… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
category: Uncategorized

Cowboys Nation,
It took long enough, six games in fact, but the Dallas Cowboys actually played a game in which they LOOKED like the Dallas Cowboys. Finally.

The Best Team In Football is now at .500, sitting in second place in the NFC East at 3-3. We, the Cowboys faithful, all know that they should be 6-0 at this point in the season, and at the forefront of the conversation of who is the league’s best… but they’re not. This is usually the part of the weekly rant in which I vent my frustrations with America’s Team… but I’m not. Jason Garrett and Rob Ryan did such an excellent job of taking care of business against the Rams last Sunday that I have very little to complain about. Tony Romo played within himself, throwing for 166 yards on 14 completions in 24 attempts, with 2 touchdowns. More importantly though is the fact that he did not throw any interceptions, and his two touchdown passes were both red zone scores. Maybe Red Ball is starting to think like a real NFL head coach. His team certainly showed that they can play like a real NFL team. They finished off the Lambs with a goal line fourth quarter stop, holding them to a single score on the day. I had predicted a final score of 38-6. It was 34-7. I’ll take it; and I accept your apology.

The big story of the day was rookie running back DeMarco Murray, who after not getting the start behind Tashard Choice, lit up the Lambs defense for 253 yards and one touchdown on 25 carries, highlighted by his 91 yard score on the Cowboys’ first possession of the game. Garrett later put in Phillip Tanner, I’m sure because Murray was tired of running through the huge holes that the offensive line created all day, and he promptly rushed for 34 yards and a touchdown on 6 carries. That’s a 5.6 yards per carry average. Choice is officially no longer needed. The new Cowboys backfield three-headed monster is Felix, Murray and Tanner. Write it down.
Jerry should have gotten a third round pick for Choice when he had the chance. Silly billionaire. Thinks he knows football.

Next up for the Cowboys is a trip to Philly to play the E-girls. They are coming off their bye week, and E-girls head coach Andy “Fat Boy” Reid is 12-0 after the bye. It’s going to be fun watching the Cowboys break that streak. E-girls official spokesman, Dick Cumstain, said in a prepared statement, “The Cowboys players had better watch out if they plan on hitting Michael Vick this week. It’s just not fair that they have really big, fast guys like DeMarcus Ware that can hit poor Michael. We’ve already complained to the commissioner about Mike’s concussions, but over the break there was considerable concern regarding possible ruptured ovarian cysts and vaginal bleeding. But it just turned out that Vick had a really bad period this month. We’ve ordered lots of Midol, so everything ought to be ok for Sunday.”
Gosh, I hope the Dallas defense doesn’t rip his skirt as they try to tackle him. It is still tackle football, right? Kill Joe.

Prediction: Cowboys 30 – E-girls 21
Tony will take care of the ball and the defense will not give up the big plays that have plagued them against Philly in the past. Most of Romo’s mistakes have been when he tries to hit Dez on the 20 yard sideline pattern, and with the E-girls corners looking to jump that route, I wouldn’t even try it. Use the middle of the field, take advantage of their poor play at the linebacker position, and play a ball control offensive game plan. Let them get frustrated and try for the big plays. That’s when the Cowboys can take advantage on defense and create turnovers. The E-girls have only two wins, both over two of the teams that the Cowboys have already beaten as well. But you can throw out the records when these two teams meet Sunday night. It will be a win for Dallas; just not as easy of a win as we saw against St. Louis. The Cowboys won their last nationally televised prime time game, the Monday night contest against Washington. Before that, they had lost seven in a row. Get your team fired up, Garrett. You need this win.

Go Cowboys!

category: Uncategorized

Cowboys Nation,
It’s the top of the ninth inning, 3-2 ballgame for the visitors, Jason Garrett at the plate, runners at the corners, two outs, and the count is 0-2. What do you think Garrett is going to do?

Let’s break this down and figure out what is really going on here. It’s late in the game and Jason Garrett has the opportunity to put the game away with a big offensive play. But he has two strikes AND NO BALLS! Can’t go for the jugular. No killer instinct. The strikes that we are referring to are, of course, the two previous losses by the Cowboys, when QB Tony Romo coughed up the ball to teams that should have been soundly beaten. So Garrett, in his infinite stupidity, now lets a fastball right down the middle of the plate go by him without nary a swing. He struck out. He got conservative at the one time of the game that he needed a first down. Gutless loser. He must have forgotten that he had a Pro Bowl QB and a future Hall of Famer at Tight End that can easily move the ball down the middle of the field for a few first downs and salt this game away. But no. He ran the ball right up the middle between the tackles on three straight plays and punted back to Tom “Sunshine” Brady so that he could win the game at home for the 30th straight time in front of all of his adoring fans in New England, perpetuating the ongoing bro-mance there. It was a sickening sight to behold. I had to medicate. You could see it happening right in front of you. You could feel the loss of aggression in the play calling, the lack of confidence in his own offense, the fear of the fourth quarter game-changing turnover oozing out of the head coach’s pores. It was like the previous 56 minutes of football hadn’t mattered. The game plan was changed without notice. Garrett put his own offense into shutdown mode in a weak attempt to run out the clock with 3:36 to play at their own 28 yard line, up 16-13. This is what rookie head coaches do. The 2011 Dallas Cowboys continue to find new and interesting ways to lose what would otherwise be entirely winnable games, and yet never seem to learn anything from them so that it doesn’t happen again. To quote the Dalai Lama, “When you lose, don’t lose the lesson”. Garrett needs a shrink.

Tony Romo started out the game as if he were still on the bye week. He was sluggish and out of rhythm. He threw his first interception of the year that wasn’t in the second half of a game. He’s only had one game all year in which he hasn’t thrown a pick, and that was when he got his ribs broken in San Francisco. After that first quarter, he looked sharp, in control, and took care of the ball with no second half turnovers. He went 27-41 for 312 yards, 1TD, 1 int. Brady was 27-41 for 289 yards, 2 TD, and 2 int. Who was better? If Garrett doesn’t wimp out at the end of the game and lets Tony play, then they get the first downs they need and win the game. JFC! You’re killing me, Smalls!

NFC East Review: As predicted in this very site, Train Rex Grossman showed his true colors against the E-girls on Sunday and threw four picks, three to the same guy, and the Foreskins let the E-girls back into the NFC East race. Even at the bottom with a 2-4 record, Philly is still the darling of all of the “experts” on TV and many have them as their pick to win the division. The Vagiants own the best record so far at 4-2, after narrowly defeating the Bills, but nobody is totally on board their bandwagon just yet. With the recent implosion of the Redskins offense, everyone now assumes that the writing is on the wall and Washington will end up in the basement again at the end of the season. The Cowboys, at 2-3, which could easily be 5-0, are the best team in the division, and the remainder of the season will bear that out. Stay tuned.

Eli Update: The one and only Eli Manning, greatest Quarterback in the world, once again displayed his awesomeness on the field, handing off like no other QB in the league to his new favorite player both on and off the field, Ahmad Bradshaw, for three 1 yard touchdown runs. He’s such a great QB that he doesn’t even have to throw the ball to show his magnificence. After the game, She-li, as he likes to be called by Ahmad in private moments, and Bradshaw went back to his place and listened to Eli’s collection of Air Supply’s Greatest Hits and had an ungreased, backdoor, Hammertime lovemaking session, New York Giants style.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is a home game against the winless St. Louis Lambs. Good. They are going to remain winless after this week. Dallas is pissed and they are absolutely going to kill St. Louis. This game will end the 4 points or less streak when the Cowboys win this game by 30 points. The Lambs are hapless, helpless, and hopeless on the field this year. In addition, QB Sam I Am Bradford is out with a high ankle sprain, walking around in a boot, and backup QB AJ Feeley is taking the first team reps this week in practice. The St. Louis Cardinals have a better chance of scoring this weekend than the Lambs do. (World Series Prediction: Rangers in 5.)

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – St. Louis Lambs 6
If ever there was a time for the Cowboys to get their confidence back, it’s this week. Tony will throw for four touchdowns (2 to Austin, 1 each to Witten and Dez), and the defense will completely play lights out. If Garrett has a brain in his head then he’ll play Phillip Tanner at Running Back this week to see what the kid can do in a real NFL game. With Felix out injured, I guarantee Tanner’s the best RB on the roster. I still think this team can run the table and finish 13-3, even after the disappointing loss to New England. Tony will learn to take care of the football; I have faith in that. Garrett just needs to grow a pair. Time to kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

category: Uncategorized

Cowboys Nation,
Under advisement of my friendly somewhat local physician, I got my blood pressure checked during the bye week: 114/72. I don’t even want to know what it is during a Cowboys game, especially when Tony is being Tony.

So what have we learned about the NFL this season, and the Cowboys in particular, through the first quarter of the year? The Cowboys have the potential to either win or lose every game (duh), and that rides primarily on the play of QB Tony Romo. Mistake-free equals a win. Romo turnovers, the NFC East’s favorite snack, equals a Cowboys loss. Win the games you should win, and find a way to win games when you’re not playing your best. This ain’t viral genetics here, people. It’s pretty simple stuff. Tony Romo just needs to learn the answer to the most fundamental question in sports:
Q: What’s the most important thing in the game of football?
A: The football.
As soon as he learns that, the Cowboys win the Super Bowl.

NFC East Review:
The E-girls are turning out to be this year’s version of the 2010 Cowboys. Lots of preseason Super Bowl hype, only to stumble out of the blocks to a 1-4 start, and possibly even to a 1-7 start in the coming weeks, heading toward a 6-10 season. Why is that? Everyone is looking to QB Michael “Pitbull” Vick as the leading cause of their failures, leading the NFC in both interceptions and petty bitching complaints. Also, their defense resembles trying to bail water with a fishing net. Yes, Vick is entirely overrated, and it is fun to watch him get creamed on the field, but the real E-girls problem is with rookie Defensive Coordinator Juan Castillo. I really hate to say this, but they dearly miss the late Jim Johnson. He was their defense. Now every team in the league is beating them like a rented mule… which has me all broken up about it, you can tell. I still contend, however, that the E-girls aren’t even good enough to hate.

Which brings us to the Redskins. They, like the Cowboys, had a bye this past week, so they can rest on their current lead in the NFC East, sitting at 3-1. I see them winning four more games this year, finishing at 7-9. The true Train Rex Grossman will emerge from the rubble as an un-rehabilitatable loser as the season gets sifted through the grates of time. Not even Mike Shanahan will be able to do anything with him. Oh, and CB DeAngelo Hall (big talker, needs a walker) plays like a girl.

Eli Update: The great Eli Manning, as he had his team poised to take the lead at home against the Seattle Seahawks late in the fourth quarter, threw another red zone interception, this one returned 94 yards for a touchdown, that wasn’t his fault, I swear! If his receivers would just do their job, then Eli could show the world just how awesome he is! It’s not fair! This kinda stuff never happens to Peyton! Waaaaaauuuuuuh!

The Green Bay Packers overcame an early 14-0 deficit against the Falcons Sunday night to win 25-14. Mooch and Skeeter were at the game in the Georgia Dome after winning free tickets in a radio contest. They were the first ones to call and correctly identify the nickname of the Falcons QB after successfully hitting themselves in the head with a hammer while on the air with the DJ. Mooch whacked Skeeter upside the head, and then Skeet yelled out, “Matty Iiiiiicccce! Shit that hurt!” The two backwoods boys from Georgia got piss drunk by the end of the first quarter, and got kicked out of the stadium for mooning some lady from the Atlanta Junior League in Section 115. After being escorted out of the dome by security, they continued celebrating a great Falcons win over the reigning Super Bowl Champs by drinking more homemade wood alcohol until they went blind and were picked up out of the gutter by the Atlanta police and taken to the Fulton County lock-up for the night. Only the next day did they realize that Green Bay had come back to win, which only made their vomit-soaked #2 jerseys smell that much more rank. Phoebe, the little retarded girl down the road, picked them up Monday and let them ride back home with her on her bus pass. Mooch and Skeeter didn’t think it was very funny when Phoebe was calling each of them an R-tard all the way home.

NFL Review:
Commissioner Roger “Der Fuhrer” Goodell is the biggest hypocrite in the world of sports. Aside from his arbitrary decision making process for handing out player fines, his inability to define just what Al Davis did for the game of football, and his general ineptitude for running the league, he just doesn’t get it when he pushes forth his “main agenda”. While Goodell and Friends stress the importance of player safety as their number one priority in the NFL, they have targeted concussions as their biggest concern. They’ve even changed some of the rules of the game to stress this very issue; see kickoffs and hits on defenseless receivers. Yet, besides a helmet, the most important safety feature for the players to prevent concussions is not required as part of the football uniform in the NFL. It’s required in every other level of football, from Pop Warner to College, but not in the NFL. We’re talking, of course, about the mouth guard. Study after study has shown that this one piece of athletic equipment, when fitted properly and worn as directed, can prevent as much as 50% of all concussions, and Goodell won’t make it mandatory in the NFL. What an ignorant putz. There’s nothing worse than a hypocrite with power. But it was fun to see Michael Vick spiting blood after being knocked in the noggin by his own teammate against Atlanta a few weeks ago. That’s why you wear a mouth guard, Mike.

Next up for the best Team In Football is the New England Patsies, led by the one and only Sunshine, the Boy Scout. This is the opportunity that the Cowboys have been waiting for: to finally smack the shit out of Tom Brady. I’m looking forward to having a healthy Miles Austin and Orlando Scandrick back on the field for this game. They’ll need every bit of help they can get from their starters to beat the Pats in New England. WR Wes Welker is leading the league in receiving yards. He’s a little Texas Tech prick. The Cowboys will simply have to win a high scoring, shootout-type of game to come home with a victory. I think the Dallas defense will hold them to under 30 points, though. It’s just a matter of if the Cowboys offense gives up points or not. Look for the Patriots offensive line to hold all day long and get a pass from the refs. They never call holding on the guys who protect Brady… that would be blasphemous.

Prediction: Dallas 34 – New England 28
It’s time to really kill Joe this Sunday, as this game could prove to be the turning point of the season for the Cowboys. Win this game, and Dallas has a chance to go 13-3. Lose this game, and they’re looking at 8-8. The theme for Sunday has got to be “Find a way to win”. Garrett might be given a pass on this one if he loses a close game to Bill Belichick. But his coaching resume, and his career for that matter, will be forever bolstered with a win. Find a way to win this game on Sunday, and it will carry over for weeks to come. Find a way to lose, and it’s good-bye season, hello draft, and we’ll get ‘em next year. This game’s on you, Garrett.

Go Cowboys!

category: Uncategorized

Cowboys Nation,
RUFKM? To quote Dennis Green, “They are who we thought they were, and we let ‘em off the hook!”

So I’m watching The Best Team In Football play the Lions last Sunday, who are entirely overrated, up 27-3 in the third quarter, feeling pretty good about the game, and my day for that matter, when Tony Romo throws an ill-advised pass into the flat and, of all people, Barbie Carpenter, the former-Cowboys first round pick/special teams player, intercepts it and bumbles his way into the end zone for a touchdown as the Cowboys offense Keystone Cops its way into failing to make a tackle on the change of possession. Isn’t this magical? OK. So Tony made a bonehead play, let’s just move on and win this thing. But no, on the very next series, on his very next pass, Tony does it again, and throws another pick-six to the Lions defense, and all of a sudden they’re back in the game. Now it’s Garrett’s turn to screw things up with horrible play calling. Let’s just say that it went from bad to worse, and the Cowboys gave up their biggest lead in franchise history (24 points) to lose a game. I’ve never seen anything like it. In fact, nobody has, until Sunday. Yea! Tony Romo and Jason Garrett keep making history! Only it’s the wrong kind of history. It feels like they’re the Boston Red Sox right now, collapsing monumentally down the stretch. Only, it took the Cowboys three hours to do it, and the Red Sox took three weeks. A slow, painful, agonizing three weeks of sucking badly, losing a 9-game lead, only to crumble from the pressure of the final game of the season in the midst of earning a playoff spot. I haven’t seen anything that big get blown since Ann Coulter met Johnny “Wad” Holmes. (for video, log onto anncoultersucks.com)

In the first half, Tony Romo was on fire and on target. Playing lights out, and whipping the undefeated Lions, who couldn’t quite get their shit together on either offense or defense. Flip it around in the second half. It was the most bipolar game I’ve ever seen. Tony-mania in the first half; Major Depressive episode in the second. The Romoboner went limp in the second half. How can Tony look like Tarzan in the beginning of the game, and finish the game playing like Jane? There’s a new word for that, and it’s called riding the Romo-Coaster. (say what?) We, as the Cowboys Faithful, have been on this ride before. It ain’t our first rodeo. The only problem here is that Tony doesn’t seem to learn from his mistakes, and Garrett isn’t experienced enough as a head coach to pull him aside and correct them. Listen, it took Brett Favre many years of throwing those type of interceptions before he finally got to the Super Bowl, and the Packers fans out there know well the sting of those growing pains. Am I comparing Tony Romo to Brett Favre? Not just yes, but, hell yes! He looks just like him out there. Now that I’ve said that, go win us a fucking championship, Tony!

Cowboys head coach, Jason Garrett, must be reading these Updates, because he finally called the play on the goal line that I’ve been screaming for… And it scored a touchdown! He finally pulled his head out of his Princeton ass and had Tony Romo rollout to the right and hit a wide open Jason Witten in the end zone for an easy touchdown. How about DUH! It’s the easiest play to run in the red zone, and the hardest to defend. Garrett must feel like Christopher fuckin’ Columbus after what he just discovered. Either that, or he feels like Sherlock fuckin’ Holmes because he finally found a clue. Hey Garrett, run that play every time until the defense learns how to stop it! You’ll score more touchdowns and kick less field goals… or get stuffed with your brilliant and exciting “run between the tackles” play on your extremely annoying fourth and goal calls. Just score on first down you flippin’ moron. That’s how you put the nail in the coffin and win games. Jesus. Do I have to come down there and show you how it’s done? You’re killing me, Smalls!

The real question here, the one that has me eternally perplexed, is: Why do I care this much about a stupid football game? Some mysteries of the Universe are never meant to be solved.

Next up for the Cowboys is the Bye week. Good. Let’s see if they can rehab their injuries and go back to school for a week to not only learn how to win games, but learn how to NOT LOSE games, too. The Cowboys should be 4-0, not 2-2. But if you really look at it so far, they have won two games that they could have easily lost, and they’ve lost two games that they could have easily won. I’d almost feel better about this 2-2 start if the Cowboys had beaten the Jets and Lions, and lost to the 49ers and Redskins, except for the fact, of course, that I hate the fucking Redskins, and any win over them is a good win. Oh, and while we’re at it, Chris Cooley can eat shit. He can’t carry Romo’s jock, so he needs to shut up before the Cowboys make him eat his words on Sunday Nov. 20th. What a dick wiper. A second string dick wiper, at that. What a sad existence to be a Redskins player with two neurons held together by a spirochete for a central nervous system. Syphilitic shithead.

Eli Update: He still sucks. Somebody really needs to smack the shit out of him… sooner, rather than later.

Prediction: Tony Romo does not throw any interceptions this week. Really went out on a limb there, huh?

Enjoy the week off from agonizing over the Cowboys. We all need a break from riding the Romo-coaster. I know I do. One more game like last week’s and I think I might hemorrhage.

Forever the battle cry, “Kill Joe!” And, as always,
Go Cowboys!