… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

The Dallas Cowboys are now 1-5, which coincidentally is the same as the turnover margin in last night’s game against the New Jersey Vagiants. She-li Womanning threw three interceptions, and the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum running back duo of Bradshaw and Jacobs each gave up a fumble; and the Cowboys still lost. After rookie Chris Gronkowski missed his blitz pick-up blocking assignment that gave linebacker Pus-face Boley a free shot on Tony Romo, which resulted in Romo’s fractured left clavicle mid-way through the second quarter, the Cowboys could not even pick up a first down until the fourth quarter. By then, the game was all but over. Tony will likely be out a minimum of 6-8 weeks, which means he won’t return to action until mid-December at the earliest. And with Psycho-boy now as the starting QB, this season is officially over.

This is evidence of how important Tony Romo is to this team. He’s their MVP. The only problem I have with the whole situation is that Tony Romo doesn’t play defense. But looking at the game last night, you’d think he was the missing integral part of the defense. Nobody stepped up to stop the Vagiants offense all night, as they continued to just pile up yards and points. Nobody showed any leadership, especially Wade “Pillsbury Dough Boy” Phillips. With Romo out, we expect the offense to sputter. The defense on the other hand, should have taken it upon themselves to Cowboy up and whip some yankee ass. Jerry should fire his defensive coordinator. Oh wait. That’s the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

The Cowboys wasted five New Jersey turnovers, and a 93 yard punt return for a touchdown by Dez Bryant, by giving up 41 points to an overrated team they made look like it was full of All-Pros. The Cowboys need more than just a new defensive coordinator. They need a new sheriff in town.

Two words: Bill Cowher.

After the game last night, She-li couldn’t wait to celebrate with his teammates back at the New Jersey safe house at their traditional post-victory all-boy hot tub gala event. Actually, he just couldn’t wait to get his Hans Onnaman. Then he ate a big, juicy turd sandwich.

Next up for the Best Team In Football is the Jacksonville Jaguars on Halloween. The Jags are a team searching for an identity after beating Denver and Indy, but losing to the Chargers and Titans. The Cowboys need to block Jacksonville’s pass rush, and open up some holes for Felix to run through in order to win. Actually, it looks like the new formula to beat the Cowboys is to give up a long punt return for a touchdown to Dez Bryant. Every time he does that, Dallas loses. Jon “Psycho Boy” Kitna needs to learn this offense, and, while he’s at it, learn how to throw a catchable pass. But, in reality, who fuckin’ cares anymore?

Prediction: Cowboys 17 – Jags 14
Dallas finally gets their first home win of the season in a contest of ineptitude.

The DFN of the Week Award goes to Chris Gronkowski for letting his QB get killed. Way to go, Rookie. Way to go, Wade, for putting your rookie fullback in that position. Shouldn’t someone have coached Gronkowski on how to pick up a blitzing linebacker? Just wondering.

So it’s bye-bye season… and then buh-bye to Wade.
(Losing may be a blessing in disguise)

Go Cowboys!
Kill Joe!
Keep the faith.

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Hey Sports Fans,

I forgot to give the all-too-obvious answer to last week’s trivia question. It’s Randy Moss, who played for the Patriots during Minnesota’s bye week, and then played for Minnesota during New England’s bye week, giving him the potential to play in 17 games this year. He was essentially a non-factor in the Vikings win over the Cowboys last Sunday, but that doesn’t ease the pain of losing to yet another team that we should have beaten.

By all rights, the Cowboys should be 5-0, but they keep falling on their keys while reading about how great and talented they are. With all of the penalties and mental errors, poor coaching, and an owner that believes he knows everything, the Cowboys have effectively turned into the Raiders. It’s sad… and painful to watch.

The hot topic this week in the NFL is the violent hits that have been delivered by defenders on, for the most part, wide receivers. Der Fuhrer saw fit to hand down stiff fines to the offending players, regardless of whether they were penalized for the hit or not. The Cowboys, amazingly enough, have thus far escaped any such sanctions. Now the Commissioner, in his infinite wisdom (ie. he heard Rodney Harrison say it on NBC), has decided to start handing down suspensions instead of, or possibly in addition to, hefty fines. I’m placing my bet on a Dallas player to be the first to receive such a suspension; first offense or not. I guess I’ll be ok with that as long as the hitter is a Cowboy, and the hittee is She-li Womanning.

It’s going to be fun beating the New Jersey Giant-Egos on Monday night.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Our worst fears are being realized. The Cowboys keep beating themselves with stupid plays that result in stupid penalties and stupid turnovers, reflecting the image of their stupid head coach.

The Cowboys never got the opportunity to win the game against the Vikings last Sunday with a field goal from David Buehler as I had predicted, because they were too busy being stupid to get the ball back with enough time to win it. They were flagged for 11 penalties for 91 yards, but it was so much worse than that. Sam Hurd was flagged for an excessive celebration penalty after the first Cowboys touchdown by Roy Williams for flashing the University of Texas “Hook ‘em Horns” sign alongside Williams in the end zone. The penalty was NOT called on Miles Austin’s incredibly athletic leap frog move over the 6’4” Williams’s head (he’s gotta be at least 6’6” with his helmet on) like the media pointed to. I mean, Hurd didn’t even go to UT! What the fuck is he doing flashing the “Hook ‘em Horns” for? And why hasn’t Wade made this a point of emphasis to prevent this from happening in the first place? Oh. That’s right. Because he’s a dumbass!

So they march off the 15 yards on the ensuing kickoff, that Buehler promptly shanks out of bounds, which puts the ball at the Cowboys 45 yard line (30 yards from the point of the kickoff) effectively adding up to 35 yards of penalties that aren’t even included in the 11 for 91 official tally. The defense did their part by forcing a three-and –out, but the Vikings were then able to pin Dallas deep in their own territory, where Tony then threw his first interception of the day, bouncing a pass off a D-lineman’s helmet. A couple of plays later, it’s tied 7-7. I think Sam Hurd deserves the DFN of the Week Award for this one. He’s not a frickin’ Longhorn!

The refs also called a phantom holding call on Alan Ball during the Dez Bryant 34 yard punt return, essentially making it a 44 yard penalty that doesn’t show up in the box score. Three more pass interference penalties also helped to lose this game. Two on Mike Jenkins (both of which could have been called either way) and one on Miles Austin for offensive PI, nullifying a 68 yard touchdown reception. Apparently, the Vikings DB had to change his tampon in the middle of the play, and when Austin touched him as he made his cut to the inside, Tampon-boy fell down. Well, that’s obviously a penalty, right? That one catch would have made Austin the game’s leading receiver…for both teams. So the Cowboys end up back at their own 22 instead of having a touchdown, and promptly punt. So many irritating miscues. Now whenever the Cowboys make a big play, on either offense or defense, all I can do is start looking for the penalty flags to nullify it. The Cowboys are now tied with the Lions for the most penalties, at 9.8 per game. It’s like watching George Lopez; it’s just not funny anymore.

Two key moves need to be made by Jerry Jones; both of which will never happen because his ego will get in the way. First, trade Mike Jenkins and a second round draft pick to the Raiders for Nnamdi Asomugha. Second, get rid of Wade, and hire Bill Cowher to be the next head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Jenkins is a marked man in the eyes of the refs. If he’s anywhere close to the receiver, he’ll get flagged for PI for the rest of the season. Cowher for Phillips is just too obvious. Jerry’s problem (one of them at least) is that he doesn’t appear to have a back-up plan.

Next up for the Cowboys is a Monday night game against the New Jersey Midgets. After their convincing victory over the powerhouse Detroit Lions last Sunday, She-li Manning enjoyed his all-boy after party with the team at the New Jersey safe house. Hot-tubbing with the guys just never gets old, does it? She-li was seen accompanied by his new “personal assistant” and masseur, Hans Onnaman, whom Manning describes as his new “Nordic God”. It’s nice to see such a great quarterback enjoying himself outside of football… with hot oil and semen up his ass.

Prediction: Cowboys continue to fuck things up and beat themselves.

(Isn’t that called masturbation?)

We can all start to look for a top five draft pick. J

Go Cowboys!

p.s. I wrote the Nnamdi Asomugha trade idea before the trade deadline on Tuesday, which has now passed. Jerry, as expected, did nothing

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Cowboys Nation,

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

This 2010 version of our favorite football team reminds me of that dog. You love him. You care for him. You feed him Scooby snacks. But he can’t do any tricks, and he ain’t fetchin’ the newspaper. The Cowboys have all the talent in the world, but they keep beating themselves. I guess that makes them the best team in the league, because they can go out there and beat TWO teams at the same time; their opponent and themselves.

It’s like working your ass off for your entire life, become extremely wealthy, retire, and drop dead. You never want to be the richest guy in the cemetery. The Cowboys are rich in talent, and they’re burying themselves every Sunday. If they don’t start winning soon, then it’s R.I.P. 2010 Dallas Cowboys.

The Cowboys came back on Sunday after their bye week and promptly let an inferior team have their way with them. The Titans discovered a new formula for beating the Cowboys: throw it deep, get the pass interference penalty call way down field, and instantly get into scoring position. It works every time. Also, rush Tony Romo every third down of greater than four yards, because it will either result in a sack or an offensive holding call.

What does all this mean? Simple. Undisciplined play. The Cowboys are proving to be one of the most undisciplined teams in the league, and at some point you have to start looking at the head coach as the cause of the problem. There’s not one big glaring problem that needs to be corrected. It’s a penalty here, a missed assignment there, a tipped ball for an interception that’s not really anyone’s fault. It’s all the little things (like Wade’s dick).

Jason Witten has now passed Kellen Winslow for 4th place on the all-time TE receptions list. Felix Jones had his first 100 yard rushing day in the NFL, going 109 yards on 15 carries, for a 7.2 yards/carry average. Miles Austin had 9 receptions for 166 yards and a touchdown. Tony threw for a career best 406 yards, completing 31 of 46 passes, and 3 touchdowns. The Cowboys had 511 total yards to the Titans’ 321. Those are numbers that should win you some games.

But 3 interceptions, 6 sacks, and 12 penalties for 133 yards killed them. They are now 1-3, in last place in the NFC East. They’re the richest guy in the cemetery.

At least our quarterback doesn’t have the off-the-field problems like our next opponent’s QB, Brett Favre. Apparently the Vikings future Hall of Famer liked to send naughty pictures of “little Brett” from his cell phone to Jenn Sterger, the former Florida St. coed who was voted the Nation’s Hottest Sports fan, when she and Favre both worked for the Jets two years ago. Funny how Brett’s “sexting” just became an issue right before the Vikings played the Jets on Monday night football this week, causing a tear-filled emotional address by Favre to his team in the locker room the day before the game. So now Brett is in hot water with an NFL investigation looming over his head.

First of all, this girl is smokin’ hot, and could easily scramble a few brains out there to be tempted to do the wrong thing. Second, she kinda looks like Brett’s wife’s 23 year old little sister (if she had one), which probably makes Deanna Favre even more pissed off than she would have been anyway. And third, hey, he’s Brett Favre. I’ll become a Redskins fan before der Fuhrer ever takes any disciplinary action against the Mississippi Golden Boy! He probably won’t even get his wrist slapped, much less a suspension from Goodell.

Trivia Question: Who is the only NFL player who will play in 17 regular season games this year?

(Answer next week)

Prediction: Cowboys 23 – Vikings 21

It’s going to be a close one up in the Metro-dump. The Cowboys are going to have to minimize the mistakes in order to not get their ass kicked like they did in the playoffs at the end of the 2009 season. I think Buehler will have to win this one on a last second field goal. They can’t let Tony Romo get sacked all day, and they can’t commit so many damned stupid penalties. They need to kill Joe, or else it’s 1-4, and we’re looking at April’s Draft. It’s a losing season; it doesn’t matter what you call it. Kinda like that dog with no legs.

Someone needs to tell Ernie Anastos that it’s hard to keep fuckin’ that chicken, when you haven’t even started fuckin’ that chicken yet.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Well let’s just say that it’s a good thing that I don’t make predictions or bet on pro football for a living. I went 2-3 on my picks last week. I could have made it really easy and picked Indy over the Jags, and Cincy over the Browns, but I wanted to keep it interesting. What? The Colts and the Bengals both lost? To THOSE teams? You’re kidding! I guess it just goes to show that in this game, and especially this season, anything can happen. I’m sticking with my Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl.

The Cowboys are sitting at 1-2, while the rest of the NFC East all sit at 2-2, after the Giants beat the Bears, and the Foreskins beat the E-girls. (How come the Bears suck so bad when they play NY and not Dallas?) In the process of getting their ass whooped, E-girls QB, Michael “Bulldog” Vick got “pounded” by two defenders as he lunged for the goal line, injuring his rib cage. According to reports, he has torn cartilage in his chest. Ouch. That’s RF painful, and takes a really long time to heal. Good thing we didn’t crown him just yet. Now the E-girls are looking to add Jeff “Garlic boy” Garcia back onto the team as soon as his minor league football contract expires next month. For now, the job is back in the questionably-capable hands of Kevin “Corn-on-the” Kolb.

Next up for The Best Team In Football is the Tennessee Flaming Thumb Tacks this Sunday. I find it interesting that the Cowboys play TENnessee on 10-10-10. The Titans have a great running game, very little to speak of in the passing game, and not much defense so far this season. (The Broncos beat them). RB Chris Johnson may be the best in the league, and former Texas Longhorn Vince Young is the best running QB in the league. He also has former Longhorn Bo Scaife as his TE and favorite target to throw to. They’ve played together for their entire college and pro careers so far, so the Cowboys need to know where Scaife is on third downs. The Titans just lost one of their DE’s, Derrick Morgan, for the year with a torn ACL, which is debilitating an already porous defense. They also have PR problems with Defensive coach Chuck Cecil being fined $40,000 for his one-fingered salute to the refs during last week’s game against Denver. It didn’t matter that he was cussing up a storm at them on the sideline. I guess the Commissioner is deaf, not blind. I think the Cowboys will win by, you guessed it, TEN points.

NFL News: Patriots WR Randy Moss will be traded to the Vikings for a third round draft pick this week. This looks like a win-win trade. The Pats don’t want him whining all year about getting paid, and the Vikings desperately need a WR that can stretch the field since Sidney Rice is out with an injured hip. Great. He’ll be there just in time to play the Cowboys.

Prediction: Cowboys 30 – Titans 20

The Cowboys need to continue to take care of business, establish the running game, protect Tony, and distribute the ball to their playmakers. They also need to contain Chris Johnson. (Kill Joe)

Queso’s at my house.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Finally! This is what we’ve been waiting for – a complete game on both sides of the ball, resulting in a win. The Cowboys took care of business on Sunday and summarily disposed of their in-state rivals the Houston Texans, beating them soundly 27-13. They did not allow the number one ranked Texans offense to score a touchdown until garbage time late in the fourth quarter. It was great seeing their QB, Matt Schaub, frustrated, just like Joe used to be in the 80’s. (Kill Joe)

Tony Romo had another great performance, completing 23 of 30 passes for 284 yards and 2 TD’s. More importantly though, he did not throw any interceptions. In fact, the Cowboys did not turn the ball over at all on Sunday, and they forced 3 turnovers by the Texans, (2 int’s and 1 fumble recovery). Roy Williams actually showed up and played a good game, making 5 receptions for 117 yards and 2 TD’s… with no dropped passes (yea!). DeMarcus Ware was his usual beastly self, making 3 sacks, 3 QB pressures, 8 tackles, including 2 tackles for loss, earning him NFC Defensive Player of the Week.

Of course it all happened that way because I changed the mojo for game day at my house. It was the first day this season that Shana wore her Cowboys T-shirt for the game, and it was the first time this season that I made chile con queso. Everybody knows the Cowboys can’t win unless I make QUESO!

This Sunday is the Bye week for the Cowboys, or as the wives out there call it, “Honey-do Sunday”. Good or bad, it’s week 4 this year and the team just has to deal with it. Good, in that some players need to nurse injuries, like Kyle Kosier and Jason Witten, both with sprained knees. Bad, in that they finally got a win and might like to build on that momentum. The players get a three day weekend, but the coaches need to work hard to get this team prepared to play Oct. 10th. Jerry Jones said that he wants his team to pretend that they are 0-3, prepare like they’re winless so far, and come out next week fired up to play. (I think they should “pretend” that they are a good football team and come out and play like they are one.) How about, Duh! That’s got to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard Jerry Jones say… and that’s volumes of stupidity that I had to comb through.

News around the NFL: As we see every year, the little darlings of the NFL so far this season are the Philadelphia E-girls, where convicted felon Michael Vick is leading his team to a 2-1 start to lead the NFC East. They’re already calling for Vick to be league MVP after only three games. He’s one of only three QB’s to have not thrown an interception so far this season. As Bill Parcells says, “Don’t crown ‘em just yet.” This Sunday, the E-girls play Donna McFlabb and the Washington Foreskins in Philly. The media love this match-up, with the return of McNadds to Philadelphia. It’s going to be a real dogfight out there. I really don’t give a shit.

Play of the Week last Sunday goes to She-li Manning for his inexplicable left-handed unco-tard throw into the end zone for an interception. It was a thing of beauty. It’s just too bad that it didn’t result in She-li getting more stitches.

Rookie Dez Bryant took the Cowboys Offense out to dinner Monday night at Pappas Steakhouse. The only problem with that was that Roy Williams invited the Defense to come along too, and they ran up a tab of just over $54,000. Hey Dez, just pick up the man’s pads next time! It’s cheaper than a dinner tab…or pride.

Jets CB Darrelle Revis missed last Sunday night’s game against the Dolphins with a hamstring injury. Geez, I’m tired of being right.

Predictions: Baltimore over Pittsburgh

Chicago over NY Giants

New England over Miami

Tennessee over Denver

Seattle over St. Louis

Go Cowboys!