… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

While I sincerely appreciate the fierce defense of the Update, and its contents, we must forgive the ignorance (it is blissful) of those who just don’t understand what it means to be a fan of The Best Team In Football, The Dallas Cowboys.

Now I’m not here to personally attack anyone on the mailing list, yet I feel that some may need a gentle reminder that this is NOT a public forum to vent your frustrations regarding the attempts at comedic prose by yours truly, and it will not garner any future responses baiting a fight.

Any personal insults will be directed only toward those whom I have known for over 30 years.(ex. Chocolate eichelberger) Otherwise, the Updates, sophomoric as they may be, will continue to throw jabs, meaningless as they may be, at millionaire athletes (queer as they may be) that will never know it has happened.

If anyone feels compelled to throw insults back at the Cowboys players, please do so in your own newsletter, to your own team’s fans…not mine. It has nothing to do with epidermal depth, just respect and decency, however offended you may be.

I’m looking forward to the Carolina game, not looking back at the week 2 loss to a clearly inferior team that got lucky.

Keep f*n that chicken.

Go Cowboys!

p.s. Sorry about the lateness of this supplemental reply. I spent the majority of my morning diagnosing a 66 year old lady with lymphoma. I’ll find out after the biopsy if it’s Hodgkin’s or NHL. Sometimes we need to be reminded that there are more important things than whining about your football team. You don’t know what heat is.

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Cowboys Nation,

It was a glorious flight back to New York for those wonderfully victorious Giants last Sunday night. Everyone on the plane knew how badly they had beaten the Cowboys, and that the 33 – 31 final score did not truly reflect just how dominant the Giants had been all night. Eli Manning celebrated in his usual fashion after a win by hosting his regular all-boy hot tub party at his New Jersey “safe house”, away from all but the select few media reporters that Eli lets join in on the fun (Jesse Palmer).

At the party, following an outstanding performance, Giants star running back Brandon Jacobs pontificated, “Eli Manning is the greatest quarterback in the history of the game. I mean, the way he forced Romo into those three interceptions was a thing of beauty. Especially how Eli made that ball bounce off of Witten’s foot, right into the hands of Kenny Phillips, wow! What a play by Eli! But my favorite play of the night was when Eli threw that ball directly into Jay Ratliff’s hand so that it would get deflected right to Mario Manningham for the first down on that critical third and eight late in the game. Man, that was precise execution on Eli’s part. I just love this guy,” Brandon finished, as he tussled Eli’s hair fondly.

“Eli, could you comment on that?” the unnamed reporter asked. “Umphh burumphh abbuh famperumphh,” was all Eli Manning could say, forgetting that Jacobs’s cock was still in his mouth.

Merry Christmas, Giants. That game was a gift. We again somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Sunday Dec. 6 is Retribution Day.

How can Jason Garrett call a long pass play downfield late in the game when Tony was clearly off target all night and we’d been ramming the ball down their throat on the ground the entire game? How about chewing up some more clock while you have the lead instead of throwing another interception? How do the Cowboys lose a game with over 250 yards rushing? How does Wade dial up a defensive scheme that cannot produce a single sack or turnover? Not to mention producing a defensive stop in the last 3:40 of the game to lose it. Wade’s big defensive call of the night? Anyone…anyone? Ice the kicker. Brilliant! For the majority of the game, Wade stood there on the sideline like a vacant mouth-breather wondering what was going on, and why we weren’t winning big.

Some random thoughts:

Our secondary coach needs to teach our DB’s to cover somebody…anybody.

Send Bradie James in on more linebacker blitzes. Maybe that’ll produce a sack, or even a hurried throw for an interception.

Justin Tuck has a banana head.

Someone needs to tell Felix Jones to stop tip-toeing up to the wedge on kickoff returns. Just run! Oh, and don’t fumble like a DFN.

I almost feel sorry for the Panthers coming in to Dallas Monday night because we’re gonna kill ‘em. But I don’t.

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – Panthers 17

It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast.

Keep fuckin’ that chicken.

Kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

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Dear Cowboys Faithful,

Game ON!

Although Tony looked very un-Romo-like in the first half, he came out in the second half and lit it up against the Tampa Bay Gay Blades (from the old logo…you know). Romo had a career best 353 yards passing with 3 touchdowns, and most importantly, no interceptions. The three TD’s were 42 yds, 66 yds, and 80 yds. Can you say, “T.O. Who?” As in, who needs him when we can score like that? And everybody (read media) was worried about the lack of WR fire-power on The Best Team In Football; they of little faith, and littler brain. Maybe Winnie the Pooh should be a sports analyst – at least he has faith. I’ll take a 34-21 win any day.

Personally, I’m more worried about our defense than our offense (we gave up 450 yds to the Bucs offense), especially when Wade (very Pooh-like) has DeMarcus Ware back in coverage getting his bell rung, instead of rushing the passer like he should be and then eating the QB for lunch. Mmm-mmm good. Do quarterbacks taste like honey or chicken? I guess we’ll have to ask Eli Manning’s boyfriend to find out for sure.

And speaking of She-li Manning, the eyes of Cowboy Nation will be fixed upon his return to Texas for his annual public ass-whipping (kill Joe!), courtesy of the Dallas Cowboys, next Sunday night as Jerry unveils to the NFL the Star at midfield in the Jones Mahal. It’s on national TV, 7:15 pm Dallas time, no excuses for not watching this one. The over/under on punts hitting the video board is two and a half.

I’m also concerned about Wade’s decision to use Terrence Newman as a punt returner. He’s our best corner. He’s way too valuable to our secondary to have him get his knees busted running back punts. We have plenty of young, fast guys that can fill that need, without exposing our leader in the defensive backfield. Besides, he muffed the only punt he tried to catch. Not good.

NFC East Report: The Giants beat the Redskins. No surprise there. The Foreskins suck, and are looking the basement of the division square in the face again. We have to stop the run when we play the Giants Sunday night.

Donna McNabb got hurt, just as I thought he would, and now Andy “Fatboy” Reid has to use either Kevin “Second round bust” Kolb or newly signed Jeff “I swear I’m not gay ‘cause I married a Playboy bunny” Garcia, because Michael “Bulldog” Vick is still serving his suspension handed down by Roger “Der Furor” Goodell. Looks like the Fatboy ordered the expensive McRibs this season. Then again, he’s used to handling a full plate.

Side notes: Tom Brady’s new wife won’t let him talk to Suzy Kolber. She’s too cute. Just ask Joe Namath.

Brian’s Lions still look dismal…and I’m being kind.

RB’s Jets, with new coach and QB, looked better than expected. Maybe this year J-E-T-S doesn’t mean Just Expect The Same. J

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – NY Midgets 28

It’s going to be a close one, but the Boys pull it out with an Opening Night win on a Nick Folk FG as time expires to avoid OT.

Or not.

Bottom Line: We need to smack the shit out of Eli(zabeth) Manning.

GO COWBOYS!

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Cowboys Nation,

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for (well…at least some of us have been waiting for it; Roger, do you care?) Opening Day! Yes, the Cowboys, aka The Best Team In Football, open the season on the road in Tampa on Sunday against the newly rearranged Buccaneers. The Bucs seem confused at best. They just fired their Offensive Coordinator because his offense was offensive…and uncoordinated. The proverbial unco-tard. He used to be the head coach at Boston College, and he lasted the whole preseason in Tampa. Our defense should look good this weekend. It’s time to kill Joe.

Ok. I was wrong. Please note the date and time, because it won’t happen again. (Editor’s note: he’s always fucking wrong) Jesse Holley was not the first guy cut from camp. He actually made the practice squad. His only redeeming quality in the preseason was his return of an oddly bouncing punt 82 yards for a TD in the final preseason game against the Favre-less Vikings. I guess Holley was forgiven for his fumble in the third preseason game against the Forty-whiners.

At least I was right about cutting Stanback, the oft-injured project that never panned out. I’m also glad they kept Ogletree. I‘d like to see this kid become the next Drew Pearson.

Real Predictions: Super Bowl match-up: Dallas vs. New England

Sunday: Cowboys 34 – Tampa Bay 13

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Faithful,

So it appears that Brett Favre will not play Friday night in Minnesota against The Best Team In Football in the fourth and final (yea!) preseason game, the most meaningless one unless you’re on the bubble. Favre isn’t on the bubble in Minnesota, he’s on life support. He doesn’t know the offense because he missed training camp. He missed training camp because he doesn’t know if his body could withstand the physical punishment of two-a-days. The Vikings are holding him out of the game so that our most manly Cowboys don’t (kill Joe) create the Brett Favre Memorial Hashmark in the Metrodome. (Did they stop calling that place the Hubert H. Humphrey dome?) It doesn’t matter…much like this game.

The issues for Cowboys Nation are injuries, and who makes the final 53-man roster cut. I’ve said this before, we need to release Stanback. We’ve been fishing with him for two years; it’s time to cut bait. Kevin Ogletree has outperformed Stanback all through camp. The only way we keep Stanback is for a kick returner.

The injury situation has been tough on us so far this preseason, but mostly confined to the new rookies on the team. It’s a little strange. Our starters are really healthy right now, but we have no backups; unless you count our favorite number one draft choice special teams player Barbie Carpenter. I doubt the waiver wire will produce much, but we did pick up a linebacker from the Colts, Curtis Johnson, who looks like he can come in and contribute. Maybe Barbie can give him a welcome-to-the-team blow job, and afterwards, Johnson can call him ‘bitch’.

DFN Report: Brett Favre.

Go Cowboys!