… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

Jason Garrett has now lost three games as the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys by a combined seven points. You can point to the fumbles, interceptions, stupid penalties and bad calls all you want; I’m lookin’ at the kicker.

Now, I like David Buehler. I think he’s got the potential to be a great NFL kicker. He’s got a strong leg and his accuracy seemed to have been improving over the season until Saturday night when he missed an extra point that would have at least guaranteed overtime. Instead, it opened the door for the Cardinals to get a 48 yard game-winning field goal with ten seconds left to beat the Cowboys 27-26 in yet another game they should have won. If the Cowboys were to get rid of Buehler, then he’d probably end up in the Pro Bowl with some other team, like former Cowboy Billy Cundiff this year.

The losses suffered by the Cowboys since the promotion of Garrett have all been in games that could have (should have) been won. Much like several of the games lost under head coach Wade Phillips. I think Garrett is doing a much better job than Phillips did, and I think that changing head coaches now, at the end of the season or during the off season to get a “sexy pick” like Gruden or Billick or Cowher, would be a mistake. Jerry knows that he has to be PC with the media, so he keeps sending messages about other coaches he’s going to look at and possibly interview. He has to. The NFL’s Rooney Rule requires him to interview at least one minority candidate for the head coaching job. Fine. Go through the formalities and hire Jason Garrett full time with a long term contract to be the Cowboys head coach for many years to come. Besides, Cowher ain’t comin’ to Dallas.

This brings us to the assistant coaches, which brings us right back where we started with the kicker. The Cowboys need a new kicking coach. Not a replacement for Special Teams Coordinator Joe DeCamillis, he’s done a good job for the most part. I’m talking about a coach that can come in and really teach this kid Buehler HOW to be an NFL kicker.

On the chopping block has to be Secondary coach Dave Campo. He’s gotta go. His secondary is horrible. Garrett needs to cut Alan Ball, and then get a new secondary coach in there to get the other players up to their potential. Mike Jenkins is out of position on far too many plays, and gets either burned or penalized; both of which help you to lose ball games. Coach Brett Maxie can exit with Campo, too.

Paul Pasqualoni needs to leave also. His primary duties before Phillips left were the defensive line, which has sucked all year. Now that he’s the Defensive Coordinator, the whole defense sucks, as evidenced by their giving up over 30 points a game since he took over the coordinator position.

The linebackers coach, Reggie Herring, in order to keep his job, needs to get two new young stud linebackers to replace Brooking and James, and then teach them how to TACKLE! Bradie James had control of the ball on the BS call that overturned his interception in the second half that would have put Dallas in good scoring position. The ball can move when it hits the ground as long as you have CONTROL of it. He did. Bullshit call. Potential game-deciding BS call. Of course it went against Dallas! Herring also needs to teach Anthony Spencer to stay in his outside position instead of cheating inside on the rush, and getting beaten on the outside by a running back that should be tackled behind the line of scrimmage, repeatedly!

The offensive line hasn’t been much better. It’s difficult to tell if it’s a player / personnel issue, or if O-line coach Hudson Houck needs his walking papers. Either way, Colombo has to go. He’s a big, flat-footed, lug of beef that defensive ends abuse on every pass play. Buh-bye.

Roy Williams, again, bobbles a pass, that then gets picked off for a touchdown. This, after Miles Austin slips on the second play from scrimmage, and Kitna’s first pass of the night gets picked off for a touchdown. The Cowboys spotted the Cardinals 14 easy points before they got two first downs. Keep Austin, cut Roy.

MBIII finally got a long touchdown run against the Cardinals on Saturday night, and then proceeded to act like he’d never been there before and dance around like some tribesman who’d just downed his first wildebeest and took off his helmet in the field of play for a 15 yard penalty. Nice going, moron. You’ll look good in a Bengals uniform next season.

While future Hall of Fame Tight End Jason Witten has been breaking all-time NFL records, reaching 600 receptions faster than any TE in the history of the game (yes, that means ahead of Tony Gonzalez, Antonio Gates, and Kellen Winslow, Sr.) injured Quarterback Tony Romo has been scoring OFF the field. Tony is now engaged to a local TV newscaster in the Metroplex, Candy Crawford; a former Miss Teen Texas second runner-up, and former Miss Missouri. (I guess that just means that third place in Texas can win some other state’s beauty contest.) Crawford hosts the show “Up All Night”… there’re just too many easy jokes to be made with that one. Just stay off Tony’s left clavicle, ok?

Can we all agree that Joe Theissman is a fucking idiot? With 1:54 left in the game, rookie QB Stephen McGee was driving the Cowboys into scoring position at midfield. Theissman, shit for brains, says,” I don’t know why they’re not hurrying up. They’re running out of time.” I yell at the TV, “NO. Don’t score too fast!” McGee then throws a touchdown pass with 1:41 left in the game, on a beautiful throw to Austin, only to allow more than enough time for the Cardinals to get the ball back and win the game. Joe’s a fuckhead. Kill Joe!

Next up for the Best Team In Football, is the season-ending rematch with the E-girls in Philly. The E-girls just lost to the Vikings, who were being led by rookie QB Joe Webb in his first NFL start. Maybe McGee can do the same thing to the E-girls in his first start, and go into Philadelphia and beat the entirely overrated E-girls on their own turf. Philly should have lost to Dallas three weeks ago, and they should have lost to the Vagiants two weeks ago. Then everyone seems “shocked” that they get beaten by the Vikes. Not me. The Cowboys should win this one, sending the E-girls into the playoffs on a 2-game losing streak.

Prediction: Cowboys 23 – Philly 21

Just play defense and this is a win. 6-10 after a 1-7 start is on the right track, but still a very disappointing season, and wholly unacceptable in Cowboys Nation. The Cowboys should be 13-2 right now, but they’re not smart enough to be. They played stupidly all year. Stupid is as does stupid does, Ms. Blue.

Go Cowboys!

Happy New Year!

I’ll continue the rant throughout the playoffs, even though the ‘Boys are done.

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Cowboys Nation,

As expected, the Best Team In Football kicked the living shit out of a clearly inferior team last Sunday by disposing of the Maryland Foreskins, led by their new quarterback Train-Rex Grossman. The Cowboys pushed into the red zone on their first eight possessions, scoring three touchdowns, three field goals, missing a field goal, and failing to convert a fourth and goal from the one yard line. In my book, that’s five touchdowns left on the field. They simply could not put the hammer down. They scored 9 points when it should have been 35. But, I guess I can’t expect 56 points on the first eight possessions. Wait… I CAN!

The Cowboys don’t have a good goal line play in their playbook without Tony Romo in the game. What they need to do is line up in the power I-formation, fake the handoff to the fullback, who then leaps forward into the pile at the goal line while the quarterback pitches wide to the tailback, who then literally walks into the end zone. Am I the only one who knows how to design a running play on fourth and goal from the fucking one yard line?

The next complaint is directed toward the defense… but only because they suck. Alan Ball has got to be the worst safety in the league. Newman gets beaten routinely now, and Jenkins never seems to be in the correct position to make a play. The inside linebackers are members of the law firm Rilly, Old & Slow. The only thing that the interior lineman can clog up is a toilet. These are coaching issues, Sports Fans, and they are all left over from the vacant mouth-breather that used to do nothing on the sidelines, The Pillsbury Dough Boy. Garrett’s going to get the job next year, so the big item on his agenda needs to be to clean house in the assistant coach’s corner. Dave Campo has got to go. His secondary has more holes in it than a Tijuana hooker bar. The only thing the Cowboys defense can tackle is first grade math. They should start putting Offensive Lineman Alex Barron in to play defense; he can tackle any one.

NFL News: The DFN of the Week Award goes to the entire Vagiants punt team. New Jersey head coach Tom Coughlin blew a gasket as he watched: a) his rookie punter kick it to DeShithead Jackson with 11 seconds left in the game with the score tied 30-30; b) DeShithead fumble the punt and none of his players were even close to make a recovery; c) DeShithead run through his punt team and no one even touched him; d) DeShithead score a touchdown to win the game for the E-Girls with no time left on the clock; e) all of the above. It would have been funny if it had been any other team but the E-Girls.

Brett Favre started for the Vikings on Monday night against Da Bears, making his new consecutive start streak at one and counting. My prediction: it ends at one, too.

I know I haven’t said this all year, but now is the time. Could somebody please smack the shit out of Tom Brady? Thank you.

Next up for the Cowboys is a Christmas Day game in the desert against the Cardinals. After winning their division last year, the Cardinals have been, as they say, “less than excellent”. Of course, so have the ‘Boys from Big D this year. At least the Cowboys have done their best to correct their mistakes and win games, while Arizona seems perfectly happy to wallow in the basement of the worst division in the NFL. The Cowboys will give me a nice birthday present this year and win big.

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – Arizona 9

The Cardinals best player this year is their kicker. He’s good for a few field goals for all of their scoring, as long as the Cowboys defense shows up and learns how to tackle between now and Saturday. Larry Fitzgerald, although a great wide receiver, can’t do much if their quarterback sucks donkeys. (and he does… I have photos) Who is their QB now, anyway? I can’t tell. There’s a big donkey in the way in the picture.

Kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Somehow the Cowboys keep finding new and interesting ways to lose football games. This time they did it by allowing that little punkass turd-licker DeShithead Jackson to showboat his way to over 200 yards receiving on just four receptions. This is including a 60 yarder on the first play of the game, just like the E-Girls did to Washington a few weeks ago. Does Jason Garrett not watch film? Everybody in the stadium knew what Andy “Fat Boy” Reid was going to do on the first play of the game! He likes to roll out Vick to the left (because he’s left-handed) and huck it deep. Oh. But we have Terrence Oldman covering him, with safety support from Alan Ball-less. They probably DID know it was coming, they just suck so bad in the secondary that they couldn’t do anything about it. That and Dave Campo is the secondary coach. Nuff said.

So the Cowboys end up losing another game that they should have won, 30-27. Same score as the Thanksgiving game against New Orleans… which they should have won also – but Roy Williams fumbled. Yes. We all remember.

This season is over, but I still like beating our division rivals. If the Cowboys are going to be out of the playoffs, and go 6-10, then I’d like to see them beat the Foreskins, E-Girls and Vagiants all twice for the six victories. This year, the best they can do is a 3-3 split within the division. Which brings us to Sunday’s game against Washington at Cowboys Stadium.

The Foreskins are having their fair share of problems this year. Good. It’s not like I’m all broken up about it. They have a lazy, disgruntled, overweight, albeit rich, defensive lineman in Fat Albert Haynesworth, and they have an aging quarterback that runs like he’s got a corncob up his ass in Donna McNadds. Their head coach, Mike Shanahan, isn’t happy with either one of them, and it shows. Shanny’s getting more red in the face each day dealing with all of the piddly-ass whiners that Danny Boy Snyder has surrounded himself with. Now they have to come down to Texas and get their ass whipped.(Kill Joe) Let’s see if the Cowboys offense shows up for this one.

NFL News: Brett Favre finally missed a game due to injury. It should have happened long ago. The man is as broken down as a ’74 Ford Pinto. He missed the game against the New Jersey Vagiants that got moved to Monday in Detroit, instead of Sunday in Minneapolis. The roof caved in on both the Metro-dump and the Vikings season, and now their entire franchise is in disarray. They lost to She-li and his vagiants in what can only be called a pitifully played, ugly game, that made everyone jump back on to the New Jersey bandwagon. She-li almost missed the game too, just like Brett. She-li came up with a sore throat before the game. But, it turns out, the white spots on his tonsils were only semen.

Prediction: Cowboys 33 – Foreskins 10

I like the ‘Boys chances this Sunday. If they lose to Washington, then Jerry may be looking to find another head coach next year instead of Jason Garrett. Losing this game, for Garrett, is not an option. Keep f’n that chicken.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

A moment of silence please, as we remember the great Don Meredith.

Dandy Don was the Quarterback of the Cowboys before they were even America’s Team. He helped to transform the fledgling expansion team into a force to be reckoned with in just the first six seasons of their existence, taking them to two straight title games before the Super Bowl Era. He only played eight years. He remains my buddy Dave’s favorite player, and he was the reason that I first started to love the Dallas Cowboys back in the sixties. Meredith-to-Hayes changed the passing game of the NFL forever; you could no longer play “three yards and a cloud of dust” anymore. A champion on the field, a hero in the state of Texas, and a Ring of Honor inductee, he’s in the Hall of Fame… of Broadcasting, not the NFL. He made watching Howard Cosell bearable.

The Cowboys, as I predicted, kicked the living shit out of the Colts on Sunday, as the defense returned two of their four Peyton Manning interceptions for touchdowns. Manning, in his post-game interview, gave no excuses for his poor play, saying, “I really sucked out there today. I sucked worse than my little brother, Eli, when he gargles with Hans Onnaman’s cum. I really let my team take one up the ass today, just like Eli at a frat party. I blew it out there, worse than Eli blows his teammates after games.” Hey Peyton, we understand.

Injury Notes: Rookie Dez Bryant broke his right fibula returning a kickoff, had surgery on Monday morning, and is out for the year. That just means that Roy Williams is going to actually have to play Wide Receiver now, instead of standing around with his thumb up his ass.

Bert Favor got hit in the first series of the game last Sunday, dislocating his right sterno-clavicular joint. (That’s the joint that connects your ARM to your BODY) It wasn’t bloody enough to create the Brett Favre Memorial Hashmark, or to see the sucking chest wound with a tension pneumothorax that we’ve all been waiting for. This may actually put him on the bench, but knowing his ego (which is much larger than any of his body parts we now know thanks to photos on deadspin.com) he’ll hobble out there to just make the start even though he’s a worthless piece of shit and makes his team worse. Will the black coach play the black QB? Find out Sunday as the Vikings play the NY Vagiants at 12 noon CST.

Ben Roethlisberger got his nose broken in their game against the Ravens Sunday night. It was an inadvertent punch to the face as Haloti Ngata was trying to make the sack. No penalty was called on the play, but Der Fuhrer decided that he needed to be fined anyway, since it was the Steelers game and someone needed to be fined. Plus, Big Ben and the Commish are buddies now that Roethlisberger gave him all those dating tips. He looks better with the broken nose. Maybe now he can get laid without getting an underage coed drunk in the restroom of a bar in Georgia.

News around the NFL: Fat Albert Haynesworth, he of the $100 million contract, has been suspended for the final four games of the season by Foreskins head coach Mike Shanahan. That’s really getting your Haynesworth, but not your money’s worth.

Dave Wannstedt was fired as head coach of the Pitt Panthers. Could we see a return to Dallas to help the defense next year?

Next up for The Best Team In Football is a Sunday night match up with the E-girls at Cowboys Stadium. The Cowboys haven’t played them yet this year, but won two in a row against them to end the E-girls’ season last year. Now Michael “Bulldog” Vick is their QB, and the media love him again. They’re ready to crown the E-girls champs. I think DeMarcus Ware and his defensive buddies will have something to say about that. Kill Joe!

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – E-girls 20

Michael Vick will finish this game broken in half in a bloody pile on the bench as he watches Kevin “Korn-on-the” Kolb try to generate some offense in a losing effort. Felix and Choice will continue to ram the ball down their throats as the Cowboys running game gets into full gear. Nobody wants to play the Cowboys right now. (Keep f’n that chicken)

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

I’m declaring the Dallas Cowboys officially out of it. They have now lost their eighth game, can only reach .500 if they win out, and simply don’t have the numbers working in their favor to even hope for a shot at the playoffs at 8-8 in a best case scenario. The Cowboys lost to the Saints on Thanksgiving 30-27, after they were down 17-0 after the first quarter, and 20-6 at halftime. It looked like they were ready to throw in the towel early in the game. Psycho Boy threw an interception to a defensive lineman on his first pass of the game, which is never a good sign of things to come. But they rallied in the second half, started scoring some points on offense and holding them on defense, and actually took the lead in the fourth quarter 27-23.

Enter Roy Williams. Our favorite Texas-Ex caught a third down slant route and found himself in the clear streaking down the middle of the field for a touchdown. But wait. Roy forgot how fucking slow he is, and he was easily overtaken by the defensive backs of the Saints by the time he reached the red zone. Then Roy, in his infinite wiz-dumb, forgot that he actually had a FOOTBALL in his hands, and got stripped of said football, only to find himself lying on the turf at the ten yard line with the Saints now in possession at the eleven. It was just one of Dallas’s seven fumbles on the day, but it was the only one that they lost. The Cowboys defense, obviously deflated after seeing that they had to pick up Roy’s lame ass again, promptly let Drew Brees drive down the field 89 yards in just five plays for the winning touchdown. The big play of the drive was a 55 yard Brees-to-Meachem pass play on a third and ten on which Terrence Newman got beaten like a rented mule. I mean, Meachem ran right by the guy like he was standing still. T.New looks like T.Old out there in the secondary.

Then, with time running out, and Jason Garrett calling idiotic plays, the Cowboys could get no closer than the Saints 41 yard line for a last ditch effort at a 59 yard field goal attempt by Buehler… which he missed just wide left. Game over. It would’ve been good from 50. A microcosm of the whole season in the last five minutes of the game.

News Around the NFL: Peyton Manning threw four interceptions against San Diego. I can’t help it, I toasted my Heineken to the Chargers. (stay classy, San Diego) Duane Bowe of the Chiefs is looking like the fantasy player of the year so far, with three more touchdowns last Sunday. Dez Bryant got shut out. (sorry, bro)

Brad Childress is now gone as Vikings head coach, and Leslie Frazier got his first win over Shanny’s Foreskins in Washington. Is there trouble in Redskin territory?

Da Bears beat the E-Girls like a home video from Cops. Parcells looks like a genius. (don’t crown ‘em just yet)

“Spygate” continues in Denver as Josh McDumbass carries on the Bill Beli-cheat Patriots tradition of filming other teams’ practices. (that’s illegal?)

Texans WR Andre Johnson got ejected from the game for fighting with well-known instigator, Tennessee CB Courtland Finnegan. After the game, former Aggie, head coach Gary Kubiak, gave Johnson the game ball. Now that’s what I call sending a message.

A wide open Buffalo Bills WR Stevie Johnson drops a perfectly thrown ball in the end zone that would have been the overtime winner against the Steelers. No one touched him. It hit him right between the numbers. The Bills ended up punting, and lost 19-16. After the game, Stevie blamed his dropping the ball on God. He narrowly edges out Roy Williams for the DFN of the Week Award for both the drop and the finger pointing. (At least Roy accepted the blame.) Hey Stevie, why so serious?

Next up for The Best Team In Football is the Colts, in Indianapolis. I think the Cowboys will beat the shit out of them… especially if Manning throws four picks to our defense. The Colts can’t run the ball worth a damn, so the D-line should be able to just tee off on Manning. Look for DeMarcus Ware to have another big game. This week’s Call Out goes to Mike Jenkins. Dude, where ya been? Are you gonna let that rookie, Bryan McCann show you up like this every week? C’mon man!

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – Colts 10

It’s time for an old-fashioned beat down on Archie’s boy (kill Joe), and the Cowboys are ready to serve it up. Am I the only one who wants to trade Marion Barber? The guy can’t pick up yardage until the fourth quarter. It’s time to play Felix and Choice and run it down their throats, and then bring in MB3 for the clean-up.

Go Cowboys!