… Intentionally Offensive Since 2006
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Cowboys Nation,

We have now seen our beloved Cowboys (The Best Team In Football) struggle with inferior opponents for the last three weeks in a row. Barely getting past Detroit in the final seconds. Losing to Philadelphia in a game where we never got on track offensively. A never really close, but lackluster performance in the win last Saturday against the Panthers. All of the things we didn’t want to see in the weeks leading up to the playoffs. But that’s what we got, and that’s where we are.

There seems to be a lot of talk on tv about how many injuries we have and how “teams have figured us out”. I hope we haven’t shot the whole wad yet, and that there’s still some lead left in the old offensive pencil. T.O. is definitely out for the Redskins game with the high ankle sprain he suffered in the Carolina game, and we still don’t have an answer on when Terry Glenn will be joining the party on the field yet. And can someone please tell me why Stanback is continually sidelined for every game instead of suiting up and going deep to stretch the defense? Just one deep sideline pattern or a deep post. Just one! Let’s see what this kid can do. We spent a fourth round draft choice on him. I think we’ll probably rest most of our starters against Washington, since the Bears did us the enormous favor of beating the shit out of Green Bay…again! (The Packers got to play the horribly deficient AFC West this year, not the Patriots like us.)

The problem, morally, that I’m having is that the Redskins are in a “win and in” situation against us for the playoffs. It’s bad enough that the Giants are already in the playoffs, I don’t want to see Washington in there too. But this game is relatively meaningless to us in terms of the standings. We already own the best record in the NFC and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. (That was the goal, ya know.) It’s only meaningful to us because we have the opportunity to beat the shit out of the Foreskins again this year, and shut them out of the playoffs…which would be tremendously satisfying. Kinda like one of Chip’s weekends.

I hope the Giants smack the shit out of Tom Brady. (kill Joe!)

Prediction: Dallas 24 – Washington 23

Go Cowboys!

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What? 10-6? TEN TO SIX???? Are they kidding? What the fuck just happened? (didn’t the Rockies say that after game 4 in the World Series?)

We ran the ball 15 times. We completed 13 passes. That’s a total of just 28 positive plays all day. Once again we make a mediocre team look like they’re loaded with All-Pros. Why is it that we can’t seem to get stronger in the weeks leading up to our playoff run? Will this be another December Debacle? Tony was throwing passes all over the place, but not to his receivers. When he finally did throw it to Owens, he drops it. Was there a big Cowboys players party on Saturday night that Jessica Simpson brought all of her hottie girlfriends to. The whole team looked hung-over. I think McNabb outrushed our entire team.

It’s absolutely amazing to me that we could get 5 yards per carry on our opening drives, and still have three consecutive 3-and-outs. Oh yeah, I forgot. We couldn’t complete a pass in the first quarter, and yet we continued to throw incompletion after incompletion, and NOT run the ball. Hey Wade, if something’s not working, do the thing that IS working! This team is too good to keep on making bonehead mistakes. Like getting a first-and-goal, and throwing a pick in the end zone, instead of pounding the ball into the end zone on the ground.

If we continue to play like this, then our January schedule will be very limited, and forget playing in February. Cowboys Nation will not be a happy place if we let a spectacular season such as this slip away into oblivion. It won’t even matter if someone finally does smack the shit out of Tom Brady. We just better beat Carolina on Saturday night. Hey! Maybe we can play the game BEFORE the big party this week. Throw a TD pass, bang Jessica. Get a sack, bang Jessica’s friend. You get the idea.

Prediction: Dallas 24 – Carolina 21

We really need to kill Joe this week.

Go Cowboys!

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Yes, the sound you just heard was that of a CLINCH!

While all of Cowboys Nation was collectively chewing the last nubs off of their fingernails on Sunday afternoon, I had full confidence that we would win that game over Detroit. I was nervous, but confident. Tony Romo however, still had a smile on his face as he lead The Best Team In Football down the field 83 yards in the last two minutes of the game with no time outs left for the winning touchdown. And he’s bangin’ Jessica Simpson. I loooove football.

Witten had a career day to go along with the winning TD catch with 18 seconds left in the game. That’s what happens when they try to triple team T.O. and take him out of the game. Tony has too many weapons at his disposal, and he ain’t afraid to use ‘em. My favorite part of the game was watching Kitna scream and cuss on the sideline. He about turned purple after Hanson missed that field goal. What a douche! I have no idea why we couldn’t sack him all day. Can someone please tell me why our defense gives up so much passing yardage? Our secondary gets shredded more than Ollie North’s files. How about stepping IN FRONT of a few passes for a change! There’s no way we can beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl if we can’t stop the pass. Unless, of course, someone finally smacks the shit out of Tom Brady, then the Patsies are worthless. Let them try and beat us with Mr. Clipboard.

Now our 12 – 1 Cowboys head back home to face the Egirls in our last home game of the regular season. (We’ll be hosting the post-season party at Texas Stadium this year.) Let’s not mince words; the Iggles suck this year. Good. I’m tired of them. But again, they’re not good enough to hate. And after the bullet we just dodged in Detroit, I’m looking for complete domination on Sunday. Sweeping Philly will be sweet. Donna McNabb will have nowhere to run. He’ll be served up a heapin’ helpin’ of Doomsday, with a little turf for dessert. I love home cooking.

Prediction: Dallas 38 – Philadelphia 17

Go Cowboys!

Kill Joe!

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Cowboys Nation,

First of all, good win against Green Bay. We looked great against Bert Favre, but looked less than excellent against Aaron Rodgers. (I figure if the guy can’t spell or pronounce his last name correctly, why not misspell his first name too.) We were sacking Favre and forcing him into mistakes, and then we blow the whole thing and injure him. He was doing more damage to his own team than we could have hoped for, then we ruin it. Then Rodgers comes in and we make him look All-Pro. I think our defense let up a little when Favre left the game. Oh well. Tony looked great (again) and would have had a clean game with no interceptions if T.O. hadn’t pulled the unco-tard move of the night and gifted Al Harris with a pick in the end zone. The ball hits him in the chest and then he scoops it to Harris, like, “here, you take it”. It’s just a good thing that this year’s Cowboys can overcome a lot of those kinds of mistakes and still win.

We have now gotten to 11-1, which is where we need to be coming into the home stretch of the season.

Now we face the Motor City Kittens…without their best player, former Longhorn Roy Williams. Maybe we can shut up their bigmouthed QB and sack him 8 times and pick him off 4 times en route to a good old-fashioned ass-whippin’ in Detroit. I just love that new car smell.

The Ravens almost beat the Patsies on Monday night. They were a stupid coaching ill-timed forth down time out call away from winning. At least they sacked Brady a few times and frustrated him into some hurried decisions. New England is beatable. We have ‘em right where we want ‘em. Kill Joe!

Prediction: Dallas 42 – Detroit 20

Go Cowboys!

p.s. sorry about the two week 12 updates. I lost count on the weeks, and am not tristadectaphobic.