… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Gosh, how do I put this? We suck.

As the E-girls continued to capitalize on our holiday spirit of giving (ie. turnovers) Wade Phillips stood there on the sideline like a vacant mouth-breather with his thumb up his ass and did nothing. Way to go, Wade. Good coaching job, Wade. A nutless monkey could do your job with better results, Wade. Seriously, a nutless monkey.

We turned the ball over twice with two fumbles in the red zone in the opening minutes of the second half, both of which were returned for touchdowns. If we convert those into our own TD’s, then it’s a 27-17 game. We would have been in it. We lose the ball twice just before halftime on a Tony Romo interception and a Pacman fumble, which the E-girls convert into a touchdown and a field goal. Even if we don’t score before halftime, and just run out the clock, it’s only 17-3 at half instead of 27-3. That’s some great coaching there. Our offense looked pitiful. We may as well have had on Santa suits for all the gift–giving we did on the field. Merry Christmas, Philadelphia.

On the bright side, at least we can’t lose in the playoffs.

All predictions aside, I’m now pulling for Carolina to win it all. I think I might just shit a Buick if the Giants or the Steelers win another Super Bowl.

Happy New Year!

I’ll continue the rant next year. And, as always,

Go Cowboys!

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Dear Cowboys Faithful,

One week after playing a great game against the Giants, we send Texas Stadium off with a real stinker. If we play like that, we deserve to lose. I mean, giving up two long runs of 77 and 82 yards in the closing minutes of a tight game is absolutely unacceptable. It’s called tackling…look into it.

Now we have to beat the E-girls in Philly to make the playoffs. It’s that simple. Win, we’re in. Lose, and go home. Our playoffs start Sunday afternoon.

Prediction: Cowboys 23 – E-girls 13

The Redskins just beat them, so we should be able to do the same. It’s time to suck it up and play like you want to win. It’s time to kill Joe.

Playoff predictions: NFC

#1 seed NYG first round bye

#2 seed Carolina first round bye

#3 seed Minnesota

#4 seed Arizona

#5 seed Atlanta

#6 seed Dallas

Atlanta goes to the desert and beats the Cardinals; Cowboys go to Minnesota and beat the Vikings.

Then the Falcons go to Carolina and lose, and the Cowboys go to the swamplands of Jersey and beat the Giants.

NFC Championship game: Dallas beats the Panthers in Carolina

AFC predictions:

#1 seed Titans first round bye

#2 seed Pittsburgh first round bye

#3 seed Miami

#4 seed San Diego

#5 seed Indianapolis

#6 seed Baltimore

The Ravens go to Miami and beat the Dolphins: the Colts go to San Diego and beat the Chargers.

Baltimore loses to the Titans in Tennessee, and the Colts beat Pittsburgh.

AFC Championship game: Indy beats the Titans in Nashville.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

We all know what wins championships: DEFENSE. Since being called out, Wade Phillips has actually been coaching the defense, and he’s doing a good job. Our DC, Brian Stewart, needs to be updating his resume right about now because he sucked when our defense was his responsibility earlier in the year. Our defense looked great against She-li and co. Sunday night at Texas Stadium. We are now looking like we were supposed to look all along; dominant. That was no mistake the Cowboys made in giving Demarcus Ware # 94. The last guy to wear that number was Charles Haley. The last time we had a good pass rush was with, you guessed it, Charles Haley. We sacked She-li 8 times, and intercepted him twice. Three of those sacks were by Ware, both picks by Newman. Demarcus set the tone early by sacking Manning on the first play the Giants had from scrimmage. We held the Giants to no touchdowns, the first game in over two years for them to not reach the end zone (Manning’s favorite place, if ya know what I mean). Tony looked good, and did not turn the ball over. Last week against Pittsburgh, that was the only reason why we lost. We committed five turnovers, four of them on Romo; hard to beat any team with those numbers, much less a good team like the Steelers. But it was nice to see someone (us) knock the shit out of Eli Manning.

Now we turn our sights to the Ravens, who visit Texas Stadium for the first time for the last game ever to be played there. At the beginning of the season, it looked like a scheduling mishap. Why would anyone with any sense of history want the Cowboys to play Baltimore in the last game ever at Texas Stadium? Why not an NFC East rival? Well, now it looks as though there was some premonition running through the NFL’s tiny brain after all. The Ravens are fighting for their own playoff lives, as are we. This is turning out to be one of those proverbial do-or-die games for both sides. We’re also looking at two of the best defenses in the league going at each other on Saturday night. Look for Roy WR Williams to finally have a breakout game. T.O. will likely get double coverage all night. If we can somehow make Tony’s game-losing interception against Pittsburgh be his last one of the season, then I think we will, in fact, win the Super Bowl. If Romo continues to throw picks, especially at crucial times, then our chances for another title are nil.

Prediction: Cowboys 16 – Ravens 12

This game will be all about defense. Kill Joe.

OK. I get emails on suggestions for new recipients for the DFN Award. There’s no DFN this week, but I do have some other awards to hand out.

The DFP Award: Gov. Blagojevich, D-Illinois. For some reason this guy thought it would be ok to sell a Senate seat for cash and assorted political favors, and then deny any wrongdoing. “Oops, I forgot to not solicit bribes.” Moron.

The DFJ Award: Bernard Madoff, Securities Investment Advisor/ Ponzi schemer. It looks as though Bernie “made off” with billions of other people’s dollars. “Oops, I forgot to not dupe my clients.”

The DFF Award: Blake Gideon, Freshman Safety, Univ. of Texas. Can’t catch the easiest lollipop floater for an interception in the Texas Tech game which ultimately leads to Texas being denied a trip to the Big 12 Championship game and thus the BCS Title game. This also cost Colt McCoy the Heisman Trophy. “Oops, I forgot to catch the most important ball of my life.” I see duct tape, and a jock full of Atomic Balm, in his future.

Go Cowboys!

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OK. So I’m sitting on my couch, it’s tied 13-13 with just under two minutes left to play in the 4th quarter, and I say to myself, “Self, I think Tony Romo is gonna throw an interception for a touchdown. Adam “I-can’t-hold-onto-the-flippin’-ball-no-mo’ Pacman” Jones set us up with shitty field position on the kickoff return after Pittsburgh just tied the game, which forces us into bad play call situations, and I can see it coming. He’s gonna throw a pick, and we’re gonna lose this game that we should have won.”

Shit. Sometimes I hate it when I’m right. Of course, I would have loved being right about my prediction of us winning. Alright, we’re 8-5 now. Still a shot at 11-5, as I said we would be at the start of the season. Still time to get hot against the Giants, the Ravens, and Philly, and take momentum into the playoffs. The Colts look as good as anyone in the AFC right now, and they’re only 9-4. There’s still a shot at that Dallas-Indy Super Bowl. It’s just that the hopes of Cowboys Nation are now fading fast. Had we beaten Pittsburgh like we should have, then we’d be considered the hottest team in the NFC right now. Instead, we’re an also ran, fighting for a playoff spot, watching the Steelers get all the accolades at 10-3 after beating us. I’m disgusted. Once again, the Cowboys play the toughest December schedule in the league, and have now continued down our losing road in the last month of the season with our 4th quarter collapse in Pittsburgh. Now is the time to Cowboy up. “Wait till next year” and “we’ll get ‘em next time” are unacceptable vernacular at this point.

Prediction: Cowboys 24 – NYG 17

Our playoffs start this Sunday night…so the whole of Cowboys Nation will be watching on national TV. Time to kill Joe. If we lose this game, then we might be out. If we lose the next three games, them Wade Phillips might be out.

Go Cowboys!

p.s. BCS (Been Caught Snoozin’) or (Behemoth Colossal Shithole) games to look for this coming January: Texas 63 – Ohio State 0, and Florida 59 – Oklahoma 0.

It should have been Texas –vs- Florida, plain and simple.

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The DFN Award is a most special, highly coveted award, which could not possibly be handed out on a weekly basis. We wouldn’t want to cheapen the effect. But, I am open to nominations from the Nation, if a deserving recipient may be out there that I may have missed.

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Dear Cowboys Nation,

We play Pittsburgh this Sunday. We have to win this one. All the “experts” on tv have us losing this game to the almighty Steelers defense. We, however, are just hitting our stride this season. Unlike the previous years where we suffer our traditional monumental collapse in December, this year sees us at a point where we have the potential to peak, and thus surprise a few teams. We will win Sunday.

The Steelers are sitting at 9-3 right now, and we, the lowly Cowboys, are a mere 8-4. What a mismatch! No wonder all the experts are picking Pittsburgh! Advantage Dallas.

The Steelers are a lock to win their division. We are fighting for our playoff lives. Advantage Dallas.

The Steelers have a QB that stands like a statue in the pocket, and gets sacked a lot. We have Demarcus Ware. Advantage Dallas.

Tony Romo moves well, avoids pressure, and is one of the least sacked QB’s in the NFL. Advantage Dallas.

They are favored to win at home. We are in a must win situation, they are not. We will win Sunday.

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – Pittsburgh 28

And speaking of the Steelers, former Steeler, and soon to be former New York Giant, Plaxico Burress found himself in a bit of a sticky wicket last weekend, and is this week’s recipient of the DFN Award. You will all recall that he was formally noted to be a head case back in the Week 6 Update. It seems that Plaxico, who, incidentally, was named after a plastics company (as if by some odd chance his mother had seen the movie The Graduate), thought that it might be a good idea to pack a handgun into the waistband of his sweatpants and go out clubbing in New York City last Friday night. Seriously, he was wearing sweatpants to a night club. The fashion police should have arrested him before the NYPD got there. I’m surprised that he didn’t have a Yankees cap on sideways and a ghetto blaster on his shoulder pounding out 50-Cent. So the .40 caliber pistol starts to slide down the inside of his sweatpants down his leg, and he reaches to get the gun, and shoots himself in his thigh. Way to keep the safety on, Plaxico. When asked for comment after the incident, Plaxico said, “Oops, I forgot to not shoot myself.” I can’t wait to see what der furor Goodell has to say about this one.

Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman” Jones has been reinstated by the Nazi and will play on Sunday. Jones has been given the One-and-Done death penalty decree and will face permanent expulsion from the league if he screws up again. Pacman went through alcohol rehab after his last incident, and is now ready to play. Said Jones, “Hey, at least I didn’t shoot myself.”

BCS News: Okla-homo football coach, Bob Stoops, set a new NCAA record by giving 42 blowjobs Saturday night to the voting sports writers from the east coast so that they would vote OU over Texas in the BCS rankings. Apparently OU getting crushed in the second half and losing to Texas by 10 points was less important than Texas losing to Tech on the last desperate play of the game by 6 points in the minds of those that have nothing to do with the Big 12 Conference. Go Missouri.

Kill Joe.

Go Cowboys.