… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

What a great game! Beating the Redskins is always fun to watch, but when the Cowboys put on such a dominating and convincing performance, well, it’s a thing of beauty. The running game was in full force. The Romo to Williams connection in the passing game was unstoppable. Roy must be using glue! Someone just has to tell Roy Williams to put the glue on his hands instead of sniffing it before the game.

After the game, Tony Romo was interviewed about the win. “We knew that we had this game won by the end of the first quarter. We were really just toying with them. We had so much fun scoring only seven points in the final minute of the game last week in Green Bay that we figured we’d do it again this week against Washington at home. As an offense, sometimes we get a little tired of winning all these games by ourselves. We just wanted the defense to feel like they were contributing to the win this week, so we put up the yardage, but kept it close in terms of points, just to keep the defense interested.”

7-6. A real barnburner. But hey, a W is a W in the NFL, and there ain’t no style points.

Editor’s note: If the Cowboys continue to play like they have over the last two games, then they will lose to the Raiders on Thanksgiving, which will produce an immediate rectal hemorrhage in the author of this Update.

Around the NFC East: The E-girls scraped by the hapless Bears on Sunday night, benefiting from Jay Cutler’s inability to throw the ball to anyone in a Bears uniform.

The Deadskins proved to the rest of the free world outside of Cowboys Nation that they really are as pitiful as we thought they were.

Mooch and Skeeter had to drive up to New Jersey to see the Falcons play the Midgets because Skeeter couldn’t get the dadburn t-v ta workin’ again. It being a longer drive than to New Orleans, they packed up 32 cases of beer in the back of the pickup this time. Disappointed by the Atlanta loss, they drove around after the game looking for a party where they could drown their misery. They found themselves at a secluded spot where, after bribing the bouncer with a case of beer to gain entrance, suddenly they were partying with Eli Manning and many of his teammates at an all-boy hot tub gala. The new jersey midgets had waited for over a month to get another victory, and this was a celebration of their return to the win column. Mooch and Skeeter didn’t know quite what to do when they saw all those naked men crowded into the hot tub around Manning, so they sat back and got drunk with the overtime game-winning field goal kicker, Lawrence Tynes, because kickers are always excluded from the fun. After the party, Mooch said to Skeeter, “Did ya see what them boys was doin’ to each other back there?” “Yeah, Mooch. I thought you could only do that to hogs… and maybe Phoebe, that little retarded girl down the road from yer mom’s.” They drove back home to Georgia in awkward silence; strangely aware of the distance between them in the front seat of the truck.

BCS Update: Hook ‘em Horns! Beat A&M! Go Florida State! Go Auburn! Let’s have a Texas – TCU Championship game!

Prediction: Cowboys 27 – Raiders 13

If they end up benching Jamarcus Russell for the remainder of the year and Gradkowski plays QB the entire game, then the Raiders will be a much better team and we’ll have to play well to win this one. It’s our traditional Thanksgiving game. It’s time to kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

Happy Thanksgiving!

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I think we can all agree that sloppy would be the most accurate one-word description of how the Cowboys played in Green Bay last Sunday, making it a lousy day for Cowboys Nation. So much for the nine game winning streak prediction. Three teams beat us Sunday: the Packers, the Zebras, and ourselves. Let’s start with ourselves.

MB3 had 20 yards rushing on his first two carries in the first series of the first quarter. He had 23 yards rushing for the entire game. Why do you abandon the run with a score of 0 – 0, much less 3 – 0? Way to go Jason Garrett, this loss is on you. Nick Folk, a former Pro Bowl kicker, missed inside of 40 yards for the first time this year. Roy Williams, after catching a nice pass from Tony Romo for 42 yards, tripped over the Dallas Morning News press clippings he was reading about how great he’s suddenly become, fell on his keys, and fumbled, killing yet another drive. Don’t look now, but Roy just dropped another pass. The O-line gave up 5 sacks; and Doug Free, who took over the RT spot after Colombo broke his fibula, gave up none of them. Our Pro Bowl linemen, Flozell and Gurode, gave up the sacks. We gave up 2 fumbles; the aforementioned Roy Williams gaffe, and a total BS call late in the game deep in our own territory. We’ll come back to that later. Tony threw an int at the one yard line in the 4th quarter to seal the defeat. But, then again, he was just following orders from Garrett, the OC, who should have just run the ball into the end zone for the TD with Barber. What a fiasco. Why does Garrett always put his QB in a position like that? Why are the Cowboys always the ones committing the Red Zone turnover instead of creating them? And to top off the sloppy play, the Cowboys committed 10 penalties, many of which were “game changers”.

Next, the Packers. Yes, they played good defense, but only to the extent that the Cowboys couldn’t get out of their own way. On offense, the only way they could protect Rodgers from getting sacked was to hold. They were flagged only 5 times for holding, but it happened all day long. Joe Buck was really stretching his commentary skills by saying, “They may have gotten away with a hold on that play”. Really, Joe? Ya think?

Now the Zebras. Yes, it’s easy to whine and complain about the officiating when you lose, but when the guys on TV can plainly see it too, it’s a bad call. Buck and Aikman rarely show they have the stones to disagree with a ref and call him out on it, but they did on Sunday. A phantom BS hands to the face call on Jenkins in the first quarter nullified a “holy triumvirate” play (sack, fumble, return for a TD) by Scandrick on a corner blitz. On a punt return, the Packers return man stumbled, hit his knee to the ground before he was touched, McBriar knocked the ball loose, and the ruling on the play was not a fumble recovery by Dallas, but down by contact! Note to self: This is the NFL, not college football. Were the officials even there? But wait, there’s more! On the same play, the Packers committed a 10 yard penalty at the 26 yard line. The ball should have been marked at the 16 (assuming the Cowboys actually did not recover a real fumble). They placed the ball at the 23, first and ten, Packers! WTF. RUKM? And the topper of them all, the “unreviewable play”. Tony fumbles, Felix Jones recovers it, is down by contact, the play is over; the Packers rip the ball loose from Felix’s grasp while he’s already down, they pick it up and run to the 3 yard line before Witten pushes the guy out of bounds. And the fact that Felix was down by contact is “not a reviewable play” makes no difference that they got the original call wrong on the field. Bad call, Cowboys go down 17 – 0, instead of having the ball and still having a chance. The officials also missed an out of bounds call just before halftime, which resulted in giving the Packers an extra 7 yards on the play, which allowed Mason Crosby to kick a 48 yard field goal instead of a 55 yarder. Thanks. Referee Jeff Triplette is now at the top of the A-hole of the year list. BTW, it’s a 15 yard penalty when you throw the red flag trying to challenge a play and you don’t have any more challenges left. I guess Triplette conveniently forgot that rule. He gets the DFN of the Week Award. This isn’t just bitching. These are all documented officiating mistakes. (After the game, Triplette told Wade that he was “sorry”. Don’t we all feel better now?)

Up next is a home game against the Foreskins. God I hate the Deadskins. What I really hate is losing to them. That will not happen this week. Guaranteed. Put it in three inch headlines. WE WILL WIN THE GAME. I’m glad they beat the Broncos. Now they think they can win. Give me an over-confident road team, and I’ll show you a loss. Much like what just happened to us in Green Bay. It’s time to kill Joe!

Prediction: Cowboys 23 – Deadskins 17

Throw out the records in this game. They always play us tough. I hope we beat them 55 – 0, but that is unlikely. They do have a good defense.

We’re still in first place, at 6 – 3. We need to keep winning to stay ahead of the piddley ass-wipe teams in our division.

Go Cowboys!

p.s. I’m cutting my hair, too.

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Cowboys Nation,

It is always a good day when you find yourself in your rightful place in the world; First Place. The “experts” on TV need to start listening. I saw two analysts NOT pick the E-girls to beat The Best Team In Football on Sunday night. Yeah, two. All the other anal-ists seem to be Cowboy haters, especially Joe Theissman on NFL Network. I can’t imagine that they honestly think that Philly is a better team than Dallas. I mean, really. We all know why Joe hates the Cowboys. When you get your teeth kicked in twice a year by the same team over and over again, it tends to grate on your nerves. He’s excused. But Ditka? C’mon dude. Show the ‘Boys some love and respect. Chris Berman is a blowhard, for those of you that hadn’t noticed. The only way to shove it in the face of a Cowboy-hater is to win another Super Bowl, and no one wins the Super Bowl in November.

Game notes: Tony threw one interception, which is the first time he’s had a pick and they went on to win the game this season. He went 21-of-34 for 307 yards and one TD. I like these 300 yard passing days… they smell like victory. Roy Williams looks to be starting to get it now. We need him on the same page with Romo. I’d like to see a stronger ground game from MB3, Felix and Choice.

We gave up 4 sacks to the E-girls blitzes. Not bad, all things considered. We pressured McNabb just as much, if not better.

The E-girls had only 297 yards of total offense. We intercepted Donna McNabb twice (Sensabaugh and Jenkins; fast becoming our two best players in the secondary).

We have a pretty good outside pass rush, even though Anthony Spencer has yet to record a sack this season. The Cowboys really need to continue to send the linebackers up the middle on the inside blitzes, for two reasons: 1) It’s been the most effective thing they’ve done all year, and 2) It helps Jay Ratliff, NT, who has absolutely been a beast to block, and may be our mid-season defensive MVP.

This was out third consecutive win over a bird team…we don’t play the Cardinals this year, but they were named after a piece of red cloth anyway, not the bird.

Any Giants fans out there wanna talk some shit now? Yeah. I thought so. I still have Dec. 6th circled on my calendar.

The DFN of the Week Award goes to Chad Ochocinco, of the Cincinnati Bengals, for attempting to bribe an official with a one dollar bill on a replay challenge. Hey, Numbnuts! You’re on national television! Mr. Ocho-Stinko has proven himself time and again to be the biggest moron in the league. These are NFL officials; ya gotta bring out the Benjamins! And really, “Ochocinco?” At least Mark Duper only changed his middle name to “Super”. Even T.O. hasn’t done something as stupid as Chad, although he does run a close second.

Next up is the Green Bay Fudge Packers, (without Bert Favor), who just lost to the last remaining winless team in the NFL, Tampa Bay, last week. It looks like the wheels are coming off in Wisconsin (where the cold is rotten) and the Cowboys had better be ready for an angry bunch of bile and urine-clad players out for blood after their most recent humiliation in Florida. They can’t protect Rodgers at all. Look for a multiple-sack game from at least three Cowboys defenders (ex. Ware, Ratliff, Butler), as well as a few interceptions from our secondary.

Prediction (real this time) Cowboys 38 – Green Bay 12

Both sides of the ball are looking great right now. The ‘Boys just need to keep it going. (Keep f’n that chicken)

Kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

p.s. Our lymphoma lady is still waiting for her lymph node biopsy by the head and neck surgeon to whom I referred her several weeks ago. Her insurance company denied the procedure until the lymph node swelling in her neck had been documented for at least six weeks. The problem with health care in America today is that medical care itself is not physician-driven, it is insurance company-driven.

category: Uncategorized

Cowboys Nation,

Ok. So DeMarcus Ware did not score a TD Sunday against the Seahawks, but my other predictions were really close. I figured we were good for at least one non-offensive TD, I just didn’t figure it would be Patrick Crayton with a punt return for a TD two weeks in a row. (tuka jeeb) The last time a Cowboy did that was 1968, by Bob Hayes.

The Cowboys handled Seattle pretty well, playing tough defense and good, solid offense for most of the game. Tony fell asleep in the fourth quarter and fumbled away the ball when he should have just thrown it out of bounds, giving Seattle the predicted late TD. The Iggles will not be a team that goes as quietly.

Tony Romo still went 21–of-36 for 256 yards with 3 TDs and no picks. He threw to ten different receivers. Martellus Bennett got some catches, and Ogletree got his first NFL career catch. Barbie Carpenter got his first sack since his rookie year on an A-gap blitz! Wade may be starting to listen. I think a similar offensive performance from Tony against Philly will get us a win.

Of note, Forbes magazine just published the top selling jerseys list for the four major sports in America. Tony Romo’s #9 Cowboys jersey is the best seller in the country, out-selling Kobe, LeBron, Jeter, A-Rod, and Carmello combined.

Let’s review. Philly is the only team in the NFC East without a Super Bowl win, much less multiple wins. I stand by my contention that the E-girls are not even good enough to hate. We hate the Foreskins. We hate the Midgets. It’s been a lot of fun watching those two teams squirm the last few weeks. She-li Manning has had to cancel his all-boy hot tub victory parties at the New Jersey safe house after consecutive losses the last three weeks because he just couldn’t take getting his ass pounded twice in one day. His whining has now affected his team’s performance both on the field (“But they block for Peeeeyton!”), and off the field (see Brandon Jacobs; diagnosis: erectile dysfunction).

The Cowboys need to go up to Philadelphia and put a serious whoopin’ on the E-girls. It’s time to lay down the law. There’s a new sheriff in town, and the Cowboys, The Best Team In Football, will assert themselves as the dominant force in the NFC East on Sunday. This game is for first place. It’s time to kill Joe! I’d like to see Sensabaugh put his helmet through DeSean Jackson’s rib cage, peeling off a metallic blue star now tattooed to his lung, and they have to cart him away on a stretcher with a sucking chest wound. I’d like to see DeMarcus Ware recreate the Joe Theissman Memorial Hashmark with Donna McNabb’s left leg with an open, compound, bloody, career-ending tib-fib fracture. I’d like to see Brian Westbrook get cheered by the Philadelphia fans as he lies motionless on the turf of Lincoln Financial Field, like they did to Michael Irvin. (Oh. I’m sorry. Too harsh for you? Put some Monistat cream on it, you’ll feel better.)

When asked about this Sunday’s match up with Dallas, Eagles spokesman Dick Cumstain said in a prepared statement, “We hope to get Michael Vick more involved in the offense this week. It’s going to be a real dogfight out there, and we could sure use a man with his experience.”

Yes. After we abuse Donna McNabb, we could see Vick, but more likely they’ll have to use Kevin “Corn-on-the” Kolb.

Prediction: Cowboys 44 – E-girls 6

I understand, of course, that this is unrealistic, but I haven’t forgotten last year’s end of the season gift.

Go Cowboys!

p.s. Mooch and Skeeter drove their ’73 Ford pickup, with 16 cases of beer in the back, to New Orleans for the Monday night game between the Saints and the Falcons, but sadly, were unable to attend the game after being arrested on Canal St. for soliciting a transvestite hooker. They were initially attracted to her (him) after she (he) mentioned how much she (he) preferred a Matty Ice to a Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane. They were cruising Canal St. because they thought it was pronounced ‘see anal’