… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,
Under advisement of my friendly somewhat local physician, I got my blood pressure checked during the bye week: 114/72. I don’t even want to know what it is during a Cowboys game, especially when Tony is being Tony.

So what have we learned about the NFL this season, and the Cowboys in particular, through the first quarter of the year? The Cowboys have the potential to either win or lose every game (duh), and that rides primarily on the play of QB Tony Romo. Mistake-free equals a win. Romo turnovers, the NFC East’s favorite snack, equals a Cowboys loss. Win the games you should win, and find a way to win games when you’re not playing your best. This ain’t viral genetics here, people. It’s pretty simple stuff. Tony Romo just needs to learn the answer to the most fundamental question in sports:
Q: What’s the most important thing in the game of football?
A: The football.
As soon as he learns that, the Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

NFC East Review:
The E-girls are turning out to be this year’s version of the 2010 Cowboys. Lots of preseason Super Bowl hype, only to stumble out of the blocks to a 1-4 start, and possibly even to a 1-7 start in the coming weeks, heading toward a 6-10 season. Why is that? Everyone is looking to QB Michael “Pitbull” Vick as the leading cause of their failures, leading the NFC in both interceptions and petty bitching complaints. Also, their defense resembles trying to bail water with a fishing net. Yes, Vick is entirely overrated, and it is fun to watch him get creamed on the field, but the real E-girls problem is with rookie Defensive Coordinator Juan Castillo. I really hate to say this, but they dearly miss the late Jim Johnson. He was their defense. Now every team in the league is beating them like a rented mule… which has me all broken up about it, you can tell. I still contend, however, that the E-girls aren’t even good enough to hate.

Which brings us to the Redskins. They, like the Cowboys, had a bye this past week, so they can rest on their current lead in the NFC East, sitting at 3-1. I see them winning four more games this year, finishing at 7-9. The true Train Rex Grossman will emerge from the rubble as an un-rehabilitatable loser as the season gets sifted through the grates of time. Not even Mike Shanahan will be able to do anything with him. Oh, and CB DeAngelo Hall (big talker, needs a walker) plays like a girl.

Eli Update: The great Eli Manning, as he had his team poised to take the lead at home against the Seattle Seahawks late in the fourth quarter, threw another red zone interception, this one returned 94 yards for a touchdown, that wasn’t his fault, I swear! If his receivers would just do their job, then Eli could show the world just how awesome he is! It’s not fair! This kinda stuff never happens to Peyton! Waaaaaauuuuuuh!

The Green Bay Packers overcame an early 14-0 deficit against the Falcons Sunday night to win 25-14. Mooch and Skeeter were at the game in the Georgia Dome after winning free tickets in a radio contest. They were the first ones to call and correctly identify the nickname of the Falcons QB after successfully hitting themselves in the head with a hammer while on the air with the DJ. Mooch whacked Skeeter upside the head, and then Skeet yelled out, “Matty Iiiiiicccce! Shit that hurt!” The two backwoods boys from Georgia got piss drunk by the end of the first quarter, and got kicked out of the stadium for mooning some lady from the Atlanta Junior League in Section 115. After being escorted out of the dome by security, they continued celebrating a great Falcons win over the reigning Super Bowl Champs by drinking more homemade wood alcohol until they went blind and were picked up out of the gutter by the Atlanta police and taken to the Fulton County lock-up for the night. Only the next day did they realize that Green Bay had come back to win, which only made their vomit-soaked #2 jerseys smell that much more rank. Phoebe, the little retarded girl down the road, picked them up Monday and let them ride back home with her on her bus pass. Mooch and Skeeter didn’t think it was very funny when Phoebe was calling each of them an R-tard all the way home.

NFL Review:
Commissioner Roger “Der Fuhrer” Goodell is the biggest hypocrite in the world of sports. Aside from his arbitrary decision making process for handing out player fines, his inability to define just what Al Davis did for the game of football, and his general ineptitude for running the league, he just doesn’t get it when he pushes forth his “main agenda”. While Goodell and Friends stress the importance of player safety as their number one priority in the NFL, they have targeted concussions as their biggest concern. They’ve even changed some of the rules of the game to stress this very issue; see kickoffs and hits on defenseless receivers. Yet, besides a helmet, the most important safety feature for the players to prevent concussions is not required as part of the football uniform in the NFL. It’s required in every other level of football, from Pop Warner to College, but not in the NFL. We’re talking, of course, about the mouth guard. Study after study has shown that this one piece of athletic equipment, when fitted properly and worn as directed, can prevent as much as 50% of all concussions, and Goodell won’t make it mandatory in the NFL. What an ignorant putz. There’s nothing worse than a hypocrite with power. But it was fun to see Michael Vick spiting blood after being knocked in the noggin by his own teammate against Atlanta a few weeks ago. That’s why you wear a mouth guard, Mike.

Next up for the best Team In Football is the New England Patsies, led by the one and only Sunshine, the Boy Scout. This is the opportunity that the Cowboys have been waiting for: to finally smack the shit out of Tom Brady. I’m looking forward to having a healthy Miles Austin and Orlando Scandrick back on the field for this game. They’ll need every bit of help they can get from their starters to beat the Pats in New England. WR Wes Welker is leading the league in receiving yards. He’s a little Texas Tech prick. The Cowboys will simply have to win a high scoring, shootout-type of game to come home with a victory. I think the Dallas defense will hold them to under 30 points, though. It’s just a matter of if the Cowboys offense gives up points or not. Look for the Patriots offensive line to hold all day long and get a pass from the refs. They never call holding on the guys who protect Brady… that would be blasphemous.

Prediction: Dallas 34 – New England 28
It’s time to really kill Joe this Sunday, as this game could prove to be the turning point of the season for the Cowboys. Win this game, and Dallas has a chance to go 13-3. Lose this game, and they’re looking at 8-8. The theme for Sunday has got to be “Find a way to win”. Garrett might be given a pass on this one if he loses a close game to Bill Belichick. But his coaching resume, and his career for that matter, will be forever bolstered with a win. Find a way to win this game on Sunday, and it will carry over for weeks to come. Find a way to lose, and it’s good-bye season, hello draft, and we’ll get ‘em next year. This game’s on you, Garrett.

Go Cowboys!

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