… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a great season. The 2007 Cowboys will always be remembered for what they did accomplish, and not for what they didn’t. This was the record setting season we’d all been hoping for…

Bullshit! Who are we fucking kidding? This was a disaster!

I have finally been released from the hospital, after suffering from my massive anal hemorrhage following the playoff collapse of The Best Team In Football. I was in the ICU receiving 28 units of blood, which just so happens to be the same number of points we should have scored against the Giants. How could we let that game get away? How on earth do we give up a touchdown with 46 seconds left in the first half after we’d just eaten up over 10 minutes off the clock on a 20 play 90 yard drive for a touchdown? Was our defense lulled to sleep on the sideline during our best drive of the year? We scored only 3 points in the second half! This was mainly accomplished by not throwing the ball over the middle, and abandoning the running game that had already produced over 100 yards in the first half. Good thinkin’ there Wade. The only time we did throw the ball over the middle was to a wide open Patrick Crayton, who dropped the ball. I guess that 60 yards of open green in front of him with TD written all over it was a little too intimidating to handle. Good thing we just extended his contract for 4 more years and 12 million dollars. Our receivers couldn’t do shit all day. I just simply cannot believe that the Giants’ defense is that good. We all know that Dallas is the better team. We also know that we could have beaten the Patriots if we’d have just gotten our shit together and beaten the fucking Giants first.

Wait. It gets better.

Then we all get to watch as the Packers give up against these same Giants. (We should have beaten both of these teams in the playoffs just like we already did in the regular season.) Every time they made a play on defense it gets called back for a penalty. Gee. Sounds familiar. I guess the league wants another Manning in the Super Bowl to boost its ratings. Of course everyone knows that the only reason that Brett Favre threw that interception in OT is because his beautiful and famous wife, Deanna, was in the luxury box wearing her #4 jersey distracting him. I’ll bet they even had some time off together before this all-important game, distracting poor Brett even more. It’s all her fault. Bitch.

Now comes the portion of the rant where I get to wish for a severely bloody, 5-quarter 0-0 tie in a Super Bowl highlighted by the career-ending injuries of both Tom Brady and Eli Manning, complete with memorial hashmarks. Only the true fans of America’s Team can appreciate a real Theismann-esque play.

Kill Joe. Both of them.

I’m buying tickets for Super Bowl XLIII.

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Alright, alright,

We’ve had enough out of the media. Let’s just play the damn game already.

It’s now time to separate the men from the boys, and Eli from his boyfriend. We gotta win this game. The Cowboys need T.O. in a major way this week, and his ankle better be good to go or we may be in trouble. Now, I’m the first to say that the concerns of not playing well late in the season are valid, if not scary, but this team was 13-3 this year. Let’s see what we’ve got in the playoffs. I have full confidence that we can, for the third time this season, abuse the new jersey midgets, and send She-li home crying to his mommy. How about 13 for 38, 157 yards, 3 int’s, 0 td’s, 6 sacks and 2 lost fumbles. Sound like a good day for Manning? Dude.

Tony needs to exploit their defense, use all of his offensive weapons, and throw 4 td passes. He also needs to learn to run for a first down if there’s nothing open to throw to instead of always trying to pass into coverage. He could have run for a td in the Redskins game if he wanted to. But no, he threw to a blanketed Witten in the end zone for an incompletion. Oh well. We just need to out throw, out rush, and out hit those filthy bastards.

Prediction: Dallas 30 – NYG 23

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe.

p.s. I hope the Jags smack the shit out of Tom Brady

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Cowboys Nation,

These are the times that try men’s souls. It’s the playoffs, and if you lose you’re done. That cannot, and will not, happen to The Best Team In Football (us). Our Cowboys have stumbled down the stretch in December for yet another year, heading into January football with a lot of questions remaining to be answered.

Will Terrence Newman’s knee be ready to go? Will T.O. be back to 100% after his left ankle sprain he suffered in the Carolina game? Will Andre Gurode be back from his MCL sprain? Will Terry Glenn remember how to catch a pass? Will Roy “I’m changing my number back to 38 so the Refs don’t call me for anymore horse-collar tackles” Williams be able cover anyone in the secondary? Will anyone in the secondary cover a receiver for once? Will Tony throw it to our guys instead of their guys? Will our massive, beefy offensive line actually clear some holes for Julius and MB3 to run through? Will half of our coaching staff accept new jobs before the playoffs are over?

Dude, I’m gettin’ dizzy. I need a Heineken.

The fact of the matter is that we have to cowboy up and kick some serious ass in the next two games to get to the Super Bowl. Wade Phillips can’t just stand there on the sideline like a vacant mouth-breather and watch our team get beaten up and down the field because we’re not prepared, ala the Philly game. He needs to prove to all the Cowboys Faithful that he can in fact win a playoff game, and that Jerry Jones was correct that Wade was indeed the right man for the job. He’s already 0-3 in his playoff career as a head coach. An 0-4 record in the playoffs will be unacceptable. Wade is definitely on the hot seat.

Notes from around the league:

Randy Moss has got to be the biggest DFN in football. Telling everyone that breaking a record once held by Jerry Rice is meaningless will never score you any style points. Also, our favorite quote of the season, “Hey, we all grown mans, ain’t nobody gonna cry round here,” shows just how well Moss is fluent in ebonics.

Not that I’m anything close to a Browns fan, but has anyone noticed how pitifully lame their helmets are? They’re, well, uh…brown. No logo. No nothin’. Has the Browns front office ever considered anything else? Their fans all dress up like bulldogs. How about putting a bulldog face on their helmets and changing their image? I mean, it worked for the Broncos, Bucs, and Patriots. None of those teams ever won a Super Bowl until they changed their logo/image. Let’s face it. Tampa Bay was never going to win a Super Bowl with that gay blade on their helmet.

Wild Card Playoff predictions: more of a wish list rather than what I would wager on.

Seattle over Washington

Jacksonville over Pittsburgh

Tampa Bay over New York

San Diego over Tennessee

Go Cowboys!