… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

Why was the 2010 version of America’s Team the Allas Cowboys? No D.

The troubles started with the offense, not being able to run the ball or to put up touchdowns in the red zone, but the real downfall of the team in 2010 was the lack of defense. They gave up a franchise record in points to the opposition. They made journeymen players look All-Pro (read David Garrard). They couldn’t stop anyone or create turnovers. They committed penalties that extended drives for the other team on a routine basis. They were habitually out of position, giving up big plays. Their play got the head coach/ defensive coordinator fired. Now the whole coaching staff is undergoing a total renovation as new coaches are being brought in by the truckload. Amazingly enough, the biggest problem was the secondary, specifically safety Alan Ball, and the only defensive coaches that are being retained from last season are the secondary coaches, Dave Campo and Brett Maxie. Rob Ryan has been brought in to revamp the Cowboys defense as the new coordinator, along with a new D-line coach and linebackers coach. But the glaring problem, Mr. 5-11 Himself, Dave Campo, remains a Cowboys assistant coach. You remember Dave, right? He was the head coach for these same Dallas Cowboys in the early part of this century, never winning more than 5 games in a season… ever. 5-11 was the best he could do. Jason Garrett won 5 games in the second half of the season, narrowly missing an 8-0 career head coaching start, losing 3 games by a combined 7 points. And yet, Dave Campo remains a fixture on the coaching staff. Here’s hoping that Rob Ryan can put the D back in Dallas; even with the liability in his new secondary.

Things that need to change on the Dallas Cowboys defense:
1. Dave Campo needs to leave (repeat ad nauseum).
2. Alan Ball no longer the starting free safety, ok to keep him as a backup corner and special teams player.
3. Igor Olshansky, cut. Make some salary cap room.
4. Keith Brooking, cut. Dude, time to retire.
5. Sean Lee needs to start in the middle.
6. Draft a mean son of a bitch inside linebacker.
7. Draft a starting free safety.
8. Kick Bradie James and Anthony Spencer in the ass and tell them both that the free ride is over. Time to get to work and earn your paycheck.
9. Pick up Michael Huff in free agency.
10. While we’re at it, sign Paul Posluszny in free agency also.
11. Get Victor Butler more playing time.
12. Teach Mike Jenkins and Terrence Newman how to play press coverage at the line of scrimmage. Oh that’s right… that’s Dave Campo’s job!

NBA News: The Melo-Drama is over. The Denver Nuggets have finally made the trade with the Knicks to send Carmelo Anthony to his new home in NYC. Along with Melo, Chauncey Billups, Sheldon Williams, Anthony Carter, and Renaldo Balkman are all going to the Knicks as well. The Nuggets get four players and three draft picks (one first rounder, and two seconds) from New York. Now we have to wait and see if the New Jersey Nets try to make a deal for some of the players that the Nuggets got from the Knicks for a few more first round draft picks. It looks to me like everyone is ready to mortgage their future for a few big names and some star power to boost their PR in the NBA. Commissioner David Stern sits around with his thumb up his ass, smiling as the inner workings of his league pass him by. Oh, and reading anything by Mark Kriegel is a waste of time… mainly because he’s a shithead.

Prediction: The NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement will expire on March 3rd. A new deal will not be in place when the NFL Draft begins on April 28th. I’m looking at mid-May before a new CBA is signed. But then, what’s a few billion dollars between friends?

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Now that we had to sit and watch as the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl in Jerry’s North Texas Taj Mahal, it’s time to reflect on a season that started out so hopeful, and ended in disappointment. At least the Steelers didn’t win it all, either. Unlike the Packers, the Cowboys played less than inspired football all season. In fact, as we will review later in this rant, the Packers handed the Cowboys their worst defeat of the season, 45-7, which ultimately spelled doom for Wade Phillips, as that was the last game in which the Pillsbury Dough Boy acted as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Now the cow-eyed vacant mouth breather is the defensive coordinator for Houston; back home where he belongs.

Super Bowl review: It really is a good thing that I don’t have to rely on betting on the NFL in order to make a living… because I suck at it. Actually, if you just do the exact opposite of what I say to do, then you’d bet like a champ almost every time. The Packers not only won, but they beat the spread and the over. Just like I said they wouldn’t!

Things I liked about the Super Bowl this year:
1. The Steelers lost.
2. Troy Polamalu was rendered wholly ineffective.
3. Christina Aguilera left out “o’er the ramparts we watched” in her stirring rendition of The Star Spangled Banner.
4. Food and beer (how about, Duh!).
5. Steelers fans crying in Dallas.
6. Jennifer Aniston asking, “Who’s playing, again?”
7. Roseanne Barr getting hit by a log.
Although, I still can’t understand why anyone would want to sit through the halftime show and watch while some Black Guy Pees, and then they Slash an Usher. Who knew that beer could taste electronic?

Cowboys 2010: The Year That Wasn’t
Many NFL prognosticators had the Cowboys playing in Super Bowl XLV before the season began, myself included. But that’s not strange, because I pick them to go to the Super Bowl every year. It’s also a “sexy pick” for Vegas every year; mainly because there are so many stupid Cowboy fans out there ready and willing to part with their money. That being said, they grossly under achieved with their so-called talent-rich team in 2010. Here’s a recap of the Season From Hell that we faithful endured.

Game 1: The preseason ineptitude carried over into opening night at Washington, seeing the Cowboys running game go nowhere and the passing game completely out of sync. Tashard Choice fumbled away a touchdown for the Foreskins on the last play of the first half, and Alex Barron’s holding penalty nullified the would-be winning touchdown on the last play of the second half. Lost by 6 points. Donna McNadds was dancing around like he’d just won the Super Bowl. You gotta be kiddin’ me.

Game 2: Roy Williams gets stripped of the ball in the red zone as the Cowboys are closing the gap in the fourth quarter to try to score the tying touchdown. Bears win in the ‘Boys home opener. Lost by 7 points. Not a good start. Unrest in Cowboys Nation.

Game 3: The Cowboys went down to Houston and played like they were supposed to play, and kicked the shit out of the Texans. Tony Romo played great, and the season looked like it was back on track with a good win against a good team heading into the bye week. Optimism was high. Press clippings were read. Both teams were apparently very overrated.

Game 4: The beginning of the end for Wade Phillips starts here. The defense let Tennessee run all over them, and Dallas asserted itself as an undisciplined penalty machine. Roy Williams drops passes, Mike Jenkins gets called for pass interference, and Alan Ball gets beaten consistently. Lost by 7 points. This was the start of a five game losing streak.

Game 5: Should have beaten Minnesota easily. Miles Austin gets called for the most phantom offensive PI in the history of the NFL, nullifying a touchdown. Lost by 3 points on a late field goal. Cowboys should be 5-0. Let the finger pointing begin.

Game 6: She-li Womanning and his merry band of Vagiants win a game they should have lost thanks to more penalties on the Cowboys. The new formula for winning in the NFL is to throw it long against Jenkins; it’s either a completion or a pass interference call. Rookie Chris Gronkowski misses his blitz pick up assignment and gets Tony Romo creamed by Michael Boley. One fractured clavicle and a back up QB later, and the Cowboys lose by 6 points. Team is deflated.

Game 7: The Cowboys defense makes David Garrard look like an All-Pro as he throws for career highs in yards and touchdowns, as the ‘Boys lose a game at home in which they were never in it; mentally or physically. The blowout speaks volumes about the utter disarray of the team. Lost by 18 points. Fans cry for Wade’s head.

Game 8: The Cowboys get shellacked by Green Bay in Lambeau Field 45-7, in a game that looked like Dallas never even got off the bus. Alan Ball is exposed for the fraud that he is at safety. Less than 24 hours later, Wade Phillips is fired. Jason Garrett is the new sheriff in town. But, by all rights, the season is over.

Game 9: The new Red Ball Express arrives at the Swamplands in New Jersey and whips She-li 33-20, as optimism returns to Dallas, albeit way too late. Jon “Psycho Boy” Kitna gets his first win as a Dallas starter. The Cowboys are now 2-7, and hope for a playoff spot is all but lost, even with the win.

Game 10: Dallas beats Detroit 35-19 for their first 2-game winning streak since beating the E-girls twice in a row at the end of 2009. Garrett has the team believing that they can win. But hey, it was Detroit. Who are we fuckin’ kidding?

Game 11: Thanksgiving ends with a bad taste in our mouths watching Roy Williams fumble away another would-be victory, while the defense can stop no one. New Orleans wins by 3 points, in another game that Dallas should have won.

Game 12: Peyton Manning throws four interceptions as the Cowboys win in Indy 38-35. Sean Lee emerges as a playmaker that will likely take over for the aging Keith Brooking next season. Ah yes, next season… it can’t come soon enough.

Game 13: The Cowboys secondary lets DeShithead Jackson have a field day against them in another game the Cowboys should have won. Sounds familiar. Same score that they lost to the Saints two weeks ago, 30-27. God I fuckin’ hate the E-girls.

Game 14: The rematch against the Foreskins sees Donna McNadds sitting on the bench as “Train” Rex Grossman leads a second half comeback against a Cowboys defense that thought they had the game won in the first half. Oops. There’re two halves in football. Dallas wins a squeaker 33-30.

Game 15: David Buehler misses an extra point that comes back to bite Jason Garrett in the ass, as the Cardinals win on a last second field goal by one point, 27-26, because the defense still sucks. Merry fuckin’ Christmas. Garrett has now lost three games by a total of 7 points.

Game 16: The E-girls play their scrubs to rest for their upcoming playoff loss, and Stephen McGee gets his first start for the Cowboys in a lackluster, boring affair to end the season in Philly with a 14-13 win. Following their next game, once again the E-girls lose two in a row to end their season and the playoffs.

I’ll give you the Jacksonville and Green Bay losses where the team never even showed up, but the Cowboys really should have gone 14-2. But that’s working under the assumption that Wade knew how to coach, and the players felt like being professionals all season. Where the hell was Michael Irvin?

Stay tuned for CBA and Draft commentary. In other words, the rant will continue later.

Go Cowboys!

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Someone needs to explain to me why when the Cowboys fail to play in the Super Bowl in their home stadium it’s a disaster of epic proportion, nationwide headline news, and an unmatched failure in the world of sports, worthy of laughing Jerry Jones out of the NFL, but when it happens to Miami (9 times), or to New Orleans (7 times), or to Arizona (2 times), no one even speaks a word about it. Ever since the Cowboys started out the 2010 season at 1-7, and the writing was on the wall that Dallas would sit and watch Super Bowl XLV, it has become a grand apology tour for Jerry, and the media insist he’s eating crow. I disagree. It looks to me like Jerry Jones gets the last laugh in hosting this weekend’s event … all the way to the bank.

Also, does having the Super Bowl at the Rose Bowl in 1980, played by the Los Angeles Rams and the Pittsburgh Steelers, not count as a “home game” for L.A.? Just because their home stadium was the L.A. Coliseum and not the Rose Bowl, it was still played in the greater Los Angeles area. And when the 49ers played the Bengals in the Super Bowl that was held at Stanford, that doesn’t count either, apparently. So we’ve determined that it has to be in your actual home stadium. Fine. Let’s all point and laugh at the Dolphins, because they’ve failed the most times at this hosting / playing combo gig. Go suck a fish, Miami.

NFC/ AFC Championships: Both games turned out to be a tale of two halves. Green Bay came out on fire in the first half and Da Bears looked lost. Then Julius Peppers hit QB Aaron Rodgers in the head, and Green Bay’s offense slowed down, allowing Da Bears to make it a game in the second half, only to come up short in the end. (Just the way Eli Manning likes it)

The Jets looked completely flat in the first half against the Steelers, and let Pittsburgh jump out to a 24-0 lead. This was bolstered by the defensive touchdown scored late in the second quarter on another Ed Hochuli Moment, where the oft-myopic referee / attorney made another call that was questionable at best concerning a fumble-vs-incomplete pass ruling that ultimately decided the game. The Jets lost to the Steelers 24-19. If the Jets get the call, it’s Steelers 17-3 at halftime. Rex Ryan’s defense held Pittsburgh scoreless in the second half, and then we could’ve been looking at a Green Bay-NY Jets Super Bowl. Not to be. Der Fuhrer is happier this way.

Super Bowl XLV: This Super Bowl will see at least one former Cowboy get a Super Bowl ring. Offensive tackle Flozell Adams and Kicker Shaun Suisham both play for Pittsburgh now. Former Cowboys fourth round draft pick LB Erik Walden plays for the Packers, and has been an outstanding playoff performer so far this season, but the Cowboys cut him before he even made the roster. I guess the scouts were right and the coaches weren’t. (Someone please tell me why we drafted Anthony Spencer ahead of Lamar Woodley?) Flozell looked like he’d already retired when he was serving out his last days in Dallas. Now he’s the starting Right Tackle for the Steelers. That means that OLB Clay Matthews is going to line up opposite Flozell, and run right around him to get a hit on Ben Roethlisberger. Flo’s gonna need some help.

Everyone’s predicting a high scoring game this year. Not me. I think that’s Las Vegas pushing the line to make extra cash. I won’t be a bit surprised to see a scoreless first quarter, or a 7-3 halftime score. I’m also making the prediction that this will be the first Super Bowl in history to have a player ejected from the game; either a dirty hit, or because of a fight. My money’s on James Harrison.

Prediction: Green Bay 23 – Pittsburgh 20

If you’re going to bet this game, take Pittsburgh and the points, and bet the Under. Or not. I’m a notoriously poor gambler. I just REALLY don’t want to see Pittsburgh win another Super Bowl… especially in Jerry’s House. How can anyone possibly give the Steelers 2.5 points? I think they should be favored to win it. We’ll see Sunday night whether it’s Aaron Rodgers or Big Ben holding up the prize at the end of the game.

Bottom line: it should be Tony Romo.

Go Cowboys!