… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

I’m conflicted. It’s great to beat the Redskins, twice, this time by 17 points and a shutout on the road, but it should have been by 34 points. We should have slaughtered them. I feel good about it, but I feel bad about it. The Cowboys still have a lot of work to do.

How can I be happy about the Best Team In Football’s inability to convert third and short, or fourth and inches for that matter, because the OC calls the same stupid play over and over again. It’s like a frickin’ Jean-Claude Van Damme movie out there; you know what’s coming next. Everyone in the state of Maryland knew what was coming next. Hey Garrett! You’re not fooling anyone! And your “power running game” is powerless when the defense knows the play before you run it!

The Cowboys are in the playoffs (yea!), and yet continually get dissed by the anal-ysts on TV and radio. Mike Golic-yourself just loves his E-girls, doesn’t he? Everyone just loves Philly and San Diego right now; it’s amazing what a winning streak will do for the commentators. No one in the league has played better in the last month than Tony Romo. It’s not his fault that Garrett calls shitty plays where Romo has to hand off instead of having the opportunity to make a play. And because we lost to both the Chargers and Gay-ants in December, Tony gets snubbed for the Pro Bowl, and we’re still fighting for the division crown. If the Cowboys just took care of business against both of those clearly inferior teams, then Sunday’s game against the E-girls would be for a first round bye instead of the division title. Then the last game we would have lost would have been in Green Bay; and after we beat Philly on Sunday, we’d have a 7-game winning streak to end the regular season. Then I’d be drinkin’ the Cool-Aid! (Ohhh yeahhh!) Until then, I’ll reserve the Cool-Aid for the Super Bowl, when the Cowboys make my 5-Time World Champions T-shirt in need of revision. (Keep f’n that chicken.)

I guess Garrett just wants to keep it interesting … by calling crappy plays and playing crappy football. It’s time to play Cowboys Football. Smash ‘em in the mouth, whip their ass, and make ‘em say ‘calf rope’. It’s time to Kill Joe!

Did anyone see Donna McFlabb running for his life on third and 25 against the Broncos last Sunday? He looked liked an old man with a corn cob stuck up his butt, waddling toward the sideline to take an emergency dump before he shit his pants. How can we not beat these guys on Sunday? We will win the game… handily.

Prediction: Cowboys 30 – E-girls 20

It’s going to be a good game, but expect Philly to get at least one cheap-ass touchdown after Donna McFlabb throws a deep prayer to some punk-ass receiver they have and gets a pass interference call on the Cowboys defender for a first and goal. That’s the time that you’ll be able to hear me scream from my living room to yours.

Go Cowboys!

Happy New Year!

p.s. Mooch and Skeeter were sighted partying at the woodshed with Phoebe, the retarded girl, after the Falcons win over the hapless Bills last Sunday. They were moonshined-up, shouting, “We’re in the playoffs! We’re in the playoffs!” Sadly, Phoebe was the only one of the three that knew the Falcons had been eliminated.

p.p.s. She-li is a whiny, pus-faced, dilated-assholed, lousy-quarterbacking, trouser pilot loser… who has also been eliminated from post-season play. J

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Cowboys Nation,

It wasn’t as high scoring as I anticipated, and our kicker still sucks for air while his head remains firmly embedded in his ass, but beating the previously undefeated Saints in the Superdome on Saturday night was glorious. It was awesome. I guess I should have predicted a lower scoring output for the Saints, giving more credit to our defense who gave up their season average of only 17 points, and in doing so saved our kicker’s ass. How does he miss a 24 yard field goal? The defense held the high-powered Saints offense to three points heading into the fourth quarter and held on to the lead with DeMarcus Ware coming up huge in the end; forcing a fumble while sacking Brees in the final seconds of the game.

(I understand that JJ brought in another shitty kicker that has already done one tour of duty with the Cowboys and had just gotten fired by Danny-boy Snyder of the Redskins for missing a game-clinching kick against New Orleans two weeks ago, Shaun Suisham. Oh boy, we’re excited now. How ironic that Suisham’s first game back in the NFL is against the Redskins in Washington.)

Tony had another great night, going 22 of 34 for 312 yards and one TD, and I don’t know who had the bigger Romo-boner, Jerry Jones or Chris Miller. MB3 had 62 yards on 17 carries and 2 TDs. Austin had 139 yards and a TD on just 7 catches, and continues to outshine the “number one receiver” Roy Williams. We need to keep up this kind of intensity, execution, and balance through the next two games against divisional opponents, and into the playoffs. If the Dallas Cowboys play like they did on Saturday night in New Orleans for the rest of the season, then they will win the Super Bowl. You heard it here first, folks.

NFL commissioner (Der Furor) Roger Goodell, tried to hand down a four game suspension to Tiger Woods last week, citing violations of the league’s personal conduct policy (cheating on his wife, wrecking his car, having a Jewish agent) and for the use of performance-enhancing drugs (Tiagra…when 18 holes are not enough). His assistant, T.P. Brownnoser, informed the commissioner that Mr. Woods was not a member of the NFL, but rather the PGA Tour. The following conversation ensued:

“What do you mean he’s not in the NFL?”

“He’s a golfer, sir.”

“Isn’t he black?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, football players are black. Golfers are white. Everyone I play golf with is white. He violated the policy. He must be suspended.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but you can’t do that.”

“I’m the fucking commissioner. I can do whatever the hell I want.”

“But sir, he’s not in our league.”

“Brownnoser, are you telling me a black man is out of my league?”

“In a manner of speaking, sir, yes.”

“I’m sick and tired of people running around doing whatever they want. I’m the Commissioner! I drive a Mercedes! I need to suspend someone! It’s been at least two weeks since the last suspension.”

Commissioner Goodell, frustrated that he couldn’t suspend Tiger Woods, decided to suspend Chris Henry indefinitely for having a domestic dispute that ultimately resulted in his own death, which clearly violated the league’s personal conduct policy, sending a message to the NFL.

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – Foreskins 13

The Gay-ants just tongue-wiped Washington’s ass Monday night; primary asslicker She-li Manning savoring the moment. The Cowboys will continue the beatings until Jim Zorn’s mother begs for it to stop. Kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

Merry Christmas!

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Cowboys Nation,

We have now lost two games in a row where we’ve been stopped on a fourth down run by MB3 at a critical juncture of the game. I’ve said this before; it’s not a talent issue, it’s not a personnel issue, it’s a coaching issue. This all comes down to play calling. Just get Romo outside after a play fake with Barber on a dive up the middle, and have Tony have the option to either run it in or flip a pass to the TE. It’s either a first down or a touchdown; I’ll take either one. It should be easy stuff, especially when the defense is looking to stop the run up the middle first, and has too little time to react to the outside bootleg run/pass option. Do I need to go down there and coach this team? (I guess that would make two of us that are unqualified for the job.) I feel like my dad turning around in the front seat of the Buick to stare us down and make us behave, “Do I need to come back there settle you boys down?” “No, Dad, we’re ok, we swear.”

Wade and Garrett had better get it together or they’ll be looking for jobs as soon as we end our season; the adult equivalent of a spanking by Jerry Jones.

The Cowboys have lost five games. They really should have lost only one game…to Kansas City! You’ll all recall that we won that game by the skin of Miles Austin’s teeth in OT. We should have beaten the Broncos, the Packers, the Chargers, and the Giants … twice! Hell, we out-played the opposition in ALL of those games, except against the Chiefs. The only truly complete game the Cowboys have played all year was against the Falcons, the week following the bye. That week, we beat a good team by playing good football. The following week against Seattle, the opponent was far less talented. These last two losses are not on Tony, they’re on Wade.

No need to bitch about the refs in the San Diego game. The only really bad call they made, they conferenced on and overturned it. The reason Dallas didn’t win this game was the inexplicable play calling from the one yard line, and our kicker lost his mechanics. I’ll let those ultra-manly Tom Coughlin fans out there whine like She-li about the refs after getting swept by the E-girls. She-li was extremely jealous after the game because Donna McNabb got to throw his own all-boy hot tub victory party in Philadelphia without him, giving new meaning to the city of brotherly love.

This Saturday night the Best Team In Football goes to N’awlins to play the as yet undefeated Saints. The Saints have barely won their last two games, both against teams we have already beaten this year. Drew Brees is a great player, can read defenses as well as any QB in the league, and is red hot right now (like Hansel). It’s time for the Saints to stumble. The Cowboys will win this game, much to the delight of bookies across the country. This will be the second game of the season that the Cowboys will not be favored to win; the first being on the road in Philly – which we won. It’s time to surprise the critics. It’s time to shut up Cowboy-hater Mike Golic-yourself. It’s time to kill Joe.

BCS Update: Mark Ingram, Heisman trophy winner from Alabama, wasn’t even the best running back in the country this year. The Heisman has clearly become a “best guy on the best team” award. Ndamukong Suh, DL from Nebraska, should have won the Heisman. At least Colt McCoy made All-American.

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – Saints 35

This is a must win for us, not for them. It all comes down to finishing off drives with touchdowns. It still remains to be seen if DeMarcus Ware will be back from his neck injury. If Ware is held out, then we need a big coming out party for Victor Butler, including a few sacks on Brees.

Go Cowboys!

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Dear Cowboys Faithful,

It is a sad day when The Best Team In Football lets a clearly inferior team take a victory away from them. It’s even sadder when it’s a division opponent. And even worse when we get the 0-2 season collar. What’s the problem? We can’t tackle. Wade needs to teach his team how to tackle. Aaron Ross, former UT Longhorn, knows how to tackle. He made a stop against MB3 on fourth and two for no gain in the fourth quarter with the game on the line. We couldn’t tackle at all. We made new jersey look like greased pigs out there; just another gift to the hapless Gay-ants, who realistically should be 5-7. Maybe we’ll see them in the playoffs, and do to them what they did to us in ’07.

Now let’s be fair. The two biggest plays of the game should have both been called back for holding against the midgets. The Jacobs run down the sideline was only there because they did not call the guy holding Sensabaugh. The punt return for a TD should have resulted in the midgets getting the ball at their own 15, not a touchdown, but they failed to call an obvious hold again.

Referee Bill Leavy was the special guest at Eli’s all-boy hot tub victory gala at the New Jersey safe house after the game. Leavy stopped by for a gay old time after he cashed his “bonus check” (for looking the other way; the Gay-ants had only two penalties called against them all day) at Vito’s Cash-N-Dash near the edge of the swamps in the Meadowlands. (Vito looks the other way, too.) Heralded as a hero by the players at the party, Leavy let them all take turns giving him celebratory blow jobs.

Wade, like Lucy, got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Tony went 41-of-55 for 392 yards, 3 TDs, 0 ints, and a QB rating of 112 … and we lost. Witten had 14 catches for 156 yards; Austin had 10 catches for 104 yards and a TD; Williams had 6 catches for 60 yards and 2 TDs … and we lost. We were 53% on third down, to the midgets 40%, and we lost. We had 38:50 in time of possession, to the midgets 21:10, and we lost. We had 424 yards of total offense to the 337 yards gained by the midgets, and we lost. We forced 2 turnovers; they forced only one, and we lost. All I can say is that if this was a Jimmy Johnson-coached team, then he’d be mad as hell and the Cowboys would not lose another game the rest of the season – and yes, that includes the fucking Super Bowl! It is time for Cowboys Nation to rise up, take care of the business at hand, and stop giving away wins. Charity is for the Salvation Army bucket outside the stadium, not for on the field giving. Next up is a good San Diego team. We simply have to beat them. Kill Joe!

And another thing; why does Wade not use Buehler for the 58 yard field goal attempt at the end of the half? He’s got a much stronger leg than Folk, who, let’s face it, has been struggling lately. Our kicker (and our head coach) needs a check-up from the neck up. Either that, or Wade needs an ENT consult to see if he can stop breathing through his mouth all the time.

BCS Update: If I was given the choice of having only one of my teams winning last weekend, then all is right with the world. Texas HAD to win the Big 12 Championship game. Dallas still can win their division, go to the playoffs, and win the Super Bowl even with the loss to the Gay-ants. I’m ok with that. The Longhorns have 32 days to prepare for Alabama. Nick Saban is a whiny nad from Jerkoffistan. My money’s on Mack Brown.

Prediction: Dallas 37 – San Diego 35

This will be a nail-biter, but we win it with a last second field goal. Folk goes 3-for -3, including the game-winner, and gets his head on straight again.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

What an awesome Thanksgiving! The Cowboys smashed the Raiders, the Longhorns beat the Aggies in a tough, high-scoring night game, and the Gay-ants lost to the Denver Donkeys. It was like a Holy Football Trinity. The best part was watching She-li Manning whine all night. (“But they catch the ball when Peeeeeyton throws it!”)

Oakland Raiders coach, Tom Cable, was asked by a reporter following the loss to The Best Team In Football why his offense was so ineffective against the Dallas defense. So Cable punched him in the face and broke his jaw, but no legal consequences or further action by the league will be pursued.

Tony threw for over 300 yards again, which usually means a win. Miles Austin had another big game, with 147 yards receiving. Roy Williams looks scared out there; always looking for the defender who’s about to hit him instead of catching the damn ball. With 5 games remaining on the schedule, Austin is already closing in on a 1,000 yard season. Not bad for getting his first start in week 5, against the Chiefs. All three of our running backs had over 60 yards rushing, and Felix finally broke a long TD run.

Dallas now has the #4 offense in the NFL in yards per game, and the #3 scoring defense in the NFL, giving up less than 17 points per game. We all saw how the first game against the New Jersey Gay-ants went – it was a fluke, lucky win for the midgets, with the football literally bouncing just the right way for them. The Cowboys now have to go up to New Jersey and assert their dominance over a clearly inferior team. Yes, it’s a divisional opponent. Yes, they always play us tough. We’ve heard all the clichés. It’s simply time to get the job done and KILL JOE! Which, incidentally, should be easy, with She-li nursing an acute vaginal infection; (s)he’s listed as day-to-day.

BCS Update: Texas will beat Nebraska; it’s just a question of who they get to beat for the National Championship, Tebow or the Tide.

PGA Update: Tiger…the new O.J. (And Elin takes her golf lessons from Jack Nicholson, not her husband.)

Prediction: Cowboys 27 – Midgets 13

Look for incessant whining from She-li Manning…it’s unstoppable.

Keep f’n that chicken.

Go Cowboys!