… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a great season. The 2007 Cowboys will always be remembered for what they did accomplish, and not for what they didn’t. This was the record setting season we’d all been hoping for…

Bullshit! Who are we fucking kidding? This was a disaster!

I have finally been released from the hospital, after suffering from my massive anal hemorrhage following the playoff collapse of The Best Team In Football. I was in the ICU receiving 28 units of blood, which just so happens to be the same number of points we should have scored against the Giants. How could we let that game get away? How on earth do we give up a touchdown with 46 seconds left in the first half after we’d just eaten up over 10 minutes off the clock on a 20 play 90 yard drive for a touchdown? Was our defense lulled to sleep on the sideline during our best drive of the year? We scored only 3 points in the second half! This was mainly accomplished by not throwing the ball over the middle, and abandoning the running game that had already produced over 100 yards in the first half. Good thinkin’ there Wade. The only time we did throw the ball over the middle was to a wide open Patrick Crayton, who dropped the ball. I guess that 60 yards of open green in front of him with TD written all over it was a little too intimidating to handle. Good thing we just extended his contract for 4 more years and 12 million dollars. Our receivers couldn’t do shit all day. I just simply cannot believe that the Giants’ defense is that good. We all know that Dallas is the better team. We also know that we could have beaten the Patriots if we’d have just gotten our shit together and beaten the fucking Giants first.

Wait. It gets better.

Then we all get to watch as the Packers give up against these same Giants. (We should have beaten both of these teams in the playoffs just like we already did in the regular season.) Every time they made a play on defense it gets called back for a penalty. Gee. Sounds familiar. I guess the league wants another Manning in the Super Bowl to boost its ratings. Of course everyone knows that the only reason that Brett Favre threw that interception in OT is because his beautiful and famous wife, Deanna, was in the luxury box wearing her #4 jersey distracting him. I’ll bet they even had some time off together before this all-important game, distracting poor Brett even more. It’s all her fault. Bitch.

Now comes the portion of the rant where I get to wish for a severely bloody, 5-quarter 0-0 tie in a Super Bowl highlighted by the career-ending injuries of both Tom Brady and Eli Manning, complete with memorial hashmarks. Only the true fans of America’s Team can appreciate a real Theismann-esque play.

Kill Joe. Both of them.

I’m buying tickets for Super Bowl XLIII.

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