… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,
It’s the top of the ninth inning, 3-2 ballgame for the visitors, Jason Garrett at the plate, runners at the corners, two outs, and the count is 0-2. What do you think Garrett is going to do?

Let’s break this down and figure out what is really going on here. It’s late in the game and Jason Garrett has the opportunity to put the game away with a big offensive play. But he has two strikes AND NO BALLS! Can’t go for the jugular. No killer instinct. The strikes that we are referring to are, of course, the two previous losses by the Cowboys, when QB Tony Romo coughed up the ball to teams that should have been soundly beaten. So Garrett, in his infinite stupidity, now lets a fastball right down the middle of the plate go by him without nary a swing. He struck out. He got conservative at the one time of the game that he needed a first down. Gutless loser. He must have forgotten that he had a Pro Bowl QB and a future Hall of Famer at Tight End that can easily move the ball down the middle of the field for a few first downs and salt this game away. But no. He ran the ball right up the middle between the tackles on three straight plays and punted back to Tom “Sunshine” Brady so that he could win the game at home for the 30th straight time in front of all of his adoring fans in New England, perpetuating the ongoing bro-mance there. It was a sickening sight to behold. I had to medicate. You could see it happening right in front of you. You could feel the loss of aggression in the play calling, the lack of confidence in his own offense, the fear of the fourth quarter game-changing turnover oozing out of the head coach’s pores. It was like the previous 56 minutes of football hadn’t mattered. The game plan was changed without notice. Garrett put his own offense into shutdown mode in a weak attempt to run out the clock with 3:36 to play at their own 28 yard line, up 16-13. This is what rookie head coaches do. The 2011 Dallas Cowboys continue to find new and interesting ways to lose what would otherwise be entirely winnable games, and yet never seem to learn anything from them so that it doesn’t happen again. To quote the Dalai Lama, “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson”. Garrett needs a shrink.

Tony Romo started out the game as if he were still on the bye week. He was sluggish and out of rhythm. He threw his first interception of the year that wasn’t in the second half of a game. He’s only had one game all year in which he hasn’t thrown a pick, and that was when he got his ribs broken in San Francisco. After that first quarter, he looked sharp, in control, and took care of the ball with no second half turnovers. He went 27-41 for 312 yards, 1TD, 1 int. Brady was 27-41 for 289 yards, 2 TD, and 2 int. Who was better? If Garrett doesn’t wimp out at the end of the game and lets Tony play, then they get the first downs they need and win the game. JFC! You’re killing me, Smalls!

NFC East Review: As predicted in this very site, Train Rex Grossman showed his true colors against the E-girls on Sunday and threw four picks, three to the same guy, and the Foreskins let the E-girls back into the NFC East race. Even at the bottom with a 2-4 record, Philly is still the darling of all of the “experts” on TV and many have them as their pick to win the division. The Vagiants own the best record so far at 4-2, after narrowly defeating the Bills, but nobody is totally on board their bandwagon just yet. With the recent implosion of the Redskins offense, everyone now assumes that the writing is on the wall and Washington will end up in the basement again at the end of the season. The Cowboys, at 2-3, which could easily be 5-0, are the best team in the division, and the remainder of the season will bear that out. Stay tuned.

Eli Update: The one and only Eli Manning, greatest Quarterback in the world, once again displayed his awesomeness on the field, handing off like no other QB in the league to his new favorite player both on and off the field, Ahmad Bradshaw, for three 1 yard touchdown runs. He’s such a great QB that he doesn’t even have to throw the ball to show his magnificence. After the game, She-li, as he likes to be called by Ahmad in private moments, and Bradshaw went back to his place and listened to Eli’s collection of Air Supply’s Greatest Hits and had an ungreased, backdoor, Hammertime lovemaking session, New York Giants style.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is a home game against the winless St. Louis Lambs. Good. They are going to remain winless after this week. Dallas is pissed and they are absolutely going to kill St. Louis. This game will end the 4 points or less streak when the Cowboys win this game by 30 points. The Lambs are hapless, helpless, and hopeless on the field this year. In addition, QB Sam I Am Bradford is out with a high ankle sprain, walking around in a boot, and backup QB AJ Feeley is taking the first team reps this week in practice. The St. Louis Cardinals have a better chance of scoring this weekend than the Lambs do. (World Series Prediction: Rangers in 5.)

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – St. Louis Lambs 6
If ever there was a time for the Cowboys to get their confidence back, it’s this week. Tony will throw for four touchdowns (2 to Austin, 1 each to Witten and Dez), and the defense will completely play lights out. If Garrett has a brain in his head then he’ll play Phillip Tanner at Running Back this week to see what the kid can do in a real NFL game. With Felix out injured, I guarantee Tanner’s the best RB on the roster. I still think this team can run the table and finish 13-3, even after the disappointing loss to New England. Tony will learn to take care of the football; I have faith in that. Garrett just needs to grow a pair. Time to kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

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