… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

In the last week, the Cowboys have openly searched for a new Defensive Coordinator, publicly “found one”, but have been less than open about finalizing a deal with their new DC. All reports point to Rob Ryan, former DC with Cleveland, twin brother of Jets head coach, Rex Ryan, and son of former E-girls head coach, Buddy Ryan. We all remember Buddy, right? He of the famed Bears 46-Defense, and notorious Cowboy-hater who instigated the “Bounty Bowl” while coaching in Philadelphia. I think we can all agree that Buddy is a worthless piece of shit, but that doesn’t mean that Rob won’t be a good defensive coordinator. Personally, I like the hire. The Cowboys need someone to come in and kick the defense’s ass a bit, now that the cupcake is gone. (Incidentally, Wade Phillips is now the new defensive coordinator of the Houston Texans. He’s back home in Houston, where his coaching career began as an assistant with the Oilers under his dad, Bum. Good. He’s Houston’s problem now.) We still have to wait to see who Ryan brings in to Big D as his defensive assistants, but as long as Dave Campo is gone, whoever he brings with him will be an upgrade.

Divisional Playoffs: As I predicted, the Falcons were this year’s wannabe’s and lost in their first playoff game with the number one seed and home field advantage. It looks like the only real “Matty Ice” is an NHL All-Star, plays for the Avalanche, and wears #9. Matt Ryan threw interceptions that cost his team dearly, while Packers QB Aaron Rodgers looked like an All-Pro. Green Bay absolutely smoked Atlanta 48-21, but in reality it wasn’t even that close.

Da Bears easily dismantled the Seahawks in the other NFC match up last weekend, making everyone in Denver cringe as Jay Cutler advances to the NFC Championship game while the Donkeys are at home looking at the second pick in April’s draft. Those were the two games I got right. It’s a good thing that I don’t depend on betting on football to make a living.

The AFC games, although I predicted incorrectly, went as I thought they might. The Ravens took an early lead against the Steelers, and then proceeded to show off their weaknesses on offense. Most notably, QB Joe Flacco is just not very good. Also, Baltimore’s offensive coordinator, Cam Cameron, has got to be the worst play caller in the league, which may be the reason he no is longer the head coach in Miami for Bill Parcells. Oh well. I really just wanted Pittsburgh to lose; I didn’t think they would.

The Jets actually did what I wanted: someone finally smacked the shit out of Tom Brady! Although no injury was incurred, Daisy was sacked 5 times, and was continually frustrated all day. The look on his face after each 3-and-out was priceless. Thank you, Jets. You made my weekend. I really wanted the Jets to win; I just didn’t think they would. Mark Sanchez was less than impressive in the win, but he got it done. Announcer Phil Simms said, “There’s nowhere for Sanchez to throw the ball”… except for that wide open receiver that Sanchez never sees. Now they have to continue their romp through the big boys of the AFC and go beat the Steelers. They’re on the road for their third straight playoff game, so it’s gimme two pickets to Tittsburgh, here come the Jets! Now we need for someone to smack the shit out of Hines Ward. Please. He’s a prick.

Predictions: AFC Championship- Steelers over Jets.
NFC Championship- Packers over Bears

I want the Jets and Da Bears to win, but if I pick them, then they’ll lose. So, there you have it.

As always, Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

As expected, Jason Garrett was named the full time head coach for the Dallas Cowboys last week by owner/GM Jerry Jones. Good. Now he needs to fill his coaching staff with assistants that know not only how to coach, but also how to win football games. That concept seemed to have somehow escaped Wade Phillips. Buh-bye to Dave Campo should be coming soon.

I’d like to see the Cowboys take a look at Chuck Pagano, the secondary coach for the Baltimore Ravens. He always seems to have his players in the right positions to make plays. Lots of interceptions. Good tacklers. Of course, maybe Jerry needs to learn how to draft players that can DO that first. Dallas needs to create a better push from the inside of the defensive line to give the secondary more of an advantage also. Without a good pass rush, it doesn’t matter who you have covering the receivers, they’ll get beaten. The Cowboys had essentially the same starting defense in ’09 and ’10, with the biggest change being the loss of Ken Hamlin and the addition of Alan Ball at safety, but they went from 9th in the league in points allowed in ’09 to giving up a franchise record 436 points in ’10, the worst in club history. The offense scored 394 points this season, for 7th in the league. Not too bad. But when you give up a franchise record in points to the opposition, you end up 6-10, like the Cowboys did.

At least they draft ahead of all three of their NFC East rivals in April this year; none of whom won a playoff game this season either, since the Packers beat the E-girls like I said they would.

Wild Card Playoffs: Yes, the E-girls came up short against the Pack on Sunday, as Michael Vick threw an interception in the end zone to finish the game. Michael Vick throws a pick. Has a nice ring to it.

The Ravens easily dismantled the Chiefs in Kansas City, as they held Duane Bowe to zero receptions and forced 5 turnovers.

Peyton Manning and his Colts offense had to sit on the sidelines and watch former Cowboy Nick Folk hit a game-winning field goal to end the game as the Jets left Indianapolis a winner, unlike last year’s AFC Championship game. The Colts just didn’t have the fire power like in years past. Darrelle Revis shut down Reggie Wayne allowing him just one catch for just one yard. Reggie was quoted after the game saying, “But that’s not fair. I’m Reggie Wayne. REGGIE WAYNE! The NFL has to do something about this! I’M REGGIE WAYNE!!” At Least Duane Bowe didn’t whine about it after the Chiefs lost.

The only miss on last week’s predictions came in Seattle, as the Seahawks upset the defending Super Bowl champs, the New Orleans Saints, 41-36. The play of the weekend came on a 67 yard touchdown run by Marshawn Lynch where he muscled his way through and past 8 Saints defenders’ arm tackles in what was one of the most incredible rushing plays I’ve ever seen. It was manly. It was beastly. It was man-beast-expialidocious. It will be his defining moment in the NFL. Lynch may as well retire.

Divisional Playoffs: The Falcons had the best record in the NFC this season. Good for them. They have home field advantage, and got a first round bye. Also good for them. They have to play the red hot Green Bay Packers. Not so good for them. The Packers come in to the ATL as the #6 seed in the NFC… but nobody wants to play them. Just ask Andy “Fat Boy” Reid. Green Bay seems to have finally found a running game after their first 82 running backs all found themselves on IR. QB Aaron Rodgers is this week’s Golden Boy in the eyes of the media, but only because “Sunshine” Brady didn’t play last week. Everyone says Atlanta is tough to beat at home, but the Saints just did it at the end of the season. I’m looking at the Falcons to be this year’s version of the ’07 Cowboys, having the number one seed, a first round bye, and getting beaten by the number 6 seed at home because they thought they were a lock for the Super Bowl. Sorry Dirty Bird fans, your coach, Mike Smith, has about as many playoff victories as Wade Phillips. Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.

The Jets have to go to New England to play Sunshine’s Patriots. Can someone please smack the shit out of Tom Brady? Please? Once? The Jets have to bring their A game to win this one. The Jets need to lay a whoopin’ on the Pats to cover Rex Ryan’s fat ass, as well as his big fuckin’ mouth. I hope they do. (But, yes, we know. Hope is not a strategy.)

The Seahawks travel to Chicago to face Da Bears on Sunday. There’s little chance that they repeat their Wild Card performance and upset Da Bears. Chicago’s defense is much better than the Saints, and Seattle is a pitiful road team. Bears win… unless Jay “Party Boy” Cutler throws four interceptions, of course.

The early game on Saturday has the best match up of the weekend in Pittsburgh with the Ravens and the Steelers. This will be a hard-hitting, bloody, mean, nasty, ugly game decided by all the father-rapers from the Group W bench at the end… by a field goal… as usual. The winner of this game will probably be too beaten up to win the next week, so the Jets had better take care of business, or else the Boy Scout is going to the Super Bowl again.

Predictions: Packers over Falcons

Patriots over Jets

Bears over Seahawks

Ravens over Steelers

Please fire Dave Campo.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

The Dallas Cowboys finished off their dismal, highly-forgettable, season of underachievement with a win over the Philadelphia E-girls 14-13 last Sunday, only to find that winning that game dropped their draft position by four spots. They draft 9th in April, which will leave them watching for the first two hours as the best players that would fit on their team get snatched up by others who had the good sense to lose their last game of the season. Oh well. At least they beat Philly, went 3-3 in the division, and did not get swept by a division opponent this year. I don’t care who played or didn’t play for the E-girls in that last game. Dallas put their third string QB out there making his first NFL start. So you can say what you want; they won. Eagles spokesman, Dick Cumstain, said in a prepared statement, “If we’d a played Mike Vick out there today it woulda been much different. It’d been a real dogfight out there. Instead, our pussy little second stringer couldn’t get the job done against their third stringer. We shoulda played DeSean Jackson. He’s the greatest wide receiver ever. But he was too busy blowing his boyfriend in the locker room. Well, at least that’s what Andy said.”

Now the Cowboys need to start the Re-season. That is, the re-evaluating, re-building, and re-thinking what they are doing and which direction this team is headed. It looks pretty certain that Jason Garrett will be the head coach. Fine. As I’ve stated before, they need new assistant coaches and some new players.

People that need to leave: (in order of importance that they are no longer affiliated with the Dallas Cowboys)

Dave Campo, secondary coach. Dude, just retire already. You’ve lost whatever “edge” you thought you ever had. The worst coach on the staff.

Brett Maxie, safeties coach. Second worst coach on the staff. Dude, do you even show up for work? Your safeties are NEVER in position to make a play.

Alan Ball, safety. Couldn’t cover a thumbtack hole with a mural. Couldn’t tackle a one-legged ice skater. Couldn’t study film on four-day-old pudding.

Alex Barron, offensive (and I mean offensive) tackle. Helped to lose games, not win them this year. Useless and taking up roster space.

Roy Williams, wide receiver. If dropped balls and fumbles are what you’re looking for, then have we got a trade for you!

Marc Colombo, right tackle. To say that he’s lost a step would be an understatement. Defensive ends run around him like George W around the constitution.

Marion Barber III, running back. Bad attitude, and worse running ability. Can’t pick up a first down on third and short. More concerned with his hair than winning.

Paul Pasqualoni, defensive coordinator. Giving up 30+ points per game is a great formula for going 6-10. Oh wait, we just did that!

Igor Olshansky, defensive end. Ineffective and over-paid. Reminds me of Dorfman (Flounder) from Animal House.

Keith Brooking, inside linebacker. Old, with declining skills on both run defense and pass coverage. Would probably make a good coach (somewhere else).

Chris Gronkowski, fullback. This is the guy that didn’t (read can’t) pick up a blitz, and let Tony Romo get his clavicle broken, wounding the Cowboys down to a cellular level. The heart and soul of the team was gone for the year, yet inexplicably, this guy was still there. Teach him to block, or cut him. There is no in between.

Hudson Houck, offensive line coach. This guy was great when the Cowboys had great players. He obviously can’t coach the non-elite.

Bradie James, inside linebacker. Too slow to make plays. This is a huge area of need for the upcoming draft.

Playoff predictions: Saints over Seahawks

Jets over Colts

Ravens over Chiefs

Packers over E-girls

The Saints aren’t as good as they were last season, and the Cowboys should have beaten them on Thanksgiving, if not for Roy Williams forgetting that he was carrying a football. They still can beat a sub-500 Seahawks team on the road though, even if it’s loud there. The Saints are much better than the St. Louis Lambs, who couldn’t get the job done in the final game of the regular season.

I think the Colts are lucky to be in such a weak division, perennially winning it and hosting a playoff game. If the Jets can play good, solid defense, then they can easily beat the Colts in Indy. The Cowboys did.

The Chiefs are in a similar situation to the Seahawks and Colts. They are hosting a better team in a playoff game because they won a weak division. The Ravens will stop the Chiefs running game, pick off a few passes, and win on the road.

The Packers beating the E-girls will make the Wild Card Weekend sweep with all four home teams losing. The E-girls realistically should be on a four-game losing streak. But that also means that She-li and his New Jersey Vagiants would be in the playoffs instead. It doesn’t matter, either one of them would lose to Green Bay.

As always, Go Cowboys!

The losers say, “Deal”, while the winners gather up their chips and order another drink.

I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.