… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Dear Cowboys Faithful,

The big question on all of the tiny brains of the professional draft pundits is, “Where will Mark Sanchez go, and at what number pick?” The latest thinking says top 5, for those of you paying no attention; ie. the smart ones of the bunch.

First of all, who the fak cares?

Second, he’s terribly over-rated. (is that word hyphenated? Only the anal-retentive know for sure…because they’ve looked it up already…twice) (ten times if you’re OCD)

Third, Matt Leinert is a better quarterback, and he’s riding the bench right now behind a guy almost as old as me!

Mark “Dirty” Sanchez is no prize, and the media covering the NFL draft are making him out to be the next Peyton Manning. (We won’t go so far as to compare him to the great Troy Aikman) I hope he drops down, out of the first round. Now I wonder, is it a dirty sanchez, or a nasty sanchez? I think that the two are interchangeable, just different regionally. The dirty sanchez being an east coast term, and the nasty sanchez more of a west coast term, but I may be wrong. Maybe someone who lives in Houston could tell me the difference. J

I got more feedback in response to my last Update regarding my car than Jay Cutler. What does that tell us?

I’ll continue the rant after the draft.

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe!

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So I’m with Shana driving to the Tubes concert in our BMW, and I think to myself, “Do I really want to see some 60 year old guy in assless chaps sing a bunch of retro songs from the 80’s about tv and our decrepit society?” And then I thought, “Would I have ever dreamed that I’d be going to a Tubes concert in a 5-series BMW in 2009, instead of my old ’72 Dodge Dart in 1981?” Which then made me think about the 80’s in general; which then made me think about … yes, of all things, Danny White (the antithesis of Fee Waybill).

Cowboys Nation, let us pause for a moment and remember the QB that took the Best Team in Football and (annually) came in fourth place; Danny White. Now, I didn’t hate Dannyboy, it’s just that we had such great teams back then and could never get over the hump and win another championship with him at the helm. Remember: Tony D. only won one Super Bowl, and that was his rookie year with Roger Staubach at QB.

I mention this because it just seems too reminiscent of these days with Tony Romo. A good QB, possibly on the verge of becoming a great one, Romo will always be measured by how many titles he won; which so far is zero.

Which brings us to the quarterback story of the year – Jay Cutler. Living in Denver has been interesting this off-season, if for nothing else but to get inundated with Jay Cutler stories on the radio. Yes, he’s got a cannon for an arm; yes, he’s a whiny little brat. But my favorite Jay Cutler story was not heard on the radio; rather, it was told to me by a patient in my office.

My patient is Brandon Marshall’s PR agent, and she has a very attractive friend, Rene, that got introduced to Jay Cutler. (I’ll try to keep this short) She lends her cell phone to Rene. Rene gives Jay the cell phone number. Rene gives the phone back to my patient. She then lends the phone to her brother. (I know. Why can’t these people get their own damn phones?) Brother now has the phone, and gets a 2 am booty call from Jay by text message.

Jay: Hey, can I come over? (thinking he’s texting Rene)

Bro: Who is this?

Jay: It’s me

Bro: Me, who?

Jay: Jay

Bro: Jay who?

Jay then calls the number. “Is Rene there?” (sounding drunk)

Bro: Dude. It’s two o’clock in the morning. Who are you and what do you want?

Jay: It’s Jay

Bro: Jay who?

Jay: Jay Cutler, Asshole!

Bro: No. You’re the asshole. (and hangs up)

At least he’s not gay… which brings us to the next subject: T.O.

Jeff, you asked me in the middle of last season if I’d ever seen T.O. with a woman. I answered no. Maybe Jerry Jones had heard a rumor and, acting like the good Texan homophobe that we can all agree he most likely is, he cut Owens. I guess now T.O. will be with the Buffalo “Three Dollar” Bills.

OK. Let’s get to the draft. We have the following picks: (2)51, (3)69, (4)101, (4)117, (5)156, (5)166, (5)172, (6)197, (6)208, (7)210, and (7)227.

No way Jerry stands pat and picks 11 guys. Look for some packaging of picks to move up or to defer to next year. Right now we need a safety, a WR, O-line and D-line depth, another corner, and some help at inside linebacker. So far our number one draft pick Special (Olympics) Teams player Barbie Carpenter has been a bust at inside LB, and has set our defense back several years by the wasted nepotistic Bill Parcells pick 3 years ago. No other team will even trade for him. He either performs this year or he’s gonna get cut. Roy Williams had better perform like a number one pick too, or else this year is gonna be ugly.

Predictions: Brian’s Lions pass on Matt Stafford with the number one overall pick because he won’t sign for reasonable money, and they can’t afford another number one bust.

The best sure-thing guy in the draft is Wake Forest LB Aaron Curry. No doubts.

The Cowboys will be lucky to get one starter in this draft.

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe!