… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Last Friday night I was hanging out down at the Denver Chop House with Troy Aikman, talking about the Cowboys, UT, Austin, kids, the Fox network, etc… and he told me that he retired because of two things: his lower back pain, and the fact that, at the time in 2001, the Cowboys sucked, and he wanted no part of a team that could not be competitive. And you thought it was because he had so many concussions, didn’t you? Well, now he’s pretty excited about the Cowboys and their chances for a return to glory. So am I. Troy’s a nice guy, just in town to do the Donkeys – Aints game.

So far we have bitch-slapped the Packers, made chicken chunky soup out of the birds from Philly, and left a Cleveland Steamer on the Browns chest in our first three games, respectively. Now we come to week four and the Deadskins. God I hate that team. Pigs in dresses, loudmouth ignorant fans, and a whiney little pissant of an owner. If we ever need to kill Joe, now is the time to do it. After all, the old Redskin QB inspired the WAWBA battle cry from so many years ago. This will be another triumphant week in Cowboys Nation. Tony cannot, and will not, throw any more red zone interceptions. We have to play a cleaner game, with fewer penalties and no turnovers.

Prediction: Cowboys 42 – Foreskins 17

I’ll be at the game this week, sitting behind the Cowboys’ bench. (my wife loves me, what can I say?)

Ryder Cup:

Nick Faldo, that fine, handsome, mantastic, man’s man, after the solid thrashing of his European team, was heard asking the cheering crowds at Valhalla if they’d like to save some money on their car insurance. It seems that he needs to keep that day job.

I’ll continue the rant after I return (victorious) from Dallas.

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

Let me make this simple. We need to learn how to tackle. Wrap ‘em up, and not just grab a piece of jersey. We made Donna McNabb look way too good on Monday night. But the good news is that, even with the two critical mistakes, Tony Romo looked better. In our thrilling 41-37 win, he had over 300 yards passing for the second week in a row to start the season, with 3 TD’s. Obviously Wade wasn’t listening when I announced this year’s strategy for winning: field position and turnovers. Tony avoided a sack only to throw an interception on the play, which led to a short-field TD by the Egirls. And yes, he fumbled in the end zone for another Egirl TD. But in the end (which is where McNabb likes it) when we needed the plays to win, Tony had ice water in his veins, and McNabb had chunky soup in his.

The DFN of the week award goes to Desean Jackson, who celebrated his assumed TD a bit too early and threw the ball back into the field of play before crossing the goal line. Honorable Mention DFN of the week goes to Adam “don’t call me Pacman” Jones for not picking up the ball and running with it. So the ball just sits there, and then the ref blows the whistle to end the play, albeit too early. He gets the DFO award, along with Ed Hochuli, who gifted Jay Cutler a second chance in the Donkey’s “win” over San Diego. So, the refs now get to apologize for the mistakes that they should never be allowed to make in the age of instant replay, while Der Furor mein her Roger Goodell sits on his hands and does nothing. Why would he need to act on this? It didn’t happen at a night club, only on the field! Just tell the flippin’ refs to NOT blow the damn whistle until the play is OVER. Duh. Please someone tell me I’m not the only one out there that can see this.

Now we go to Green Bay, so we can again bitch slap Aaron Rodgers like we did last year. Fudgepackers. Should be a good game in Lambeau Sunday night.

Now we turn our sights to golf. Tomorrow is the first day of the Ryder Cup. The captain of the Euro team is Nick Faldo, who is apparently taking time off from his job as the voice of the Geico Gecko to attempt to beat our can’t-play-as-a-team American golfing boys. I understand that Mr. Faldo is quite the fine gentleman. A friend of mine once walked 5 holes with him during a practice round. Nick is a handsome man, a man’s man, simply man-tastic!

We need to kick some Euro butt this year. Kill Joe with a nine iron.

Prediction: Dallas 38 – Green Bay 24

How can we lose to a team whose uniforms look like baby poop and urine?

Go Cowboys!

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Cowboys Nation,

That was a good start. Beating the brownies handily 28-10 was fun to watch. It could have, and should have, been more. I was actually surprised that we had to punt. Tony looked great, completing 24 of 32 for 320 yds, but only one TD. The int he threw into the end zone is a mistake that has to be corrected in the future. If he does that against a better team, then it could lose us the game.

The excessive celebration 15 yd penalty against T.O. was for “touching the ground during the celebration”. I can’t wait to see the NFL enforce that rule against someone who kneels down in prayer after a TD. Let’s see Mein Furor Her Goodell explain that one, the f*n Nazi. Oh, and they missed the illegal contact penalty on Cleveland and called T.O. for an offensive pass interference when he brushed the illegal contact off his arm. Hmmmm. Looked like a hometown call to me. Oh well.

MB3 looked good. Felix looked good. Choice looked good. I like our running backs this year. No more Julius Jones tiptoeing into the pile in front of him.

Now we have the iggles. The she-gulls. The philly dirty birds. Everyone says we beat a patsy in Cleveland, but no one seems to think Philly got off easy in week one by playing those ferocious Lambs. Oh yeah, it’s Donna McNabb’s year. I almost forgot. We’ll see what happens Monday night in Big D in our home opener. Kill Joe.

I really didn’t think that one of my preseason predictions would come true this quickly, but, well, it happened. Someone actually smacked the shit out of Tom Brady. Now, I have to admit, I’m a little torn on this one. You see, I wanted someone to drive their helmet through his chest like a battering ram, leaving him gasping for air and coughing up blood all at the same time. Little else is gorier than open rib fractures with a sucking chest wound. But no. It had to be some safety hitting him at the tibial plateau of his left leg while he stepped into a throw. One ruptured ACL later and Brady’s season is history. I almost feel bad for him, but I don’t feel bad for Bill Belicheat or the Patsies.

Prediction: Cowboys 27 – Eagles 17

Go Cowboys!

p.s. We can’t possibly lose to a team whose uniforms look like molded philly cream cheese.

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I can’t wait for opening day. I’m about to pee my pants. We better fuckin beat the shit out of the brownies. I’ll be home, couching in HD. I think I’ll probably Heineken too.

Go cowboys.

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Cowboys Nation,

It’s upon us. Opening Day. We again need to assert our dominance over the rest of the NFL (and publicly display our awesomeness). Basically we just need to win the fuckin’ Super Bowl. (again)

So in last week’s update I was rooting for Danny Amendola to make the team. He got cut, cleared waivers, and was signed to the practice squad. OK, good enough. That meant that we did not have to cut one of those “last players” that I spoke of earlier. All the other cuts were accurate. Check it out.

Now we have to deal with the fact that we only have two healthy WR’s, T.O. and Crayton. Hurd, high ankle sprain, out 4-6 wks. Austin, MCL sprain, out 2-4 wks. Stanback, shoulder dislocation, unknown status, may play as early as opening day and may be out several wks, pussy.

We have a good offense. We have a good defense. Our special teams need a lot of work. We had a good season last year, but it wasn’t good enough. That brings us to the theme of this year’s Cowboys season: Going from Good to Great. That means we have a lot of work ahead of us. Wade and co. need to step it up this year and show us that they can win. That requires a winning strategy, and I’ve got a suggestion for that: Field position and turnovers. Our offense can score. Our defense can stop people. But if we lose the battle of field position and or turn the ball over, and give the opposition a short field too many times, then we’ll lose. No defense can stop everyone every time in that situation. Plain and simple. We can’t just hope that we can do this. We have to work hard at it. As I was recently reminded, hope is not a strategy. (thanks EC) Hard Knocks did a fairly good job of showing us this side of the ‘Boys in the last few weeks. I can hope it works, they can’t.

2008 Predictions: We go 11-5

We win the East

We have 3 All-Pro’s: Witten, Ware, and Owens

We have 9 Pro-Bowlers

Romo passes for 3900 yds, 30 TD’s, 9 int

MB3 1100 yds rushing, 14 TD’s

T.O 1300 yds rec, 12 TD’s

Felix Jones wins Offensive Rookie of the Year…in a reserve role

We beat the Colts in the Super Bowl (avenging SB V) for our sixth ring

Someone will finally knock the shit out of Tom Brady

Eli(zabeth) Manning will be shown crying on the sideline on national television

Week 1 prediction:

Cowboys 31 – Browns 24

How can we possibly lose to a team with no logo, and whose jerseys look like a morning-after-spaghetti turd?

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe! Make ‘im say calfrope.