… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

The two burning questions on the lips of the football world following Jerry’s Taj Mahal debut were not related to how good (or bad) our football team is, but rather, they concerned the Behemoth itself.

First, where’s the frickin’ star? The 50 yard line was conspicuously bare, without the most recognizable logo in the NFL. Team officials, including JJ, assure us that the star will be in its rightful place come Sunday, Sept. 20th, opening night against the Giants, for the entire world to see.

Second, is the massive video board suspended above the field too low? The Titans punter hit it during the game once, and apparently hit it multiple times in warm-ups just to see if he could, much to the displeasure of Jerry. (“Hey, son, that thing you’re hittin’ up there cost me 40 million dollars.”) Now everyone wants Jerry to raise it up a few feet and Jerry says no way. He maintains that it fits league specs, and he’s ready to fight about it. I haven’t heard if Der Furor Goodell has gotten into the middle of the controversy yet, but you can all be sure that he has a new headache as a result.

I’m a little hesitant to say this, it being preseason and all, but we looked really good against Tennessee. The first team played the whole first half, and Tony moved the ball very well… we just need to score more points. Our first team Defense held the Titans to very little, begging the question ‘are we that good on D, or are they that bad on O’. Could be a little of both. One thing stood out; Witten and Ware are our two best players.

Next we get San Francisco’s sissy gayboy Forty-Whiners for preseason game 3. They still can’t figure out who their QB is going to be, but Mike Singletary will definitely make them better than they were last year. I know that they haven’t been very good in the last few years, but we still get to hate them for a single lucky-ass blind-throw play made in the early eighties. Kill Joe.

DFN Report: Plaxico Burress was sentenced to two years in prison for being stupid. That’s a pretty harsh penalty. He’s 34 now. It seems unlikely he’ll ever have a future in the NFL getting out of prison at age 36. Plaxico, in a prepared statement, said, “Babbada beebudda whappaduh doobudduh, maan. I mean sheeeit, football.”

Who can argue with that? Thanks, Plax.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

So our starters actually beat the Raiders starters 7-3 in the short amount of time that they were in there, and then the backups, led by our all-star special Olympics first round draft pick Barbie Carpenter, stank up the place and made the Raiders third string QB Gradkowski look All-Pro. For those of you who paid no attention to the first preseason game (ie. the smart ones of you out there), we lost to the Raiders 31-10. Conclusion: the second and third stringers need a lot of work, and our first team Offense and Defense look good so far in limited action.

Now we get ready to see the brand new Ultimate Behemoth Cowboys Stadium for the very fist time Friday night, Aug. 21st, as we meet the Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks in our second preseason game. The tit-ans were good last year, starting 11-0, and then did their very best Cowboys imitation, faltered down the stretch, and lost in the playoffs. An all-too-familiar story for the Dallas faithful. Look for the starters to play at least the entire first quarter this game, which will give us some idea of where we stand.

OK. Let’s talk Super Bowl. There’s one big reason why we’ll be there, and one big reason why we won’t be there as NFC Champions. First, the reason we win the NFC:

Tony and Jessica broke up! Now he can concentrate on football, and get laid on the road like all the other single guys in the NFL.

Now the reason why we won’t even win our division, much less the conference: Free Reign.

We’re in trouble. Three of our Offensive linemen, (Marc Colombo, Cory Procter, and “Big” Leonard Davis) have teamed up with one of Big Leonard’s high school buddies to form a (very) heavy metal band. (They all weigh in excess of 300 lbs). Their promoter says they have “limitless marketing potential”. Theeeerrre’s some good news. I’d rather see them have limitless mauling potential on the offensive line. These guys need to concentrate on football, and do their head banging on the field, not on stage.

Our favorite dfn, Michael Vick, was signed by the Iggles… what a surprise. Let Philly suffer the same fate as The Best Team In Football and try their hand at rehabbing a felon and assimilating him into their ranks. Ask JJ, it doesn’t work. Eagles spokesman, Dick Cumstain, said in a prepared statement, “Mr. Vick is out of prison now, and doggone it, it’s time to let him off the leash. He’s been working like a dog to get back into shape during these dog days of summer. We need him in our division because the NFC East is the toughest in football. We’re not barking up the wrong tree here. It’s going to be a real dogfight to win it”. Maybe Donna McNabb can get hurt, and the Cowboys can play against Vick. That’d be fun.

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe!

p.s. Who’s this Bert Farve guy they keep talking about?

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Dear Cowboys faithful,

After a purposefully long 3-month absence from the Updates in order to allow the tragedy of the Cowboys training facility collapse to heal somewhat, I again will bombard you all with worthless information and drivel commentary on The Best Team In Football, our beloved Cowboys. I just couldn’t possibly begin to write anything that was even close to humorous after the injuries suffered by the scouting assistant, Rich Behm, so I gave it a rest.

Now onto the important stuff, like what the hell are we doing this year, and why we don’t have a single draft pick that any of us could name. Training camp is upon us, and Wade’s cupcake approach appears to be Hx. It’s 21 days of practices in San Antonio, including 11 two-a-days, and it’s the time of year when everyone is a Super Bowl contender. I’d like to think of myself as a glass half-full kinda guy, but there are just too many question marks surrounding this team to not have some pessimistic views as well.

Optimistic: we really improved our team speed, made our roster younger, and improved our special teams with this draft.

Pessimistic: we released the most productive WR in the league over the past three years and our highest paid DB and now our salary cap dollars are wasted, and we did nothing solid to replace them.

Optimistic: our wide receivers step it up and we don’t even miss T.O.

Pessimistic: Roy (WR) Williams is a complete bust and sets us back 3 years offensively.

O: Tony has another banner year, makes the Pro Bowl again, and leads us to our first Playoff victory since ’96.

P: Tony continues to be good, but not great, and keeps us in fourth place in the NFC (ala Danny White).

O: We go 12-4, win the East, and win our 6th Super Bowl.

P: We go 9-7 again, faltering down the stretch just as in years past, miss the playoffs, and Wade gets fired.

O: We get some fresh ideas on Offense and create a dynamic and confusing scheme for defenses to plan for with a heavy dose of Felix Jones.

P: We continue to be a predictable team that Ray Lewis called “an easy offensive scheme” after we lost miserably to the Ravens in the last game ever at Texas Stadium.

I guess what I’m getting at is that this year looks wide open to go either way. We could really win it all. Of course that would require all of our key players to remain healthy throughout the entire season and the playoffs. We could really stink up the place, have lots of injuries, and it could turn into one of those turn off the tv in the second half because all hope is lost kind of seasons too. I’ll remain ever optimistic.

DFN Report: Michael Vick is looking for a new team. Who knows if Her Furor Goodell will let him play, (he of the arbitrary sentences), assuming a team even hires him back into the league. I think the best fit would be in Cleveland, where, after he scores a touchdown, he could do his version of a Lambeau Leap into the Dog Pound.

I’ll also be keeping an eye on Plaxico (named after his father’s failed condom) and his legal troubles. “Oops, I forgot to not shoot myself with an illegal gun in a place that sells alcohol.”

Predictions:

Stanback gets cut because he’s always hurt and too stupid to learn how to run as fast as he can down the sideline and catch the f’n football over his shoulder. I’m done with this guy.

Barbie Carpenter, our favorite first round special teams player, still can’t crack the starting lineup, and gets traded for a 5th round future pick to the Bengals. It will be a bittersweet day for Cowboys Nation.

Jesse Holley, the winner of Michael Irvin’s 4th and Long reality show on Spike tv, is the first guy cut from camp.

Tony marries Jessica after being named MVP of the Super Bowl. Right. And monkeys are gonna fly outta my butt.

We finish 11-5, win one playoff game, celebrate, then get annihilated the next game.

At least we get to beat the Raiders on Thanksgiving this year.

Go Cowboys! And as always, kill Joe!