… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,
RUFKM? To quote Dennis Green, “They are who we thought they were, and we let ‘em off the hook!”

So I’m watching The Best Team In Football play the Lions last Sunday, who are entirely overrated, up 27-3 in the third quarter, feeling pretty good about the game, and my day for that matter, when Tony Romo throws an ill-advised pass into the flat and, of all people, Barbie Carpenter, the former-Cowboys first round pick/special teams player, intercepts it and bumbles his way into the end zone for a touchdown as the Cowboys offense Keystone Cops its way into failing to make a tackle on the change of possession. Isn’t this magical? OK. So Tony made a bonehead play, let’s just move on and win this thing. But no, on the very next series, on his very next pass, Tony does it again, and throws another pick-six to the Lions defense, and all of a sudden they’re back in the game. Now it’s Garrett’s turn to screw things up with horrible play calling. Let’s just say that it went from bad to worse, and the Cowboys gave up their biggest lead in franchise history (24 points) to lose a game. I’ve never seen anything like it. In fact, nobody has, until Sunday. Yea! Tony Romo and Jason Garrett keep making history! Only it’s the wrong kind of history. It feels like they’re the Boston Red Sox right now, collapsing monumentally down the stretch. Only, it took the Cowboys three hours to do it, and the Red Sox took three weeks. A slow, painful, agonizing three weeks of sucking badly, losing a 9-game lead, only to crumble from the pressure of the final game of the season in the midst of earning a playoff spot. I haven’t seen anything that big get blown since Ann Coulter met Johnny “Wad” Holmes. (for video, log onto anncoultersucks.com)

In the first half, Tony Romo was on fire and on target. Playing lights out, and whipping the undefeated Lions, who couldn’t quite get their shit together on either offense or defense. Flip it around in the second half. It was the most bipolar game I’ve ever seen. Tony-mania in the first half; Major Depressive episode in the second. The Romoboner went limp in the second half. How can Tony look like Tarzan in the beginning of the game, and finish the game playing like Jane? There’s a new word for that, and it’s called riding the Romo-Coaster. (say what?) We, as the Cowboys Faithful, have been on this ride before. It ain’t our first rodeo. The only problem here is that Tony doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes, and Garrett isn’t experienced enough as a head coach to pull him aside and correct them. Listen, it took Brett Favre many years of throwing those type of interceptions before he finally got to the Super Bowl, and the Packers fans out there know well the sting of those growing pains. Am I comparing Tony Romo to Brett Favre? Not just yes, but, hell yes! He looks just like him out there. Now that I’ve said that, go win us a fucking championship, Tony!

Cowboys head coach, Jason Garrett, must be reading these Updates, because he finally called the play on the goal line that I’ve been screaming for… And it scored a touchdown! He finally pulled his head out of his Princeton ass and had Tony Romo rollout to the right and hit a wide open Jason Witten in the end zone for an easy touchdown. How about DUH! It’s the easiest play to run in the red zone, and the hardest to defend. Garrett must feel like Christopher fuckin’ Columbus after what he just discovered. Either that, or he feels like Sherlock fuckin’ Holmes because he finally found a clue. Hey Garrett, run that play every time until the defense learns how to stop it! You’ll score more touchdowns and kick less field goals… or get stuffed with your brilliant and exciting “run between the tackles” play on your extremely annoying fourth and goal calls. Just score on first down you flippin’ moron. That’s how you put the nail in the coffin and win games. Jesus. Do I have to come down there and show you how it’s done? You’re killing me, Smalls!

The real question here, the one that has me eternally perplexed, is: Why do I care this much about a stupid football game? Some mysteries of the Universe are never meant to be solved.

Next up for the Cowboys is the Bye week. Good. Let’s see if they can rehab their injuries and go back to school for a week to not only learn how to win games, but learn how to NOT LOSE games, too. The Cowboys should be 4-0, not 2-2. But if you really look at it so far, they have won two games that they could have easily lost, and they’ve lost two games that they could have easily won. I’d almost feel better about this 2-2 start if the Cowboys had beaten the Jets and Lions, and lost to the 49ers and Redskins, except for the fact, of course, that I hate the fucking Redskins, and any win over them is a good win. Oh, and while we’re at it, Chris Cooley can eat shit. He can’t carry Romo’s jock, so he needs to shut up before the Cowboys make him eat his words on Sunday Nov. 20th. What a dick wiper. A second string dick wiper, at that. What a sad existence to be a Redskins player with two neurons held together by a spirochete for a central nervous system. Syphilitic shithead.

Eli Update: He still sucks. Somebody really needs to smack the shit out of him… sooner, rather than later.

Prediction: Tony Romo does not throw any interceptions this week. Really went out on a limb there, huh?

Enjoy the week off from agonizing over the Cowboys. We all need a break from riding the Romo-coaster. I know I do. One more game like last week’s and I think I might hemorrhage.

Forever the battle cry, “Kill Joe!” And, as always,
Go Cowboys!

1 comment

Toph

October 10th, 2011

My Romoboner fell off

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