… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

It looks as though the Defense, as well as the coaching staff, has finally awakened, and put forth the effort that we faithful have known they were capable of doing all along. Although our interim QB, Brad “Swing Pass” Johnson, got the job done (barely) without throwing an interception, it was our defense that won that game over Tampa Bay on Sunday. We didn’t allow a TD in their four trips inside the red zone, giving up only 9 points: a season best thus far. Of course our faltering Offense only scored 13 points, but a win is a win, and we’ll take whatever any team wants to give us in that category. Now we head into the swamplands of new jersey to play the midget Gnats in what is turning out to be a crucial game for our hometown ‘Boys. Can somebody please smack the shit out of Eli(zabeth) Manning?

Eli Manning held his annual youth football camp over the summer this year, and “got to know” some of the kids in attendance. Seth Petkovsky, a 10 year old boy from Newark, became one of Eli’s “special friends” who was told to keep “their little secret”. Seth said, ”When I saw Eli naked I realized he had Ed Zachary disease. You know, his face looks Ed Zachary like his ass. Thank God he has a tiny wiener, or else my butt would really be sore”. When pressed for comment, Manning stated, “Whether it’s the kids, or one of my teammates, it doesn’t matter to me. They’re all pink on the inside”. Even though he got married after the Super Bowl earlier this year, Manning is still trying to maintain his MSM (Men who have Sex with Men) status. He’s banking on his United Way commercials to help him meet more new “friends” in the future.

Side note: I just want this damn election to be OVER. I’m sick of all the BS on TV and radio. Sarah “Just answer the fucking question” Palin is a moron. John McCain selected The Nincompoop From Nowhere to be his running mate because he needed someone to accompany him at banquets and cut his meat. Cindy McCain was tired of doing it, and it just became an embarrassment to her. Be sure to watch Fox News for election results and unbiased reporting.

Back to more important things. We may see Brooks Bollinger at QB against the Gnats on Sunday. He’s much more mobile than Johnson, but he’ll probably throw two or three picks and we’ll get killed. If we go 5-4 into the bye week, then we’ll have to get healthy and go on a tear through Nov.-Dec. to win the East, much less earn a playoff berth as a wild card. I still think we can go 11-5.

Prediction: Cowboys 20 – Giants 16

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe!

I’ll continue the rant later,

p.s. Hook’em Horns! BEAT TECH!

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Cowboys Nation,

Ouch! Looks like I had the predicted score results backward last week, as the lowly Lambs of St. Louis beat our ass to a pulp. Was that the Cowboys playing out there, because it certainly didn’t look like them? Tony Romo missed his first start since taking over the starting job from the frozen statue, Drew Bledsoe, in the middle of the ’06 season. It looks like he’ll be out for several weeks with his broken hand. I say hand, instead of finger, because the report I read said it was a metacarpal fracture, not a phalangeal fracture. It’s like a boxer’s fracture, and you can’t grip with an injury like that when you have a splint on it. T.O. had better get used to the idea that Johnson is the QB, and Johnson had better get used to the fact that “tag, he’s it”. We’re on the proverbial high-wire, without the proverbial net. Roy WR Williams needs to step into the Offense in a hurry.

Speaking of Offense, that’s the side of the ball that Romo plays. TONY ROMO DOES NOT PLAY DEFENSE. Why does our Defense suck so badly when our QB is injured? Brian Stewart, our Defensive Coordinator, is not utilizing the talent at his disposal. I’m being kind. He sucks like a Kirby. (I should know, I sold them for four days) He hasn’t established our front, our linebackers don’t know their assignments, and our secondary couldn’t make a play at the high school level. Stewart has chipped away at the foundation of our Defense. Now their confidence is low, and they are questioning their own ability against Offenses that they should be able to stop. Wade needs to earn his money this week and show us a Defense that can win a game, because our Offense is sputtering without Tony in there.

Adam “Pacman” Jones entered an alcohol treatment center this week. Former Longhorn Ricky Williams called Pacman to offer his support by telling him, “Dude, rehab is for quitters”. When reached for comment, Pacman was quoted saying, ”Sheeeit, maaan”.

Even though Tampa Bay will likely come into Texas Stadium and whip our ass, I will watch faithfully, and yell at the TV just like every other Sunday. Look for a low scoring game, and a margin of victory of less than 7 points.

Prediction: Cowboys 20 – Tampa Bay 17

Go Cowboys!

Hook’em Horns!

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Cowboys Nation,

What the fuck? We can’t block, as evidenced by our Pro Bowl QB getting mangled all day and our punter getting killed on the last play of the game (and his last punt of the year), and we can’t tackle, as evidenced by giving up a kickoff return for a TD on the first play of the game. It always seems to happen like that with the Cowboys. I think that was the first time in NFL history that a team scored a TD on both the first and last plays of the game, and of course it was against the Cowboys. We always make some nobody look All-Pro, or some guy has his first NFL TD against us (Steve Breaston), or we create some new stat like the first team to have a punt blocked in OT to lose a game. Oh goody! More records for us!

Tony Romo broke the pinkie finger on his right (throwing) hand on the first play of overtime. We promptly go 3-and-out, and lose on the next play. We gave up two special teams TD’s. Yea! Go Cowboys! Tony was originally projected to be out 4 weeks with the fracture, but now he says he’s gonna Cowboy up and play. WWBFD? [What would Brett Favre do?] We also lost our star rookie, Felix Jones, for up to 2-4 weeks with a hamstring pull. Newman is out for 6-8 weeks (and possibly the rest of the year) after sports hernia surgery. And Sam Hurd was placed on IR for the remainder of the year after re-injuring his ankle and having surgery. Wait…it gets better.

Adam “Don’t call me Pacman because I’ve changed my ways” Jones lasted all of 6 weeks back in the NFL after his year-long suspension in 2007 before getting suspended again this week. He apparently got into an altercation with his bodyguard in a hotel lobby bathroom after a few too many adult beverages, and Mein Her Der Furor Roger Goodell got all pissy about it. When asked about the suspension, Pacman said in his fluent native tongue,”Sheeeit, man. If’n I’d a know’d they’z gonna do that shit ta me agin, I’d a got me some ho’s, too. At least I didn’t renounce Satan or nuthin’ like some other fool motherf*cker did las’ week.” Nice. Even his photo in the program at the games looks like a mug shot. He’s the obvious choice for this week’s DFN Award.

In other news, The Best Team in Football just signed WR Roy Williams (UT Longhorn alum) from Detroit, costing us our first round draft pick next year. With Hurd out, and Stanback looking more and more like a wasted draft pick, this looks like a great addition for our WR corps. This will move Crayton down the depth chart to the third receiver position, but that appears to be his natural spot anyway. Roy was definitely unhappy in Detroit (read winless), and thus far in the season has underachieved. Maybe getting onto a good team like the Cowboys will wake his ass up and he can start to catch the ball. The question now is, can he punt too? Hey Jerry, we need a punter!

Speaking of the Longhorns, it was great to see them throw down a whoopin’ on the Sooner-be-losers from OU. It looked like their cheerleaders would Sooner eat than cheer, too. Now we just need to take care of business in the Big 12, and spank Alabama in the BCS Title game. Hook’em Horns.

Prediction: Cowboys 31 – Lambs 10

Brad Johnson or Tony Romo, it won’t matter. The Lambs are coming off of an emotional win over the Foreskins in D.C., and won’t have anything left to handle the Cowboys. We will emphasize the running game, tackling, and special teams this week, while we work Roy Williams into the offense slowly. Either that, or we’ll crumble like AIG. I don’t know.

I’ll continue the rant later.

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe!

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Cowboys Nation,

If someone had told me at the beginning of the season that we would be 4-1 after the first five games, then I would have been OK with that. But why is it that I feel we have underachieved so far? I predicted an 11-5 season this year. Not because I thought we would be worse than last year, but because I thought that the rest of the league would be better and somewhat catch up with us. I really think we can do much better than 11-5. We need to play our best each week, and not leave the door open for inferior teams to beat us. It always seems to happen once or twice a season, but why the fucking Redskins? At least we were able to handle Ocho Stinko, and squeaked out a win against the Bungles.

We need to recapture the fire, that intensity that we were showing when we were winning easily. The main problem that I saw at the game in Dallas two weeks ago was that no one was firing off of the line of scrimmage. The receivers just kind of jogged into their routes. The O-line sat back and waited to get hit instead of hitting them first. Subsequently we had covered receivers, and no running game. Maybe the biggest problem that we have as a team right now is that Tony Romo is no longer playing with a smile on his face. He just hasn’t looked like he did before. Take a look at the SI cover from Sept 1, 2008. Where’s that guy now? I’m just praying that he doesn’t turn into a head case (Plaxico Burress, Chris Henry, Kerry Collins, Ricky Williams).

We are on the road to the desert to play the Cardinals on Sunday. This is one of those improved teams this year on our schedule, and if we don’t play any better than we did against the Bengals, then we may just get beat. They are finding ways to run the ball and get it deep to their two very good receivers. I understand that Anquan Boldin will not play this week after Kurt Warner threw him a hospital pass and Boldin got his head caved in; so, one very good receiver. That doesn’t mean that we can let up on our pass defense. We still don’t have an interception from a DB yet this year. We have to turn up the intensity…in all three phases of the game.

At least Wade and Co. listened and got Felix the ball against Cincinnati. He’s the spark we need on offense. Newman is out (again) so we really need Adam “Don’t Call Me Pacman” Jones to step it up on defense. We need some picks! Kill Joe.

Prediction: Cowboys 28 – Cardinals 24

Go Cowboys!

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p.s. Texas Stadium is a dump. Jerry needs a new stadium.

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Dear Fellow Blue and Silver Bleeders,

After finally removing the boot from my ass, Shana and I limped home from Dallas, stunned from our bitterly disappointing performance against the hated Pigs in Dresses. It seems that Wade is working on a new offensive (and I mean offensive) strategy this year: incomplete pass, rush for no gain, incomplete pass, punt. It’s a formula, but it works! Usually we reserve this particular formula for our opponents, but apparently Wade wanted to give it a try last Sunday. Mmm. Tastes like chicken!

How we can possibly run MB3 only 8 times in the game for only 26 yards is absolutely beyond me. How we can leave our #1 draft pick that has scored in each of the first 3 games out of the offense is beyond me. Of course, how the refs can’t see blatant penalties that the whole stadium saw is beyond me too. Tony seems to be good for his one untimely interception per game. And our high-priced, highly vaunted secondary has yet to pick off a single pass this year. If it seems like I’m complaining, then you’re paying attention. We ran T.O. more than we ran Felix. Are you kidding? The Foreskins stuffed our rushing game, and were blanketing our receivers, and we don’t call a single screen pass. Are you kidding? A monkey rolling dice could call a better game! Lord help me, I’m about to pop a Berry. Soon I’ll have a right-sided facial droop with constant drool, and be dragging my left leg behind me like a wet mop.

Yes. I know. The sun came up on Monday morning, and all was well. Unless you are a Dallas Cowboy fan on Wall Street. Then the pain just doesn’t stop, does it? When I kept hearing about “it’s too big to fail” I thought they were talking about my cock.

OK. Now we have the winless Cincinnati Bungles. If we don’t annihilate these hapless kittens, then I think my blood pressure may just soar to new heights and that popped aneurysm may just happen. We will assert our dominance once again. We have to. Cowboys Nation will not stand for losing to inferior teams.

Prediction: Cowboys 38 – Cincinnati 10

We get our first interception(s) of the year, and Tony doesn’t throw any. (new strategy) J

Go Cowboys!