… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

The Best Team In Football, your favorite and mine, the Dallas Cowboys, have now won two games in a row for the first time since kicking the shit out of the E-girls twice to end the season last year, before Wade got his ass whipped in Minnesota in the second round of the playoffs. The Cowboys summarily disposed of the Detroit Lions on Sunday 35-19, as week 2 of the new Red Ball Express kept it rollin’ at Cowboys Stadium. Jon “Psycho Boy” Kitna threw 3 touchdown passes, did not throw an interception, and actually set his own career record longest run on a fourth-and-one naked bootleg around the left end for a 29 yard touchdown. It was Jason Garrett’s best play call of the day, if not the year so far.

Rookie Bryan McCann had another game-changing play on a 97-yard punt return for a touchdown, after it had been batted back into the field of play at the goal line on an apparent (at the time) good play by the Lions. But McCann scooped it up and took off, going coast to coast for the second straight week. Not bad for a guy that Wade cut before the beginning of the year.

Now the big question in Big D is whether or not to put Tony Romo back into the lineup. The answer is NO. His injury occurred on Oct.25th, only four weeks ago. His fractured left clavicle is nowhere near healed yet, and playing him in a live action game will only set his recovery back even further. The report out of Valley Ranch is that Romo is throwing the ball in light practices now. Good. Get him back in shape, but you have to let the fracture heal. Plain and simple. This season is essentially over, unless by some miracle that the Cowboys win out, finish 9-7, and make a Wild Card Playoff spot. If that ends up being the case, great. THEN you can play Tony Romo. But if the Cowboys lose even one more game, then sit him out for the rest of the year, because risking further injury to your franchise quarterback in meaningless games is nothing less than stupid. I’m quite sure that Jason Garrett knows this. It’s just a matter of whether Jerry Jones knows it or not.

News around the NFL: It turns out that our long-time buddy (whom we didn’t draft), Randy Moss, did not get to play in 17 games this season because he was traded from Minnesota to the Flaming Thumbtacks of Tennessee just before their bye week. Then he proceeded to be a non-factor in their next two games; both of them losses. It looks as though Randy will never get that Super Bowl ring he’s after.

Brett Favre’s shortcomings can now be viewed on the internet at www.deadspin.com. This is the photo that he took of his little pal in his pants that he sent to the smokin’ hot Jenn Sterger with his phone. And Jenn said she wouldn’t tell…hmmm. From the looks of the photo, it appears that Brett was never immunized against smallcox.

The Unco-Tard of the Week Award goes to Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) She-li Womanning, for his tremendously athletic fall-and-fumble-without-being-touched move that he displayed in the E-Girls – Vagiants game on Sunday night. She-li ran for a first down, and then proceeded to flail about on the ground like a double black diamond yard sale on the mogul fields of Mary Jane, losing the ball, and consequently the game. After the Vagiants lost the challenge on the call, it was hard to tell who had just had a seizure; She-li, or head coach Tom Coughlin. Afterward, cameras showed She-li picking his nose and eating it, while Coughlin did, in fact, pop a vein.

This Thursday is the Cowboys –vs- the Saints in the traditional Thanksgiving Day game. The defending Super Bowl champs are coming in to Dallas on a 3-game winning streak, after they got trounced by that AFC powerhouse, the Cleveland (Steamer) Browns. Now that the Vagiants have lost two in a row, everybody is jumping back onto the Saints bandwagon, as well as the ATL Dirty Birds and the darling little E-girls. The Cowboys will beat them just like they did last December. The Aints will need to wear red jerseys to hide their wounds, and brown pants to hide their fear.

Prediction: Cowboys 34 – Aints 24

This game will depend on running the ball well against the New Orleans defense, and getting in Drew Brees’s face to force him into bad throws. Look for Dez to have another huge game, while Miles Austin quietly scores two more touchdowns. DeMarcus Ware, where are you, dude? We miss you. How about getting a few sacks for the defense? This will be a great coaching match up with two former Cowboys assistants going head to head. Garrett needs to beat Sean Payton. Hell, Wade did! (keep f’n that chicken)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Go Cowboys!

p.s. Mooch and Skeeter will be enjoying their traditional Thanksgiving feast of fried swamp rat, gator entrails, and pinewood moonshine in the backwoods of Georgia. This year they’ve invited their buddy, Pooter, to join them. Pooter’s from LA… that’s Lower Alabama.

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Cowboys Nation,

The new Jason Garrett Era began last Monday with the release of then head coach Wade Phillips. Instantly, the Cowboys became a better team with the institution of some much needed discipline; a reflection of the new attitude that the new head coach is bringing to this team. Practices were more disciplined, and now there’s a new dress code for travel that reflects the new professionalism of the team. It produced results. The Red Ball Express rolled on to victory over the tremendously overrated (13 point favorites) New Jersey Vagiants on Sunday 33-20 in the New Swamplands Stadium. As my buddy, Jeff, said so succinctly after the game, “About fucking time.” I couldn’t have said it better myself, and I couldn’t agree more.

The Cowboys finally played a game in which they actually LOOKED like the Dallas Cowboys. They dominated the midgets in every phase of the game. Bryan McCann picked off a She-li Womanning pass one yard deep in the end zone and returned it 101 yards the other way for a touchdown. AND, he didn’t dance around like a Kansas City faggot after the score! Something’s working here! Toward the end of the game, when the outcome was all but decided, a dejected She-li gave us one of the stupidest looks on the sidelines we’ve seen all season. The dumbfounded looks afforded us all through the first half of the season by Wade Phillips are only rivaled by the mule-like vacancy shown on She-li’s face as the realization set in that his Vagiants team really isn’t as good as they thought they were. It wasn’t so much that I was happy about it; it was more of a sense of satisfaction. Like justice had been served.

Jon “Psycho Boy” Kitna looks like he’s shaken off the rust that had accumulated during his bench time. Dez Bryant has taken over the receiving corps as the go-to target, making big play after big play. If the Cowboys keep winning, then Dez Bryant will be the Offensive Rookie of the Year. On the third play from scrimmage after the second half kickoff, Felix Jones caught a screen pass and took it 71 yards for a touchdown. Then the lights went out in the stadium, in an obvious attempt by the home team to break the momentum of the Best Team In Football. All it really did was put 80,000 people in total darkness, and give She-li a chance to give his personal ass-istant, the former captain of the Gay Swim Team at Ole Miss, Hans Onnaman, a hand job on the sidelines. It was like old times, when they used to “bump into each other” in the college locker room after practice. It was the one bright spot in She-li’s otherwise dark day, as the Cowboys turned the lights out on New Jersey. She-li and Hans Onnaman left together after the game, sullen, and went back to She-li’s place to listen to his Vicki Lawrence records… and blow each other.

Let’s get clear on one very important point. Wade had no control over this team, and his do-nothing style of management was exemplified every Sunday on the field. With Wade now gone, Garrett has the ability to take control of this team and put his own management style in place. The idea that Garrett was “sand bagging” the offense to take the head coaching job away from Phillips is beyond ridiculous. Wade’s time in Dallas was ticking away. Thank God the alarm went off and Jerry woke up. Jason Garrett has the golden opportunity to take over this team, mold it in his own image, and put a stamp on the NFC East that hasn’t been seen since Jimmy Johnson left after Super Bowl XXVIII. (We all know that Barry “That’s Not My Gun” Switzer won Super Bowl XXX with Jimmy’s team.)

Next up for the Cowboys is the Detroit Lions, who, at 2-7, have an identical record to our Cowboys, but are in a completely different place. Although they, too, have their starting QB out with an injury, the rest of the pieces of their puzzle are too scattered to create a recognizable picture right now. If the Cowboys are buying in to what Jason Garrett is selling, then this will be a two-for-two start to Garrett’s head coaching career. It’s going to be a good day at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington this Sunday. One in which even the drunk chicks in the stands will watch the game instead of giving their boyfriends a lap dance during the third quarter. (Which is too bad for the other fans in their section, of course.)

Prediction: Dallas Cowboys 38 – Motor City Kitties 10

The offensive line must block Ndamukong Suh, and the DB’s have to cover Calvin Johnson. That’s about all there is to do to beat Detroit. Go Felix! Go Dez! Kill Joe!

Jason Garrett, this is your dream job. Don’t fuck it up.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Well, the sun came up on Monday morning, even after the Cowboys got their asses shellacked by Green Bay the night before, 45-7. The Dallas Cowboys aren’t just America’s team, they’re God’s team. And apparently God was so pissed off about the game that He made the sun come up an hour earlier than usual. So God got on the horn and told Jerry Jones to get off his rear end and show Wade the door. Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips was fired on Monday, making way for the new Red Ball Era of Jason Garrett, the Cowboys new interim head coach; which all means that there is, in fact, a new sheriff in town. This isn’t a move to try and salvage an already lost season. This is simply an 8-game job interview for Garrett. The only way he does worse than Phillips is to lose all eight remaining games. Jerry is making an attempt to virtually change the culture of losing that has crept into the psyche of this team. We’re like Buffalo now; not even as good as the Raiders. This is going to be interesting.

Wade issued a prepared statement about how much he loved it in Dallas during his tenure there, but could not be reached for an interview because he was reported to be seen in the corner of the locker room, drooling, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, chanting, “X’s and O’s, X’s and O’s”. Wade’s daddy, Bum Phillips, who was contacted regarding Wade’s condition, had little to comment on other than, “Well, we used to shake him a lot when he was little.”

This season has been a disaster, and the reasons for the collapse of this team appear to be all mental. It’s difficult to tell if the players simply aren’t that good, or if they are just not being positioned well enough to actually make a play out there. Someone needs to tell DeMarcus Ware that he’s never going to get to the quarterback by running ten yards into the backfield when the QB has stepped up in the pocket. He effectively takes himself out of every play. That’s coaching. The receivers need to look the ball into their hands to avoid the easy tipped-ball interceptions that seem to be running rampant this year. Psycho Boy actually was throwing the ball decently, not great, when he got the chance to throw it. The offensive line (and I mean offensive) has been terrible. The best player on the O-line has been Doug Free, who every one was worried would be the weakest link in the chain. The running game ranks at the bottom of the league right now. That’s the first area of concern on offense. Garrett must make some adjustments to his own offense, while Paul Pasqualoni needs to overhaul the entire defensive scheme. The Cowboys have become the most predictable team in the league; on both sides of the ball. We’re not fooling anyone out there. The blitzes are never disguised. The coverage is always obvious. Maybe some of these fundamentals will change now that the vacant mouth-breather has been fired. I mean, really. Have you ever seen a dumber look on a head coach’s face than Wade’s on the sidelines?

The only way that Dallas gets Bill Cowher to be the new head coach next season is for Jerry Jones to step down as General Manager. That would be a huge admission of defeat for Jones, and an immensely self-inflicted ego-deflating move that will never happen. His ego is like the banking system… it’s too big to fail. This far into it, Jon “Grumpy Face” Gruden (aka Chucky) looks to be the odds on favorite to take over the head coaching job next year. If that happens, then it’s probably sayonara sister to Garrett, too. I wouldn’t mind if Gruden gets the job. I’ll herniate my cerebellar tonsils if Jerry hires John Fox! That would be bringing Carolina’s losing culture to Dallas, and would constitute idiocy. I’d actually like to see Jerry hire Gruden to be the head coach and offensive coordinator, and hire Brian Billick to be the new defensive coordinator. It would be a high-priced coaching staff, but you’d also have two Super Bowl winning coaches on your sideline running both sides of the ball. The two big questions would be: a) can Jerry put that thought into his head, and b) could those two strong-minded coaches get along with each other without letting their egos get in the way? Either way, Jerry needs to step down as GM, or else this team will never win it all again. The second coming of Jimmy Johnson and the Herschel Walker trade is fantasy at best.

Next up for the Cowboys is the New Jersey Vagiants in the New Swamplands Stadium. They just whipped up on the Seahawks in Seattle last Sunday. After the game, She-li Womanning was the first one on the plane back to the east coast because he had gotten his shit packed the night before.

Prediction: Cowboys 72 – New Jersey 0

The new Red Ball Express Offense gets unleashed on an over-confident Vagiants team looking to sweep the Cowboys this season. The Cowboys defense finally wakes up out of their coma and decides that stopping the other team on third down might just be a good thing for a change. Jay Ratliff inaugurates the new She-li Womanning Memorial Hashmark on the 12 yard line as Gerald Sensabaugh scoops up the fumble and scores easily, while Tom Coughlin pops a vein and shits himself on the sideline.

Only then will the world be right again.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy Era is over. Let’s play some football.

GO COWBOYS!

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Cowboys Nation,

So if you’ve been following along, by now you have come to the painful realization that the Dallas Cowboys, love them as much as we do, kinda suck this year. Let me count the ways.

The vacant mouth-breather on the sidelines, head coach Wade Phillips, is about as useless to this team as a California Twitter fag. And while we’re at it, why are the players always asking everyone to ‘follow me on Twitter’, instead of ‘follow me into the fucking end zone!’? The coaches can’t coach, and the players can’t play. Hey Bill Cowher, who are you gonna draft for Dallas next April?

The Cowboys lost another one last Sunday, this time to the All-World Jaguars. The defense can’t stop the run or the pass. The offense can’t run the ball worth a shit either. Oh, and let’s not forget how awesome our receivers are at dropping passes into defenders arms, resulting in three of the four interceptions that Jon “Psycho Boy” Kitna threw. The Cowboys allowed Jags QB David Garrard to throw for a career-high four touchdown passes, and run for another one as well. Dallas cornerback Mike Jenkins made Jags WR Mike Sims-Walker (yeah I know, who the fuck is that?) look All-Pro with a career-high in receiving yards. Terrence Newman looked like a wounded animal about to be rundown for dinner out there. The Cowboys linebackers can’t cover any one; and neither can Alan Ball for that matter. On Special Teams, Owusu-Ansah falls down as soon as he’s touched on kickoff returns. Apparently, all you have to do to tackle this little Division II pussy is to breathe on him. DE Igor Olshansky, whom I haven’t even heard called by name by a TV announcer this season because he hasn’t made a play yet, is wholly ineffective out there. The Cowboys’ best defensive player, DeMarcus Ware, has been figured out by opposing teams: just run the ball to the outside of him around the offensive left side. He’s obviously too focused on trying to kill the QB, so they just run right by him. Great coaching, Wade! I’ll say it again; why does this team fall apart when the QB gets injured? Tony Romo doesn’t play defense! Jerry needs to revamp the entire defense, and it needs to start with the coaching staff.

Jerry Jones doesn’t just need a new defensive coordinator, or a new head coach, he needs a Life Coach. Then maybe he can win a Bronze Medal in the Special Olympics… and leave football to the experts.

The Cowboys have also released LB Jason Williams, and S Mike Hamlin, which is just further indictment of how poorly this team evaluates talent and makes draft picks. Either that, or it’s an indication of how poorly these young players have been coached. Is anyone seeing a trend here? We should have traded Spears and Olshansky and a second rounder to Detroit for the 2nd overall pick, and drafted Ndamukong Suh. Then Wade could pull his head out of his ass and line up Ware and Spencer at the two defensive ends, and put Ratliff and Suh on the interior line at defensive tackle. Try to run or pass against that! Then put your fastest linebackers on the field to make plays (like Butler), instead of old and slow Brooking and James. But Wade’s too busy eating doughnuts to notice that his defense sucks.

NFL News. Randy Moss got cut for being a pain in the ass in Minnesota, and was picked up by Tennessee. Shawn Merriman got cut by the San Diego Chargers for being a washed-up steroid boy who can’t play anymore, and got claimed off of waivers by the Buffalo Bills. That’s the NFL equivalent of getting transferred to Siberia.

Next up for the Cowboys is the Green Bay Fudge Packers. Everybody just loves the Packers, and Dallas is gonna get killed at Lambeau Field this Sunday if things don’t change in a hurry.

Prediction: Cowboys continue their display of anemic offense in the red zone, turn the ball over frequently, and lose an otherwise entirely winnable game against another clearly inferior team. (I’m just sayin’…)

Fire the Fat Boy!
Go Cowboys!