… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Dear Cowboys Nation… and those of you just tagging along for the ride,

The Best Team In Football is now out of the playoffs. It was a good run, but the Cowboys came up short in Minnesota and are now in “we’ll get ‘em next year” mode.

Actually, we’re still waiting for the Cowboys to get off the bus and get suited up to play the Vikings, because they never showed up at the game. I kind of hate to say this, but if you recall the Cowboys Update from training camp dated July 30, 2009, I said in my predictions, “ We finish 11 – 5, win one playoff game, celebrate, then get annihilated the next game. At least we get to beat the Raiders on Thanksgiving this year.” Sorry about that. It’s kinda scary when I’m that right.

In multiple trips inside Vikings territory in the first half, the Cowboys came away with 3 points. That fueled the frustration for the Cowboys, and created the momentum for the Vikings, and the game was essentially over before halftime. Flozell Adams apparently retired two years ago but forgot to tell anyone. The offensive line (and I mean offensive ) gave up six sacks, leaving Tony Romo dazed and confused for so long it’s not true. Just like last year’s season-ending performance against the E-girls, losing 44-6 and getting knocked out of the playoff picture, this season-ending drubbing by the Vikings should fuel the fire in the bellies of Cowboys Nation to right the wrong committed in Minnesota Sunday afternoon with next year’s scheduled game against these same foes.

Jared Allen, Vikings DE, celebrated the victory over the Cowboys by going home and fucking his favorite sheep; the one he calls She-Ra Warrior Princess, because she’s so strong, and yet so beautiful. Brett Favre was giddy with excitement after the game; not because they won, but because his battery-operated Sphincto-Glide butt plug (by Ronco) finally allowed him to take the big dump at halftime that he’d been waiting for over a week to pass…kinda like a football. Brad Childress, Vikings head coach, found out (again) that even though his team is winning playoff games, the only thing he can get a woman to press against him is charges.

The Jets were the only road team to win this weekend, making San Diego the only team with a first round bye “one and done”. Having just watched the Cowboy game, I was in no mood to celebrate, but it was fun to watch that whiny-ass punk Phillip Rivers lose. He’s the type of guy you just want to punch in the face… much like our old friend Jim Rivers. I wonder if they’re related.

I hope the Jets can keep it up and beat Indy on Sunday. The last thing I think I could possibly stand to see is a Peyton Manning – Brett Favre Super Bowl. Oh what a field day the press would have showering these two guys with Hall-of-Fame adulation for two weeks. This week, Joe is Manning and Favre. Kill Joe! Go Jets! Go Saints!

Depending on the circumstances/ news/ NFL highlights and lowlights, the Updates will be sporadic and more monthly than weekly until training camp in July. But, as always, keep fuckin’ that chicken, and…

GO COWBOYS!!!

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Cowboys Nation,

The drought is over. Let it rain.

The last time the Cowboys won a playoff game, Annabel was two days old. We just celebrated her 13th birthday three weeks ago. It’s time to win some more.

Now that we have summarily dismissed and disposed of everyone’s little darlings, the E-girls, let’s get on with the real games. Why did the media insist that Philly was the favorite? Chris “Blowhard” Berman still can’t get over the fact that Dallas is better than the Iggles. Mike “I never played the game ‘cause I’m a skinny little Jewboy” Greenberg and his buddy, Mike Golic-yourself, both picked Philly, too. Even Keyshawn “Just throw me the Damn Ball” Johnson, a former Cowboy, picked Philly. Sad isn’t it? When the so-called “experts” don’t even see greatness when it slaps ‘em in the face?

Dallas dominated the E-girls in every phase of the game…again. Tony Romo went 23 of 34 for 244 yards and 2 TDs, and 0 ints, and significantly out-played Donna McFlabb (who is now rumored to be possibly heading to Denver). Felix Jones rushed for 148 yards on 16 carries, including a 73 yard TD run – the longest in Cowboys Playoff history. Dallas out-gained Philly 428 total yards to 340, and totaled 27 first downs to the Iggles 17 (all of which were by pass or penalty, none rushing). The Cowboys dominated the time of possession also, 39:34 to 20:26. The only big mistake was when Mike Jenkins, after intercepting a McFlabb pass, tried to lateral the ball and fumbled it back to the E-girls. Stupid.

De Marcus Ware had 2 sacks. And our favorite Number One Draft Pick Special Teams player Barbie Carpenter had 2 fumble recoveries!

E-girls WR DeSean Jackson had spent his time preparing for the game by Twittering about how he and his teammates were “gonna sting they asses” with big plays in the Playoff re-match. Suggestion: DeSean Jackson needs to DeShut Up, son!

This Sunday the Cowboys travel to Minnesota to play Brett Favre and his Vikings. They’ve had a really good season so far, going 12-4, but have limped into the Playoffs losing 3 of their last 5 games. They finished strong against She-li Manning and his merry band of Gay-ants, who had already packed their bags for the off-season, so it’s difficult to tell just how good the Vikings really are at this point of the year. Of the remaining Playoff teams, the Vikes are the “least favored” favorite, in that all the other home teams are at least 6.5 point favorites to win, and Minnesota is only favored over Dallas by 2. Good. I’m glad we’re the underdog. The Cowboys need to pass protect for Tony big time in this game; and they need to get after Favre in a big way. Stopping Adrian Peterson is a top priority for the defense, but they can’t let Favre beat them like a rented mule all day either. We have to run the ball well, and eliminate all the stupid penalties. This will be a tough game, in a tough place to play, but the Cowboys will win it. It’s time to take care of business, and Kill Joe!

The Cardinals held off the Packers in the No-Defense Bowl, and now are headed to New Orleans to play the Saints. That was the only first round playoff game I missed on. I knew the Ravens would beat the Boy Scout in New England. The Jets proved me right against Cincinnati. Now let’s see what those two teams heavily weighted on their running game and defense can do against the two high-powered offensive teams of the Colts and Chargers, respectively. RB, I’m pullin’ for your Jets, but they’re gonna have to play mistake-free to beat San Diego… who is beatable BTW. The last thing you want with an 11-game winning streak is a week off. Keep f’n that chicken.

Prediction: Cowboys 33 – Minnesota 24

I’m giving a lot of offensive credit to an aging Favre, but I honestly think the Cowboys defense can hold them to 17 or under. The only way they reach 24 points is off of defense and special teams. Tony will light up their secondary.

We need this one.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Did anyone have any doubt who the NFC East Champions would be this season? Oh, yes. I’m sure there are some of those lonely few Cowboy-Haters out there in their own little fantasy land that thought some other team would take the East, but that bubble has now been burst. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and thank God that I’m not a Redskin fan. (or a Giants fan / Eagles fan, for that matter…what a pitiful existence that must be.)

The Dallas Cowboys have won the NFC East for the second time in the last three years, this time in convincing fashion by shutting out two division rivals in consecutive weeks. Blanking the E-girls in the regular season finale was, I must admit, surprising…but oh so sweet. Few things are better than shutting out the E-girls, and shutting up their fans. It was better than watching Gretchen Carlson get power fucked on YouTube.

This was the first time in Cowboys history that they have had back to back shutouts. This was the first shutout of the E-girls by anyone since 1998. This will be the first time in NFL history that six teams (three pairs) that played each other in the season finale will also meet the next week in the playoffs: Jets –Bengals, Packers – Cardinals, and Cowboys – E-girls. No team is playing better football right now than Dallas. Nobody wants to play the Cowboys right now.

Tony Romo had another good day, going 24 of 34 for 311 yards and 2 TDs, with one int off a tipped ball in the red zone. That equals one big Chris Miller Romo-boner, and subsequent week-long high. Dallas had the total yards advantage over Philly 474 to 228. The Cowboys had 291 total yards at halftime. Felix and MB3 each had 91 yards rushing. The E-girls had 37 yards rushing on 10 carries. The Dallas D held Philly’s dangerous receivers, Jackson and Maclin, to three catches each, none of which for over 20 yards, eliminating the big plays.

Eagles’ spokesman, Dick Cumstain, said after the game in a prepared statement, “We need to get Michael Vick more involved in the offense – it’s time to let the dogs out.”

The E-girls ran one offensive play in the red zone all day; a fumbled snap recovered by Ratliff. It was a good day. Now we just have to go back, Jack, do it again, and ram that steely dan right up their ass. Again. Kill Joe!

BCS Update: So far most of the College Bowl games have been fairly boring, sloppy, defensive battles. Look for a relatively low-scoring BCS Championship game also, but Texas always keeps it exciting to the end, don’t they?

Texas 22 – Alabama 19

Playoff predictions:

Jets over Bengals

Packers over Cards

Ravens over Patriots

Cowboys 23 – E-girls 13.

We can’t expect three shutouts in a row, but it would be nice to see.

Cowboys beat Vikings in Divisional Round

Green Bay beats New Orleans

Cowboys beat Packers in NFC Championship game held at the Jones Mahal.

Cowboys beat San Diego for their 6th Super Bowl Championship.

All is right with the world. Keep f’n that chicken.

Go Cowboys!