… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Happy Thanksgiving to all.

This is our uniquely American holiday, and we, as Americans, celebrate it by overeating and watching America’s Team play football. God I love this country!

I think the best job in America would be to be the NFL commissioner. You get to arbitrarily hand down fines and suspensions with no real guideline to follow, just the whim of your fancy. You get to ignore that the sport you govern is the most gambled upon sport in the world. You get to admonish players and coaches for their behavior that does not affect the games, and turn a blind eye toward the referees whose blatantly missed calls do affect the games and the millions of dollars bet on them and the point spreads. You even get to be the leader of an industry that has players of a game that don’t know that they can end in a tie! Oh, and you get to be a prick about it because you’re not really an elected official. Man, I want that job. Sadly, I went to medical school instead of law school, so it’s not likely to happen. Maybe I should have gone to suck-up-kiss-ass-ignore-the-issues Nazi training school like Mein Her Der Furor Goodell, and then maybe I could get that sweet job.

Our beloved Dallas Cowboys are now in the stretch run of the season, and winning has never been more important than now. After beating the forty-whiners by 13 points last Sunday, we get our traditional 3 days rest and play Seattle on Thursday this week. The Romo-to Owens connection seemed to get a wake up call with T.O. getting 213 yards receiving, and our defense played well in the red zone for once. And how about Carlos Polk getting signed a few weeks ago, activated to play for the first time this year, and comes in and blocks a punt for a safety! Where’s that been all year?

Four of our last six games of the season are at home this year. We need to take advantage of that and win those games. It looks like we’re going to have to do to the Giants what they did to us last year, which is beat them on the road in the playoffs. We could very well end up with the second best record in the NFC, and only be the 5th seed in the playoffs because we did not win our division. If that ends up being the case, then we could be favored to beat a division winner on the road in the playoffs. Rare, to say the least.

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – Seahawks 21

They’re better than their record. We need to put the hammer down. We can’t let Julius Jones come back to Texas Stadium and beat us.

BCS News: Texas is still ranked ahead of OU, even with the one-loss ménage a’trois at the top of the Big 12 South with Texas Tech. The Longhorns’ ten point win over OU is turning out to be bigger than we thought it would be. I think Florida will beat Alabama in the SEC Championship game, and Texas should beat up on A&M on Thanksgiving night and then dispose of Missouri (again) in the Big 12 Championship game, setting up a really good BCS Championship game between Texas and Florida. The LOUsers will just have to sit at home and watch Texas win another national title. Hook’em Horns!

I’ll continue the rant next week. Can someone get me two pickets to Titsburgh?

Go Cowboys!

p.s. Will somebody please smack the shit out of Eli Manning?

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I love the smell of pounding the ball down the Redskins’ throat in the fourth quarter. It smells like victory.

Cowboys Nation, that was a satisfying performance that The Best Team In Football displayed for the world to see on national television on Sunday night. I know that Tony still has a bad grip on the ball with his finger injury, and that he had two interceptions deep in Deadskin territory to keep the game much closer than it should have been, but MB3 looked the part of Barbarian like he had yet to show all season, and that is why it was satisfying. He gets a game ball. Workhorse, stud, bruiser, pick a word; he was it.

Terrence Newman also had his best game of the year to date on Sunday night. Shutting down Santana Moss, getting a pick, and actually making tackles will go a long way toward winning. He gets a game ball, too. Good thing we called him out and he cleared that nasty.

Now we have two consecutive home games against clearly inferior NFC West teams, the Forty-Whiners and Seattle. Both teams are a whopping 3-7 right now, and we need to take care of business in a huge way. Blocking and tackling. Blocking and tackling. Broken record fundamentals.

Prediction: Cowboys 34 – SF 6

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe!

Hook’em Horns!

p.s. Just got back from New England. I highly recommend the twins for $14.99. Go to the Round Rock Inn in Hampton/Seabrook, New Hampshire. Ask for Darcy.

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Cowboys Nation,

It’s Redskins week again, and we really need this win. With Tony Romo back in the lineup, our Offense should not be as anemic as it has been over the last three games. Brad “Check Down” Johnson just couldn’t get the ball past the line of scrimmage. It looked like he was throwing a shot put, not a football. This will also be our first opportunity to see Roy WR Williams in the lineup as a starter. If we can get T.O. and Roy off to a hot start in this game then we might just have a chance to beat the Deadskins. Of course, a lot of our success (or lack thereof) will have to do with our O-line showing up to play or not. Maybe Flozell can come out of his early retirement for this game now that his left side of the line mate Kyle Kosier is back from his pedicure injury. Oh, and Terrence Newman’s vaginal infection seems to have cleared also. Ain’t that a bitch when there’s too much cheese on the taco?

I was watching MNF this week (a game in which the 49ers should have beaten the Cards, having had a first and goal at the two with 40 seconds left in the game) and I was fascinated by the post-game interview with Cardinals QB Kurt Warner, the recipient of this week’s False Piety Award. ESPN’s Suzy Kolber asked Warner, “what were you thinking when they had the ball down there at the goal line?” Warner replied, “I was just hoping our Defense could stop them.” Kolber followed up, “what were you thinking when they stopped them?” Warner responded, “I was thinking how awesome God is.” I’m going to start using that line as a standard response to questions.

“Hey Vice-President Cheney, what were you thinking just after you shot your friend in the face with your shotgun?” “Oh, uh, I was just thinking how awesome God is.” Not too shabby. It probably works in all sorts of situations. “Hey there young alterboy, what were you thinking when the priest….” I think I’ll stop there.

What we need is a ten game winning streak, finishing 12-4, with a first round bye, two playoff victories, and capped off with our sixth Super Bowl win. But first we have to beat the Foreskins in Maryland.

Prediction: Cowboys 27 – Wash. 23

Kill Joe!

Go Cowboys!

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Fellow Cowboy Fans,

We have come to the all important bye week in our schedule that, this year, essentially marks the halfway point in our season. So far we suck. And I say that with all due respect to the hard working folks who are responsible for putting this team that we love so dearly on the field each eagerly anticipated Sunday. At 5-4, we clearly need to change some things to get more wins and make the playoffs. The giants kicked our butts. And no, it didn’t feel good. After this week’s bye, we play at Washington, who just lost to Pittsburgh, who just lost to the Giants, who just beat us. We need to block for our QB, whoever it may be at the time, and we need to learn how to f’n tackle somebody. When you lose like we’ve been losing, you need to go back to the fundamentals.

At the halfway point, we can reflect on what this season has been so far. I said before the season started that we would go 11-5. I think that last year we were really an 11-5 team, we just won two games that we should have lost; Detroit and at Buffalo. This year’s version of our 11-5 team may just go 9-7, having lost two games already this year that we should have won; Washington and at Arizona. The luck we had last year has run out. It’s that easy to go from 13-3 to 9-7 in this league.

Let’s look at the injuries on which everyone is blaming our misfortune:

Tony Romo – finger fracture. Actually just an excuse to not go ring shopping with Jessica.

Terrence Newman – vaginitis

Kyle Kosier – pedicure infection

Felix Jones – ovarian cysts

Roy (Safety) Williams – manicure accident

Jason Witten – bruised ego

Flozell Adams – early retirement. He just failed to notify the team.

Wade Phillips – acute boot removal from ass. Boot was monogrammed with initials JJ.

We need to do more than just kill Joe, we need to play some fuckin’ football for once. I’m tired of watching this much talent get wasted by poor coaching decisions. We can’t win just by showing up in the uniforms of The Best Team In Football, we also have to play like them too.

Go Cowboys!

p.s. Yes, it will be painful actually rooting for OSU and OU to beat Tech. It would be very nice to see both Penn State and Alabama lose too. Hook’em Horns!