another win. Dallas is not a fumbling team; it’s all about the interceptions. All the teams in the AFC East, except Miami, are 5-3, tied for first in their division. The Cowboys lost to the Pats and Jets, so it’s time to TCB and beat the shit out of the Bills. It makes me want to watch the replay of Super Bowl XXVII, the greatest Super Bowl of all time. The only problem is that game was 19 years ago. The Cowboys need to win another Super Bowl. I don’t want to keep living in the past like the Bears fans of ’85.

Prediction: Dallas 38- Buffalo 23
I look for this one to be a bit more high scoring. I’d love to see a 38-0 shutout, but I think Fitzpatrick will move his offense a few times and put up some scores against the Cowboys D. Austin and Jenkins, the Hamstring twins, are out again this week, so Dez and Scandrick will both have to have big games. DeMarcus Ware, held without a sack for the first time all year last week, will make up for it with a multi-sack performance against the Bills. Kill Joe! Here is the start of the winning streak that takes Dallas to the playoffs.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
OK, let’s try to polish this turd.
The Dallas Cowboys were just handed their largest margin of defeat in the Jason Garrett era, losing to the E-girls 34-7. Interesting in that it was the exact same score by which these same Dallas Cowboys had defeated their previous opponent, the St. Louis Lambs, the week before. What I do not believe though, is that the difference in the quality of the three teams in question is that great. The Cowboys pounded the Lambs. They didn’t even show up against the E-girls. Let’s take a look at the game and how it affects the Cowboys moving forward.

The Cowboys released RB Tashard Choice, who got claimed off of waivers by the Washington Deadskins, because they felt that after DeMarco Murray’s 253 yard rushing performance in one game that they had seen enough to make him their new guy, and Choice was expendable. I’m ok with that. They came into Philly with the number one rushing defense in the league, and promptly got gashed by Michael Vick and LeShithead McCoy. They couldn’t stop the run to save their own paychecks. Second year ILB Sean Lee dislocated his left wrist on a tackle of Vick in the first half, and never returned. It looked bad. He may be out indefinitely. It was a totally freak accident. How the hell do you dislocate your wrist? You’ve got eight frickin’ bones in there! We saw the first action of the year by rookie Bruce Carter, be it only on special teams though. With Lee’s injury, we may see more of Carter in a hurry at the inside linebacker position. This is primarily due to the fact that Bradie James looks fat, and Keith Brooking is too slow and can no longer tackle anyone. So while the Dallas D was giving up huge yardage in the run game, one would think that it was because they were doing such a good job protecting against the pass. But no. The Cowboys secondary was playing so far off the E-girls receivers it looked like they thought they had leprosy. And to top it all off, CB Mike Jenkins pulled his hamstring again and looks like he’ll be out for several weeks. Can’t stop the run, plus no tight coverage, equals getting your ass kicked. The E-girls, on the other hand, played very tight pass coverage all night, limiting the Cowboys two best receivers, Austin and Bryant, to three catches each with no touchdowns. The plain and simple fact of the matter is that the Cowboys got out coached on Sunday night. Andy Reid had an answer for everything the Cowboys threw at him on both sides of the ball. The Cowboys got whipped on the line of scrimmage all night. Couldn’t block, couldn’t tackle. They acted as though they never wanted to play this game, phoning it in from the hotel. Hey, they just beat a winless team by 27 points, and they ARE the Dallas Cowboys after all. We got this.
No, Garrett. You don’t. There’s no pretty way to view this. I believe the bastardized Latin for this is fecundum non simonizem; you can’t polish a turd.

Eli Update: After a well-deserved rest on the bye week, where New Jersey Vagiants QB, She-li Womanning, and his best butt buddy, Ahhh-mad Bradshaw, got matching mani-pedi’s and Bro-zilians, they soundly defeated the winless Miami Dolphins in typical Vagiants style. There was never any question about this game. She-li, that wiley field general, engineered an easy win that was never in doubt, once again proving his greatness. We might as well just enshrine him in Canton this weekend. He’s on the fast track for the Hall.

Next up for The Best Team In Football is a home game against Seattle. The Seahawks have been an unpredictable lot so far this season, beating the Giants and losing to just about everybody else. The Cowboys have to win this game. There’s no two ways about it. Lose this one, and it’s bye-bye season. Win this game, and they have the potential to go on a 13 game winning streak and win the Super Bowl. Garrett needs to learn how to get the most out of his team, kinda like Jim Harbaugh in San Francisco. Yeah, how big is that overtime win against the 49ers looking now? I’d take 6-1 right about now. Wouldn’t you? And no, I don’t want to trade Tony Romo for Alex Smith. But Garrett can’t let a QB like Charlie Whitehurst beat him this week, either. The Seahawks are essentially without any defense or offensive weapons. They look like the Mariners out there. A big win will bring the confidence back to Big D, get them back to .500, and while the Vagiants lose to New England this week, it will also bring the Cowboys closer to first place. (tune in this Sunday to watch both Brady and Manning leave the game with Theismann-like injuries)

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – Seahawks 17
A two touchdown home victory is just what the doctor ordered for the Cowboys this Sunday. DeMarcus Ware has 12 sacks in just the first seven games, and he’ll be looking to add to that total. Bruce Carter will get more playing time on the inside, and Orlando Scandrick will have to start in place of Jenkins. This is a must win for the Cowboys… but, then again, I think every game is a must win. Kill Joe. Block. Tackle. Hold onto the ball. It sounds simple when you can actually do it. Jason Garrett needs to show the league that he can, or else the Cowboys are in trouble. I don’t want to start looking forward to the draft before Thanksgiving again. At least we don’t have to worry about Tim Tebow in Dallas!

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
It took long enough, six games in fact, but the Dallas Cowboys actually played a game in which they LOOKED like the Dallas Cowboys. Finally.

The Best Team In Football is now at .500, sitting in second place in the NFC East at 3-3. We, the Cowboys faithful, all know that they should be 6-0 at this point in the season, and at the forefront of the conversation of who is the league’s best… but they’re not. This is usually the part of the weekly rant in which I vent my frustrations with America’s Team… but I’m not. Jason Garrett and Rob Ryan did such an excellent job of taking care of business against the Rams last Sunday that I have very little to complain about. Tony Romo played within himself, throwing for 166 yards on 14 completions in 24 attempts, with 2 touchdowns. More importantly though is the fact that he did not throw any interceptions, and his two touchdown passes were both red zone scores. Maybe Red Ball is starting to think like a real NFL head coach. His team certainly showed that they can play like a real NFL team. They finished off the Lambs with a goal line fourth quarter stop, holding them to a single score on the day. I had predicted a final score of 38-6. It was 34-7. I’ll take it; and I accept your apology.

The big story of the day was rookie running back DeMarco Murray, who after not getting the start behind Tashard Choice, lit up the Lambs defense for 253 yards and one touchdown on 25 carries, highlighted by his 91 yard score on the Cowboys’ first possession of the game. Garrett later put in Phillip Tanner, I’m sure because Murray was tired of running through the huge holes that the offensive line created all day, and he promptly rushed for 34 yards and a touchdown on 6 carries. That’s a 5.6 yards per carry average. Choice is officially no longer needed. The new Cowboys backfield three-headed monster is Felix, Murray and Tanner. Write it down.
Jerry should have gotten a third round pick for Choice when he had the chance. Silly billionaire. Thinks he knows football.

Next up for the Cowboys is a trip to Philly to play the E-girls. They are coming off their bye week, and E-girls head coach Andy “Fat Boy” Reid is 12-0 after the bye. It’s going to be fun watching the Cowboys break that streak. E-girls official spokesman, Dick Cumstain, said in a prepared statement, “The Cowboys players had better watch out if they plan on hitting Michael Vick this week. It’s just not fair that they have really big, fast guys like DeMarcus Ware that can hit poor Michael. We’ve already complained to the commissioner about Mike’s concussions, but over the break there was considerable concern regarding possible ruptured ovarian cysts and vaginal bleeding. But it just turned out that Vick had a really bad period this month. We’ve ordered lots of Midol, so everything ought to be ok for Sunday.”
Gosh, I hope the Dallas defense doesn’t rip his skirt as they try to tackle him. It is still tackle football, right? Kill Joe.

Prediction: Cowboys 30 – E-girls 21
Tony will take care of the ball and the defense will not give up the big plays that have plagued them against Philly in the past. Most of Romo’s mistakes have been when he tries to hit Dez on the 20 yard sideline pattern, and with the E-girls corners looking to jump that route, I wouldn’t even try it. Use the middle of the field, take advantage of their poor play at the linebacker position, and play a ball control offensive game plan. Let them get frustrated and try for the big plays. That’s when the Cowboys can take advantage on defense and create turnovers. The E-girls have only two wins, both over two of the teams that the Cowboys have already beaten as well. But you can throw out the records when these two teams meet Sunday night. It will be a win for Dallas; just not as easy of a win as we saw against St. Louis. The Cowboys won their last nationally televised prime time game, the Monday night contest against Washington. Before that, they had lost seven in a row. Get your team fired up, Garrett. You need this win.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
It’s the top of the ninth inning, 3-2 ballgame for the visitors, Jason Garrett at the plate, runners at the corners, two outs, and the count is 0-2. What do you think Garrett is going to do?

Let’s break this down and figure out what is really going on here. It’s late in the game and Jason Garrett has the opportunity to put the game away with a big offensive play. But he has two strikes AND NO BALLS! Can’t go for the jugular. No killer instinct. The strikes that we are referring to are, of course, the two previous losses by the Cowboys, when QB Tony Romo coughed up the ball to teams that should have been soundly beaten. So Garrett, in his infinite stupidity, now lets a fastball right down the middle of the plate go by him without nary a swing. He struck out. He got conservative at the one time of the game that he needed a first down. Gutless loser. He must have forgotten that he had a Pro Bowl QB and a future Hall of Famer at Tight End that can easily move the ball down the middle of the field for a few first downs and salt this game away. But no. He ran the ball right up the middle between the tackles on three straight plays and punted back to Tom “Sunshine” Brady so that he could win the game at home for the 30th straight time in front of all of his adoring fans in New England, perpetuating the ongoing bro-mance there. It was a sickening sight to behold. I had to medicate. You could see it happening right in front of you. You could feel the loss of aggression in the play calling, the lack of confidence in his own offense, the fear of the fourth quarter game-changing turnover oozing out of the head coach’s pores. It was like the previous 56 minutes of football hadn’t mattered. The game plan was changed without notice. Garrett put his own offense into shutdown mode in a weak attempt to run out the clock with 3:36 to play at their own 28 yard line, up 16-13. This is what rookie head coaches do. The 2011 Dallas Cowboys continue to find new and interesting ways to lose what would otherwise be entirely winnable games, and yet never seem to learn anything from them so that it doesn’t happen again. To quote the Dalai Lama, “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson”. Garrett needs a shrink.

Tony Romo started out the game as if he were still on the bye week. He was sluggish and out of rhythm. He threw his first interception of the year that wasn’t in the second half of a game. He’s only had one game all year in which he hasn’t thrown a pick, and that was when he got his ribs broken in San Francisco. After that first quarter, he looked sharp, in control, and took care of the ball with no second half turnovers. He went 27-41 for 312 yards, 1TD, 1 int. Brady was 27-41 for 289 yards, 2 TD, and 2 int. Who was better? If Garrett doesn’t wimp out at the end of the game and lets Tony play, then they get the first downs they need and win the game. JFC! You’re killing me, Smalls!

NFC East Review: As predicted in this very site, Train Rex Grossman showed his true colors against the E-girls on Sunday and threw four picks, three to the same guy, and the Foreskins let the E-girls back into the NFC East race. Even at the bottom with a 2-4 record, Philly is still the darling of all of the “experts” on TV and many have them as their pick to win the division. The Vagiants own the best record so far at 4-2, after narrowly defeating the Bills, but nobody is totally on board their bandwagon just yet. With the recent implosion of the Redskins offense, everyone now assumes that the writing is on the wall and Washington will end up in the basement again at the end of the season. The Cowboys, at 2-3, which could easily be 5-0, are the best team in the division, and the remainder of the season will bear that out. Stay tuned.

Eli Update: The one and only Eli Manning, greatest Quarterback in the world, once again displayed his awesomeness on the field, handing off like no other QB in the league to his new favorite player both on and off the field, Ahmad Bradshaw, for three 1 yard touchdown runs. He’s such a great QB that he doesn’t even have to throw the ball to show his magnificence. After the game, She-li, as he likes to be called by Ahmad in private moments, and Bradshaw went back to his place and listened to Eli’s collection of Air Supply’s Greatest Hits and had an ungreased, backdoor, Hammertime lovemaking session, New York Giants style.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is a home game against the winless St. Louis Lambs. Good. They are going to remain winless after this week. Dallas is pissed and they are absolutely going to kill St. Louis. This game will end the 4 points or less streak when the Cowboys win this game by 30 points. The Lambs are hapless, helpless, and hopeless on the field this year. In addition, QB Sam I Am Bradford is out with a high ankle sprain, walking around in a boot, and backup QB AJ Feeley is taking the first team reps this week in practice. The St. Louis Cardinals have a better chance of scoring this weekend than the Lambs do. (World Series Prediction: Rangers in 5.)

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – St. Louis Lambs 6
If ever there was a time for the Cowboys to get their confidence back, it’s this week. Tony will throw for four touchdowns (2 to Austin, 1 each to Witten and Dez), and the defense will completely play lights out. If Garrett has a brain in his head then he’ll play Phillip Tanner at Running Back this week to see what the kid can do in a real NFL game. With Felix out injured, I guarantee Tanner’s the best RB on the roster. I still think this team can run the table and finish 13-3, even after the disappointing loss to New England. Tony will learn to take care of the football; I have faith in that. Garrett just needs to grow a pair. Time to kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,
Under advisement of my friendly somewhat local physician, I got my blood pressure checked during the bye week: 114/72. I don’t even want to know what it is during a Cowboys game, especially when Tony is being Tony.

So what have we learned about the NFL this season, and the Cowboys in particular, through the first quarter of the year? The Cowboys have the potential to either win or lose every game (duh), and that rides primarily on the play of QB Tony Romo. Mistake-free equals a win. Romo turnovers, the NFC East’s favorite snack, equals a Cowboys loss. Win the games you should win, and find a way to win games when you’re not playing your best. This ain’t viral genetics here, people. It’s pretty simple stuff. Tony Romo just needs to learn the answer to the most fundamental question in sports:
Q: What’s the most important thing in the game of football?
A: The football.
As soon as he learns that, the Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

NFC East Review:
The E-girls are turning out to be this year’s version of the 2010 Cowboys. Lots of preseason Super Bowl hype, only to stumble out of the blocks to a 1-4 start, and possibly even to a 1-7 start in the coming weeks, heading toward a 6-10 season. Why is that? Everyone is looking to QB Michael “Pitbull” Vick as the leading cause of their failures, leading the NFC in both interceptions and petty bitching complaints. Also, their defense resembles trying to bail water with a fishing net. Yes, Vick is entirely overrated, and it is fun to watch him get creamed on the field, but the real E-girls problem is with rookie Defensive Coordinator Juan Castillo. I really hate to say this, but they dearly miss the late Jim Johnson. He was their defense. Now every team in the league is beating them like a rented mule… which has me all broken up about it, you can tell. I still contend, however, that the E-girls aren’t even good enough to hate.

Which brings us to the Redskins. They, like the Cowboys, had a bye this past week, so they can rest on their current lead in the NFC East, sitting at 3-1. I see them winning four more games this year, finishing at 7-9. The true Train Rex Grossman will emerge from the rubble as an un-rehabilitatable loser as the season gets sifted through the grates of time. Not even Mike Shanahan will be able to do anything with him. Oh, and CB DeAngelo Hall (big talker, needs a walker) plays like a girl.

Eli Update: The great Eli Manning, as he had his team poised to take the lead at home against the Seattle Seahawks late in the fourth quarter, threw another red zone interception, this one returned 94 yards for a touchdown, that wasn’t his fault, I swear! If his receivers would just do their job, then Eli could show the world just how awesome he is! It’s not fair! This kinda stuff never happens to Peyton! Waaaaaauuuuuuh!

The Green Bay Packers overcame an early 14-0 deficit against the Falcons Sunday night to win 25-14. Mooch and Skeeter were at the game in the Georgia Dome after winning free tickets in a radio contest. They were the first ones to call and correctly identify the nickname of the Falcons QB after successfully hitting themselves in the head with a hammer while on the air with the DJ. Mooch whacked Skeeter upside the head, and then Skeet yelled out, “Matty Iiiiiicccce! Shit that hurt!” The two backwoods boys from Georgia got piss drunk by the end of the first quarter, and got kicked out of the stadium for mooning some lady from the Atlanta Junior League in Section 115. After being escorted out of the dome by security, they continued celebrating a great Falcons win over the reigning Super Bowl Champs by drinking more homemade wood alcohol until they went blind and were picked up out of the gutter by the Atlanta police and taken to the Fulton County lock-up for the night. Only the next day did they realize that Green Bay had come back to win, which only made their vomit-soaked #2 jerseys smell that much more rank. Phoebe, the little retarded girl down the road, picked them up Monday and let them ride back home with her on her bus pass. Mooch and Skeeter didn’t think it was very funny when Phoebe was calling each of them an R-tard all the way home.

NFL Review:
Commissioner Roger “Der Fuhrer” Goodell is the biggest hypocrite in the world of sports. Aside from his arbitrary decision making process for handing out player fines, his inability to define just what Al Davis did for the game of football, and his general ineptitude for running the league, he just doesn’t get it when he pushes forth his “main agenda”. While Goodell and Friends stress the importance of player safety as their number one priority in the NFL, they have targeted concussions as their biggest concern. They’ve even changed some of the rules of the game to stress this very issue; see kickoffs and hits on defenseless receivers. Yet, besides a helmet, the most important safety feature for the players to prevent concussions is not required as part of the football uniform in the NFL. It’s required in every other level of football, from Pop Warner to College, but not in the NFL. We’re talking, of course, about the mouth guard. Study after study has shown that this one piece of athletic equipment, when fitted properly and worn as directed, can prevent as much as 50% of all concussions, and Goodell won’t make it mandatory in the NFL. What an ignorant putz. There’s nothing worse than a hypocrite with power. But it was fun to see Michael Vick spiting blood after being knocked in the noggin by his own teammate against Atlanta a few weeks ago. That’s why you wear a mouth guard, Mike.

Next up for the best Team In Football is the New England Patsies, led by the one and only Sunshine, the Boy Scout. This is the opportunity that the Cowboys have been waiting for: to finally smack the shit out of Tom Brady. I’m looking forward to having a healthy Miles Austin and Orlando Scandrick back on the field for this game. They’ll need every bit of help they can get from their starters to beat the Pats in New England. WR Wes Welker is leading the league in receiving yards. He’s a little Texas Tech prick. The Cowboys will simply have to win a high scoring, shootout-type of game to come home with a victory. I think the Dallas defense will hold them to under 30 points, though. It’s just a matter of if the Cowboys offense gives up points or not. Look for the Patriots offensive line to hold all day long and get a pass from the refs. They never call holding on the guys who protect Brady… that would be blasphemous.

Prediction: Dallas 34 – New England 28
It’s time to really kill Joe this Sunday, as this game could prove to be the turning point of the season for the Cowboys. Win this game, and Dallas has a chance to go 13-3. Lose this game, and they’re looking at 8-8. The theme for Sunday has got to be “Find a way to win”. Garrett might be given a pass on this one if he loses a close game to Bill Belichick. But his coaching resume, and his career for that matter, will be forever bolstered with a win. Find a way to win this game on Sunday, and it will carry over for weeks to come. Find a way to lose, and it’s good-bye season, hello draft, and we’ll get ‘em next year. This game’s on you, Garrett.

Go Cowboys!

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RUFKM? To quote Dennis Green, “They are who we thought they were, and we let ‘em off the hook!”

So I’m watching The Best Team In Football play the Lions last Sunday, who are entirely overrated, up 27-3 in the third quarter, feeling pretty good about the game, and my day for that matter, when Tony Romo throws an ill-advised pass into the flat and, of all people, Barbie Carpenter, the former-Cowboys first round pick/special teams player, intercepts it and bumbles his way into the end zone for a touchdown as the Cowboys offense Keystone Cops its way into failing to make a tackle on the change of possession. Isn’t this magical? OK. So Tony made a bonehead play, let’s just move on and win this thing. But no, on the very next series, on his very next pass, Tony does it again, and throws another pick-six to the Lions defense, and all of a sudden they’re back in the game. Now it’s Garrett’s turn to screw things up with horrible play calling. Let’s just say that it went from bad to worse, and the Cowboys gave up their biggest lead in franchise history (24 points) to lose a game. I’ve never seen anything like it. In fact, nobody has, until Sunday. Yea! Tony Romo and Jason Garrett keep making history! Only it’s the wrong kind of history. It feels like they’re the Boston Red Sox right now, collapsing monumentally down the stretch. Only, it took the Cowboys three hours to do it, and the Red Sox took three weeks. A slow, painful, agonizing three weeks of sucking badly, losing a 9-game lead, only to crumble from the pressure of the final game of the season in the midst of earning a playoff spot. I haven’t seen anything that big get blown since Ann Coulter met Johnny “Wad” Holmes. (for video, log onto anncoultersucks.com)

In the first half, Tony Romo was on fire and on target. Playing lights out, and whipping the undefeated Lions, who couldn’t quite get their shit together on either offense or defense. Flip it around in the second half. It was the most bipolar game I’ve ever seen. Tony-mania in the first half; Major Depressive episode in the second. The Romoboner went limp in the second half. How can Tony look like Tarzan in the beginning of the game, and finish the game playing like Jane? There’s a new word for that, and it’s called riding the Romo-Coaster. (say what?) We, as the Cowboys Faithful, have been on this ride before. It ain’t our first rodeo. The only problem here is that Tony doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes, and Garrett isn’t experienced enough as a head coach to pull him aside and correct them. Listen, it took Brett Favre many years of throwing those type of interceptions before he finally got to the Super Bowl, and the Packers fans out there know well the sting of those growing pains. Am I comparing Tony Romo to Brett Favre? Not just yes, but, hell yes! He looks just like him out there. Now that I’ve said that, go win us a fucking championship, Tony!

Cowboys head coach, Jason Garrett, must be reading these Updates, because he finally called the play on the goal line that I’ve been screaming for… And it scored a touchdown! He finally pulled his head out of his Princeton ass and had Tony Romo rollout to the right and hit a wide open Jason Witten in the end zone for an easy touchdown. How about DUH! It’s the easiest play to run in the red zone, and the hardest to defend. Garrett must feel like Christopher fuckin’ Columbus after what he just discovered. Either that, or he feels like Sherlock fuckin’ Holmes because he finally found a clue. Hey Garrett, run that play every time until the defense learns how to stop it! You’ll score more touchdowns and kick less field goals… or get stuffed with your brilliant and exciting “run between the tackles” play on your extremely annoying fourth and goal calls. Just score on first down you flippin’ moron. That’s how you put the nail in the coffin and win games. Jesus. Do I have to come down there and show you how it’s done? You’re killing me, Smalls!

The real question here, the one that has me eternally perplexed, is: Why do I care this much about a stupid football game? Some mysteries of the Universe are never meant to be solved.

Next up for the Cowboys is the Bye week. Good. Let’s see if they can rehab their injuries and go back to school for a week to not only learn how to win games, but learn how to NOT LOSE games, too. The Cowboys should be 4-0, not 2-2. But if you really look at it so far, they have won two games that they could have easily lost, and they’ve lost two games that they could have easily won. I’d almost feel better about this 2-2 start if the Cowboys had beaten the Jets and Lions, and lost to the 49ers and Redskins, except for the fact, of course, that I hate the fucking Redskins, and any win over them is a good win. Oh, and while we’re at it, Chris Cooley can eat shit. He can’t carry Romo’s jock, so he needs to shut up before the Cowboys make him eat his words on Sunday Nov. 20th. What a dick wiper. A second string dick wiper, at that. What a sad existence to be a Redskins player with two neurons held together by a spirochete for a central nervous system. Syphilitic shithead.

Eli Update: He still sucks. Somebody really needs to smack the shit out of him… sooner, rather than later.

Prediction: Tony Romo does not throw any interceptions this week. Really went out on a limb there, huh?

Enjoy the week off from agonizing over the Cowboys. We all need a break from riding the Romo-coaster. I know I do. One more game like last week’s and I think I might hemorrhage.

Forever the battle cry, “Kill Joe!” And, as always,
Go Cowboys!