… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

It was clear on Sunday at Cowboys Stadium who the experienced winner on the field was; Quarterback Tony Romo. He exhibited the excellence that is the Dallas Cowboys, personifying the class of a true winner with a quality performance that outshined his inexperienced counterpart on the other side of the field in leading his team to a convincing 37 – 21 victory. His 21-of-29 for 311 yards, 3 TDs, and no turnovers for a QB rating of 141.6 was more than the Falcons could handle. Romo easily dismantled an otherwise formidable defense with his passing accuracy, and eluded their pass rush with, at times, Houdini-like escape abilities. The Falcons simply haven’t played a team as good as the Cowboys yet this season – including their only other loss to New England. There’s no gloating here; only the disposing of an inferior opponent. As it should be. We’ll do the same on Sunday with the Seahawks.

Patrick Crayton was demoted to back-up punt returner and 3rd receiver after the acquisition of Allen Rossum and the emergence of Miles Austin. Rossum got hurt on his first play ever as a Cowboy, and Roy Williams still looks like he’s got injured ribs because he can’t catch anything. So here comes Crayton. He scored two touchdowns against Atlanta; one receiving, and one on a 73 yard punt return. In an emotional post-game interview, Crayton said, “I needed to make a statement. I was pissed. They took my job.”

(They took his job! The tuk hi job! Th tuk i jeeb! D tuk e jb! Tk e jb! Tkajb! Tk jb! )

We would be better served to start Austin and Crayton, and bring Williams in for three-receiver sets. Either him or Ogletree. Williams is fast appearing to be a trade bust. Our secondary looks much better with Sensabaugh back in the line-up. Some really hard hits out there. I’d also like to see Martellus Bennett become a bigger factor in the offense. He’s a really big target on third down. Our running backs, although declining in rushing yardage production lately, have started to do an excellent job of blocking for Tony in blitz pick-up coverage. This is an evolving team. We can only wait and see if the coaching staff can make the adjustments needed so that this team is able to peak in Dec. – Jan., instead of October, like ’07 and ’08.

Maybe Wade can start by calling a time out when his defense isn’t ready for the snap of the ball on fourth and ten from the thirty yard line, giving up the easiest scoring play in history, instead of standing on the sideline like the vacant mouth-breather version of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Then he can go ahead and cut Barbie Carpenter, aka Special (Olympics) Teams First Round Draft Bust P.O.S.

Trade him to Miami so Parcells can continue his Carpenter bro-mance, then we can develop Jason Williams, Stephen Hodge, Victor Butler, and Brandon Williams, the LBs we drafted this past April. (Are they all still on the team?)

If the Cowboys play the Seahawks as well as they played the Falcons, then we should win easily on Sunday. Seattle has not done much this year at 2 – 4, even with some key off-season additions like T.J. Who’s-yo’momma. We also get to see our old friend Julius “Tip-toe up to the Line” Jones. Who knows who their QB is gonna be on Sunday. It’s like a revolving door up there.

Prediction: Cowboys 42 – Seattle 17.

Seattle gets a late TD after the Cowboys have already hung up their cleats. The Seahawks punter is going to get a workout. DeMarcus Ware scores his first TD of the season on Sunday. This one’s gonna be fun to watch.

Go Cowboys!

p.s. Mooch and Skeeter were unable to watch the Cowboys beat the Falcons last Sunday. The rubber band broke on Skeeter’s moonshine-powered generator, and he couldn’t get the dadburn t-v to workin’.

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Cowboys Nation,

I was two for two in my predictions last week, which was two better than most of the “experts” on tv Sunday morning. Maybe I should change careers after the government takes away my job. Then again, I’m way too crude for television. (No! Say it ain’t so!)

After the bye week, we now find ourselves with two straight home games against teams we should beat (Atlanta and Seattle). The Cowboys are 15-5 after the bye week since it was instituted in 1990. Unfortunately for the Falcons, they play not only the Cowboys coming off of their bye week, but also the Giants and the Redskins after their byes as well. Der Furor Goodell strikes again, only this time it’s not going against us. (The Falcons actually play a league-high 4 teams coming off a bye this season, having just played Chicago after their bye week last Sunday night. Four teams, Denver, Tenn., Baltimore, and Jacksonville play 3 teams coming off a bye. And of course, New England and Pittsburgh, Goodell’s darlings, play no one coming off a bye this season. I know you’re all shocked.)

I would normally say that teams coming off a bye and playing at home have a distinct advantage, but San Diego didn’t measure up against the Broncos Monday night even given that favorable scenario. We can’t let that happen to us. It’s time to go on that 9-game winning streak. It’s time to kill Joe. Wade needs to run some double A-gap blitzes up the middle with Brooking and James; and/or stunt Ware up the middle after lining up on the outside. Our biggest problem on defense has been our inconsistent ability to apply pressure on opposing QBs. That needs to change this week.

I was just recently on the east coast, and met two Atlanta Falcons fans, Mooch Watson and Skeeter McGraw. They said that they were really excited about the Falcons chances this year, and carried on at length about their bro-mance with QB Matt Ryan. Typical of Falcons fans, they had Summer teeth (some ’er there, some ‘er not), but were not married to their sisters; the girls could outrun them. Mooch said,”Yeah, once Skeeter got that dadburn t-v to workin’, we started watchin’ the football.” Skeeter added, “We just love that Matty Ice guy.”

Now, little did the backwoods Georgia boys know, but Matty Ice is the name of a fruity little boat drink in Atlanta, mixed with grenadine and served with a tiny umbrella, popular with the male prostitutes on Peachtree Blvd. “Hey sailor, could I please get a Matty Ice on the rocks and your cock up my ass?” “Oooh, I’d like mine frozen with a mango slice. Does that come with complimentary nuts? ‘Cause I’d like yours on my chin.” That sort of downtown Atlanta thing.

Mooch and Skeeter continued on about the good old days, graduating from 5th grade, losing their virginity to the 400 lb sow in their neighbor’s pen, and getting drunk on homemade pinewood moonshine back at the cabin in the sticks. “Look Skeeter! I’m drunk!” “Look at me, Mooch! I’m retarded and blind!” Oh those two. They’re just a couple of fun lovin’ guys, out for a good time. (They don’t know no better. Bless their hearts; dumb as a post.)

What they really need to know is that the only Ryan that gets any love in Arlington, TX is Nolan. (Keep f**kin’ that chicken.)

The Cowboys acquired return specialist Allen Rossum from the Forty-Whiners just after the KC game, so now we don’t have to watch Patrick Crayton muff any more punts. Rossum was released by SF after they finally signed Michael “I want 49 million, not 42” Crabtree following his holdout. It’s a good thing that Crabtree signed before the deadline; otherwise he’d have been the prime candidate for the DFN of the Year Award. Now he’s just another rich rookie with no pro experience to back up that kind of money. (Where’s my government bailout? I’ve been pro for twenty years.)

Prediction: Cowboys 27 – Falcons 23

We’re better than the Bears, and we have something to prove this week. The Falcons are a good team, and we need a quality win. It will all come down to turnovers.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

We escaped KC with a win last Sunday, 26-20 in OT. Roy Williams was out with a shoulder injury, which prompted Wade to actually make a decision for once, and Miles Austin made his first career start at WR. He came up big. Austin posted 10 receptions for 250 yds and 2 TDs. He caught the winning TD in OT, a 60 yarder that, if the Chiefs could tackle, should have been a 12 yard reception for a first down and not a touchdown. But we’ll take it. I just don’t think that we can count on that type of production week in and week out from a back-up receiver. (Does anyone have Austin on their Fantasy Team?)

This game should have never even gone to overtime. The Cowboys had too many mistakes, and missed several opportunities to put this game away, and they kept finding ways to muck it up. Dropped passes being the majority of the missed opportunities. Penalties (in double figures), and fumbles being the big mistakes. We had four offsides calls on our defense in one series! Wade. Wade. Wade. (he’s the one in the middle, you drunk) What are you doing?

I’d like to see Wade make some bold steps to get the chemistry of this team in better balance. Jim Tracy, manager of the Rockies, came in and completely mixed things up on the roster, pitching staff, and batting order after Clint Hurdle got fired. He turned their season around, and made the Rockies the team with the most wins after June 1st in MLB. Wade needs to play Kevin Ogletree at WR. He’s got great hands, runs clean routes, and teams don’t know him yet so he can have a few breakout games just like Austin did in Kansas City. Roy Williams and Patrick Crayton aren’t getting the job done, plain and simple. Maybe Wade can erupt a random thought from his oversized form over the bye week break and actually help this team to perform like it’s capable of doing.

Oh sure, like he went to Harvard.

Well, no. He may not be a genius, but at least he’s been in football long enough to know that what he’s doing now isn’t working.

Predictions: Saints 41 – Giants 33.

This is the “marquee match-up” between two unbeatens this week. Look for a lot of O, and not much D, and a heavy dose of She-li doing what he does best: whining.

Bears 24 – Falcons 27

The Dirty birds win a close one at home, giving them the big-headed confidence to come into Dallas next week and lay an egg.

Go Cowboys!

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Dear Cowboys Faithful,

OK. I’m over it. The sun came up on Monday morning, and the fact that the Cowboys never bothered to even get off the bus to go and play the Broncos on Sunday no longer mattered. It is what it is.

We have now beaten two teams that are both still winless. We have lost to two teams that are still undefeated. At 2-2, we are mired in mediocrity; and as Bill Parcells always says, you are what your record says you are. (Yes. But we should be 4-0)

Tony apparently injured his right shoulder in the first half, but Wade stood there on the sidelines like a vacant mouth-breather and did his specialty: nothing. I’m watching the ‘Boys drive down the field in the final minute of the game to try and score the tying TD with a depilatory grip on my head, and on fourth and goal from the one, we not only DON’T try to run it in, we pass (incomplete) and Witten isn’t even in on the pass pattern. For those of you who care, Witten is our only All-Pro on offense. Garrett has him back at the line blocking because the O-line can’t do it! We’ve got the biggest Offensive line in the league, and they need our go-to guy in there to help block with the game on the line! How this team can continually squander the talent available on this roster is utterly beyond me. I just don’t get it. Is it just me, or are there others like me out there that want Wade Phillips’, Jason Garrett’s, Dave Campo’s and Ray Sherman’s heads on spikes so we can sell them to the Martians to put on their mantle pieces? These are coaching issues, people. NOT talent issues. As dutiful members of Cowboys Nation, if you are not outraged, then you are not paying attention!

And, just for icing on the cake, adding insult to injury, the Cowboys’ ineptitude on defense is highlighted this week on the cover of Sports Illustrated. (The SI editor is now up for the A-hole of the year award)

This Sunday, we get to go to Kansas City and play the winless Chiefs. If the trend continues, then we should be able to take care of business and win this game. Of course there’s always the possibility that our offensive line doesn’t block, our receivers don’t run the correct routes to get themselves open, and our defense doesn’t feel like tackling that day, which will result in another Bronco-game-like performance. I’d say it’s a coin flip as to which team shows up.

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – Chiefs 13

We have to get this win, and it has to be a convincing one. Bottom line: we cannot go into the bye with a losing record, and if we lose to the Chiefs, then this will be Wade’s last year at the helm. Do you think Bill Cowher would come back and coach the Cowboys?

Kill Joe. (Necessity)

Go Cowboys! (Desire)

Keep fuckin’ that chicken (Ernie Anastos)

p.s. For those of you that went to A&M and majored in mechanical engineering; Depilatory: having the power to remove hair.

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UN-FUCKING REAL!

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Cowboys Nation,

Finally, our defense is starting to look like it is supposed to look: dominating. We only gave up a single long drive against the Carolina Kitties before halftime, otherwise, we shut ‘em down. The defense secured the win with a Terrence Newman interception in the fourth quarter. Steve Smith ran the wrong route, Newman ran the right one, and Jake Delhomme threw it right to Newman, who, after thanking Jake, ran it into the end zone for the clinching TD. In all, we had two picks, one fumble recovery, and three sacks. We forced four three-and-outs to start the second half.

Tony looked adequate, (I won’t say great) completing 22 of 33 for 255 yards, with no TD’s and no picks. For some unknown reason, Jason Garrett is in love with the fade route on the goal line, which, for Dallas, has never been a consistently successful play. We were averaging 8.2 yards per rushing attempt, and yet we throw it from the one yard line. Brilliant! JFC! Just run the fucking ball into the end zone…again and again and again, until they prove they can stop it! That 21 – 7 final score Monday night could have easily been 31 – 7, which would have been more indicative of the true difference between the teams that night.

MB3 missed the game with a strained quad, and apparently he was pissed that the coaches wouldn’t suit him up. I like that. In the meantime, Felix injured his posterior cruciate ligament in his left knee in the third quarter and never returned. At least it’s not his ACL, which would end his season. The PCL is usually sacrificed during a total ACL knee reconstructive surgery, which will tell you it’s not the important player in knee stabilization. He’ll likely be out until after the bye week. T. Choice looked good again in his backup/fill-in role, scoring our only offensive TD of the night.

Flozell Adams has struck again, getting fined by der Furor for kicking Julius Peppers. He now has accumulated $25,000 in fines so far this season in only three games. I know our friends down in Louisiana can guess what award he wins this week.

NFC East Review:

Brian, I picked your Lions to beat the Foreskins in my local weekly pool. It was the first time I’d picked Detroit in over a year. Congratulations on the win over another bad team…don’t get cocky.

Michael “Bulldog” Vick is making a tremendous impact in the NFL with the Iggles, averaging 6 plays a game, while Kolb renders Donna McNabb entirely disposable.

After the mighty Giants of New Jersey shut out the beastly Buccaneers of Florida last Sunday, the great Eli Manning once again held his all-boy hot tub victory party at the safe house, this time inviting his AL East clinching buddies from the Yankees, shortstop Derek Jeter and second baseman Robinson Cano, to join in on the fun. A gay time was had by all. When asked why the double play tandem infielders from the Yankees were also invited, Eli replied, “They’re really strong up the middle, if ya know what I mean.” Oh Eli, you devil.

Now Big D gets to come up here to lower-case d and whoop-up on the 3-0 Denver Donkeys on Sunday afternoon. The Denver forecast calls for thunder rolling across the Mile High stadium turf in the form of the Cowboys running attack, lightning striking the end zones with Tony Romo touchdown passes, and a 100% chance of heavy precipitation from the eyes of Broncos fans in the stands. In summary, a beautiful day for a football game. I love the weather in Colorado.

Prediction: Cowboys 42 – Broncos 10

The three game winning streak for new head coach Josh McDaniels comes to a screeching halt after DeMarcus Ware flattens Kyle Orton all afternoon. (Kill Joe)

Keep fuckin’ that chicken.

Go Cowboys!

p.s. I do not own a Michael Irvin jersey…so I’m off the hook.