… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

Eli Manning is a Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) The New York Giants quarterback is introducing a new line of sports action-figure toys called Football Action Guys (F.A.G.s) designed to bring the youth of America the thrill and excitement of being a real Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) just like Eli Manning. They’re flexible, and can be bent into multiple positions, simulating real plays, real action, real contact; the kind that real Football Action Guys (F.A.G.s) like Eli Manning crave.

Manning said in a prepared statement, “I wanted to have something that kids can touch. They’re all busy playing video games these days, and this allows them to get the feel of real contact. I’m a Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) and I want them to be Football Action Guys (F.A.G.s) with me! You see, being a quarterback, I don’t get to tackle anyone on the field. All of my contact with the guys is in the locker room. Being a Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) allows everyone to have the same fun.”

There are players from many NFL teams included in Eli’s Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) Collection, but most of them are from the Giants. There’s Brandon Jacobs, he’s definitely a Football Action Guy (F.A.G.), and Justin Tuck (F.A.G.) from those lovable Giants. New Washington Redskin, Donovan McNabb, is also a Football Action Guy (F.A.G.), and so is his former teammate with the Eagles, WR DeSean Jackson (F.A.G.). And don’t look now, but there’s even a Football Action Guy Terrell Owens (F.A.G.), they just don’t know which uniform to put him in because they’re not sure which team he plays for.

Cowboys QB Tony Romo is not part of the collection. When asked why a Pro Bowl quarterback as popular as Romo was not included, Manning stated, “He’s not a real Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) like the rest of us… if ya know what I mean,” he added with a wink and a smile. An attempt was made to contact Jerry Jones for comment, but he could not be reached. Instead, his personal assistants, Anita Goodlay and Amanda Likket issued this statement: “It’s obvious to the Dallas Cowboys organization that Mr. Manning has established personal relationships with every player on his Football Action Guy (F.A.G.) list, none of whom are Dallas Cowboys players.”

Thank God.

Eli can invite all his friends to join in his little reindeer games. He is, as the commercial says, unstoppable.

Then again, maybe he’s just a fag.

Go Cowboys!